During my divorce, a counselor or a book I read stated that, for every 4 years in a relationship, you need 1 year to recover before you are able to consider engaging in a new and healthy relationship. When I heard that, I was horrified. That meant I would have to wait about 2.5 years!! That seemed ridiculous. So, deciding I was a better adjusted adult than most, I forged ahead with dating a few months after my divorce was final.
I use the term dating because the term relationship would not be accurate. Essentially, I was fishing. I tried to convince myself I was ready to give to others and to love others, but honestly, what I needed was to be loved and to be given to. I was wounded, hurting, lost, and starting most parts of my life over again. I was in no position to give to others. I was struggling to give my children what they needed and deserved, as well as my friends, family, and even myself.
Would you believe that it took about 2.5 years for me to begin my first real relationship? That relationship was horribly flawed, and was based on me finally giving in to someone who pursued me relentlessly. It made me feel wanted - something I had not felt in a long time. What I didn't realize is I was expecting him to make me happy....an unfair expectation for anyone.
At one point, I met and fell in love with the man I still believe is the love of my life. Our breakup was extremely difficult for me, and I couldn't begin to figure out how to heal and move on emotionally. So I got involved way too soon with someone else, ignoring all sorts of red flags and inconsistencies. I was wearing blinders because deep down I wanted him to love me and commit to me the way I wanted the love of my life to love and commit to me. Disastrous.
Finally, after another devastating breakup, I took a year and half entirely to myself. Not one date. I refused every advance made toward me. I became comfortable being alone and spending time with friends and family exclusively. I went to movies alone. I went out to eat alone. I went to a football game alone with 100,000+ people in the stands. And I finally began to truly understand myself and take care of myself. I even began to love myself.
Only after that period of solitude and reflection was I able to enter a relationship as a whole person who was truly able to give as well as receive. By God's grace, that person was the love of my life (yes, the same one I'd been with previously). But this time everything was different, better...not perfect....but more mature, fair, and a good balance of giving and receiving.
The rumors are true, and they do apply to you. If you are still hurting over your last love, you are cheating the person with whom you begin a relationship. There's no way around that fact. And the unspoken and perhaps subconscious expectations you have of them are impossible to meet.
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