Misguided Hope

I’ve always been a hopeful person.  Hope is mandatory, in my opinion, or life is very grim indeed.  Hope is also painful.  Because when what you wish for doesn’t come to pass, you feel as if you lost something.  The word hope is tattooed on my body.  It’s my daughter’s middle name. 

At the first meeting of the new single moms’ group at my church, we discussed hope tonight – where you should place your hope.  And where you shouldn’t.

I realized I’m guilty of misdirected hope.  I put too much hope into people and things, and not enough hope in God.  People and things inevitably fail you, as the instructor pointed out to us.  I thought of the leap of happiness I feel when something comes into my life that I’ve been hoping for – be it a job, an item, a romance, resources, etc.  I put too much stock in people and in things.  Then when they fall apart, I fall apart too.  I can’t help but wonder if I would operate differently if I put more hope and trust in God.

Don’t get me wrong – all theory and idealism aside, I think it is impossible to not have hope in people and things and to not count on them in some way for our happiness.  Likewise, even the most faithful Christian is going to experience pain when people and things break, for lack of a better word. 

Even though I tend to give lots of chances to people and look past things that bother me, when they disappointment me or harm me, it hurts deeply.  Somehow - despite my experiences, wisdom, luck, and track record – I come to believe deeply in people.  Perhaps too easily. 

I’ve always been cognizant of the fact that if you expect one person to be your everything, you are going to be frustrated and they will feel like a failure.  But now I’m thinking that even if you spread those expectations across many people and many things, we can still wind up frustrated.  And so is God.  Because we aren’t leaning on him or placing our hope in him.

The instructor tonight pointed out that every hurtful thing we’ve heard or thought about ourselves can be found nowhere in the Bible.  Nowhere in the bible does is it say that God thinks I should get over myself or that my stretchmarks are hideous or that I’m stupid or have poodle hair….none of it is in there.  He’s kind of my biggest fan.  J

Getting Over Myself

I was recently told to get over myself.  What exactly does that mean and how do I go about doing that?  UrbanDictionary.com defines this as a "Patronising phrase used to tell someone that you believe they hold too high an opinion of themselves, or are behaving in a conceited or pompous manner" (an alternate definition is "a phrase little pussies use when they can't win an argument with a real counterpoint").  But I digress.

Holding too high an opinion of myself.....well, on a good day, I would say that I'm a strong woman, an ambitious woman, that I'm honest, full of integrity, loyal, thoughtful, generous, loving, and smart.  On a bad day, I might say I'm overly sensitive, too controlling, too much of a perfectionist, and stubborn.  It's like the little homunculus self you'd see in cartoons - the devil on one shoulder, the angel on the other, both campaigning to direct your choices and actions.  One day I might say I give people too many chances and the next I might say my expectations for others are too high.  Both are true somewhere on the continuum. 

My expectations for others are extremely high, but so are my expectations for myself.  Does getting over myself mean lowering my expectations for the principled living I value?  If I expect less of myself I could definitely get away with lots of things I don't try to get away with now.  It would relieve so many of the burdens I place on myself.  But it would also be a less fulfilling and rewarding life. 

Maybe I am getting over myself.  I'm getting over certain images I had of myself.  I'll give you 3 examples: First, the image of me as a wife, as a stepmom, as one half of a partnership.  I had planned to get married earlier this year (I'll refrain from saying I was supposed to get married, because that implies notions of fate and destiny, and I tend to believe now that God got me on the path where he wanted me).  Second, I'm also getting over seeing myself as a 50/50 co-parent, because I'm not.  My kids are with me all but 2 nights a month.  Third, I'm getting over dreams for a certain career, because it's just not possible to be an on-call midwife when you are the only adult at home with your kids, and you've decided that your kids will always come first.

I'll continue to think about getting over myself and whether there is any merit to that suggestion.  And at the same time, others will get over me as well.

