Lost & Found

Some things can be lost and then found.  Once they’ve been reclaimed, all you’ve essentially lost is that time of separation.  A favorite piece of jewelry, a ten dollar bill in last year’s coat pocket… 

Other things are lost and replaced by something else…some surrogate that fills the void, elicits the same feelings, or distracts you from what you’ve lost - like filling the void of a broken heart with a rebound relationship, an addiction, or a jam-packed social calendar.  Bandages can stop the bleeding and cover up the wound, but with enough activity or wear and tear, they will eventually peel off and reveal the wound again.  Surrogates can be exciting and satisfying until that moment comes when you look squarely at that replacement and realize it’s not the same as what you lost.  Not even close.

Some things can be found or rediscovered.  But the value of that thing might have changed.  The lost dog returns home, but it is now skittish.  The couple reunites, but their love will never be what it once was.  Time has passed.  Circumstances have changed.  Life has happened.  Damage cannot be undone, only forgiven and reconciled. 

Other things are lost forever - innocence, for instance.  Trust. 

Some make choices that they know will surely lead to the loss of something valuable.  Then once they’ve lost it, they recognize its worth and vow to do whatever it takes to get it back.  This is a phenomenon I will never understand.  I find it insulting and infuriating.  If you would hate to lose a possession in your car, don’t carelessly leave it unlocked and then complain when someone opens it and steals your belongings.  If you would hate to lose your husband, don’t cheat on him and then mourn his absence once he leaves you. 

I'm starting to believe I cannot ever reclaim what you took from me.  I can only heal and learn from it, and inform my future with the knowledge and experience of my past.  You will always be the reason I have changed.  How I hate giving you that power, but I know by now it is true.  That's okay.  I’m stronger.  I’m wiser.  I’ll never be the “me” that I was then.  You took things that can never be returned nor replaced, only rebuilt with a new look and a new feel...  I'd like to believe that the strength and wisdom I gained from your intersection in my life will make it impossible for me to ever give myself completely....to the wrong man. 

"The way to love anything is to realize that it may be lost."

~Gilbert K. Charleston

So Small

“And when you figure out love is all that matters after all, it sure makes everything else seem so small.”

~Carrie Underwood

Sometimes I feel so alone.  My life is full of a lot of things – lots of friends, family, my children, my work, my faith, my hobbies and interests…..but I feel alone sometimes because I don’t have a partner, a significant other.  No matter how much is in your life – even a strong relationship with God – nothing can quite fill that particular hole.

More than one person has suggested, implied, or outright commanded me that I should “just be happy to be a mother” when discussing the lack of a romantic companion in my life.  My response to that would entail another blog entry, so let’s just say that I disagree and that no one in my shoes would be foolish enough to say something like that.  It’s as foolish as telling the infertile couple who wants a child that they should just be happy to have each other.  The parent/child relationship is more like a manager/employee relationship.  My job is to raise them to be successful human beings – financially, socially, academically, occupationally, spiritually, etc.  It is not to be confused with a relationship between two consenting parties where each is concerned with the welfare of the other.

I’ve made peace with the fact that I am alone in this sense, and I am exceedingly grateful I did not make a commitment to the wrong person.  God allowed me to experience a tremendous amount of hurt so that I would not experience even greater hurt further down the line.  It’s crystal clear to me that he intervened in a way I could not ignore, and it’s an amazing, humbling thing.  I also realize I may or may not ever find someone to share my life with in only the way you can with a life partner.

So then I move to problem solving mode.  What can I do to fill the void?  I can seek out and find love.  Nothing that would feel like that “partner love” of which I speak, but the next best thing.  I find love in genuine friends of mine whom I can share soul-searching conversations with.  I find love in animals.  I find love in my children, yes.  I find love at church.  I find love when I talk to God.  I find love when I see people perform acts of kindness for one another.  I find love in the fall leaves, the winter snow, a sunny day at the lake…basking in the glory of God’s creation.  In music, in movies, in literature…even if it’s a fantasy, I find love.

The challenge is to train oneself to look for love.  Consistently negative people don’t see it, because they choose not to.  When we become bitter and jaded, or when we throw pity parties for ourselves, we miss out on all the love around us.  And believe it or not, there’s a lot of it out there.  You do have to look for it though – first by deciding you want to see it. 

What you got if you ain't got love
the kind that you just want to give away
its okay to open up
go ahead and let the light shine through
I know it's hard on a rainy day
you want to shut the world out and just be left alone
but don't run out on your faith

'cause sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
is just a grain of sand
and what you've been up there searching for forever
is in your hands
when you figure out love is all that matters after all
it sure makes everything else seem so small

it's so easy to get lost inside
a problem that seems so big at the time
it's like a river thats so wide
it swallows you whole
while you're sitting 'round thinking 'bout what you can't change
and worrying about all the wrong things
time's flying by
moving so fast
you better make it count 'cause you cant get it back

sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
is just a grain of sand
and what you've been up there searching for forever
is in your hands
oh when you figure out love is all that matters after all
it sure makes everything else seem so small