She Started It

Humans can almost be counted on - when they feel desperate or hurt - to lash out at other humans, to hit them where it hurts, and to erase bonds of intimacy and trust, often in an instant.  It's not unlike the behavior of young children, really.  One calls another a name, and the other retorts with a worse name.  We try to "one up" each other with the pain we inflict.  And we do it best with those we claim to love.

It's certainly difficult to be mature and respectful when we feel rejected or wounded.  We want others to feel the pain we are feeling I suppose.  But I can't think of a time when inflicting cruelty on another human being has made me feel any better about my own personal pain.  Maybe for a fleeting moment, we bask in the glory of being a pompous jackass, but pretty soon we find no comfort or absolution in the act. 

What's worse, for the recipient of unfair or untrue cruelty, all of the lovely things the speaker has said to us and about us before come into question.  I always go back to that quote from Pretty Woman: "The bad stuff is easier to believe. You ever notice that?"  I've matured to a place where it's not so much that the bad stuff is easier to believe, but its impact can be far greater than the good stuff we hear about ourselves.  I know what I am and what I'm not, and I've grown accustomed to mud-slinging in the arena of human relations.  It still hurts, but I have learned to love myself and accept the fact that some people will say things that simply aren't true just to try to hurt you or manipulate you.  I can't control that.  What I can control is whether I choose to associate with people like that.

As a good friend once suggested to me, "you're free to make your choices, but just remember, I'm free to make mine in turn."  So whether she started or he started it, I can always choose to finish it - whether it be by taking the high road, walking away, or refusing to engage in it.

The Lost Art of Class & Grace

From time to time, I realize that my attitude toward graciousness and courteousness is the exception, not the norm.  When did we all become so self-absorbed and rude that we stopped extending basic gestures of class?  Are there people who actually don’t know what RSVP means?  It means someone needs and wants to know whether you plan to attend an event they are taking the time to orchestrate.  It means it might impact what they how much they are going to spend or how intensively they will prepare for the event.  Quite literally, it’s répondez , s’il vous plait (respond please).  “No” is a completely acceptable response.  But far too often, people either don’t respond at all – not even thanking the inviter for the invitation – or they say they will be present, but fail to show up or even bother to notify the inviter – what with all the available technology – that they will not be attending as planned.

I spoke with someone about this phenomenon today.  It’s all a part of the entitlement mentality I see so often and the self-importance we as a society wear as a skin tight garment.  It disgusts me and I’m so glad my parents raised me better.

What happened to the hand-written thank you note?  I interview people quite often in my position, and am always disappointed and surprised to see how few take the time to follow up with a thank you note for my time and interest.  Am I the only one who makes her kids sit down within a week of receiving a birthday present and write the sender a thank you note?

I will never forget my daughter’s birthday party a few years ago.  I couldn’t afford to do much, but had planned a small party at Jo-Ann Fabrics where she and a few friends could each build a stuffed bear craft, much like a Build-A-Bear.  I could only afford to invite 4 or 5 friends.  Two said they would be there, and the others did not respond at all.   Yes it was a snowy Saturday, but it was my little girl’s birthday.  And when not one single child showed up and no one called to cancel or RSVP no, I cannot impress upon you my sadness, disappointment, and dread for what my daughter was thinking and feeling in the time she spent waiting and hoping that someone would walk through the door for her.

So this is my open letter to the world.  When someone extends an invitation because they are requesting your presence somewhere, take two seconds to let them know if you’re interested or if you plan to attend.  And when you give someone your word, let that mean something.  Sure, things come up and plans change.  Nobody expects you to make a call if you're late on account of getting injured in a car accident.  But folks, it doesn’t take long to extend the courtesy of letting someone know you can’t keep your word.  And by the way, saying no is perfectly acceptable.  Don’t be afraid to do it.  You don’t even have to make up a lie as to why you are saying no.  Just say no and be comfortable with it.   And don’t forget, the day may come when no one bothers to invite you to anything at all.  And I hope you won’t wonder why.