Two Thousand Ten

It's only natural at the end of the year to look back on everything that happened within the confines of the calendar year, reflect on our personal growth, and focus on the future.  In so many ways, one can view it as "just another year", completing another cycle of the seasons, reporting to work each day, maintaining friendships, family ties, etc.  But in so many other ways, for me at least, it can seem like a lifetime ago that 2010 began.

I have the same job I had a year ago, but the scope of my responsibilities has changed tremendously and my group of coworkers is not in tact as it was twelve months ago.  Some have moved on, and other new folks have joined our team - all of these changes irrevocably changing the dynamics of the workplace in both good and bad ways.

There are people I thought I knew a year ago who are no longer in my life.  There are people in my life whose existence was unknown to me twelve months ago.  And there are people alongside me who have changed tremendously, either voluntarily or involuntarily.

I was in a different romantic relationship at the start of 2010 than I am now.  I experienced disillusionment and emotional abuse, made choices to remove my life and my kids' lives from the wake of a human volcano whose eruptions were often unpredictable and destructive.  Now I am engaged to a man I hardly knew in high school, but who entered my life at a time where I was open to taking a small chance that turned into a huge investment and ultimately the best payoff I ever could have imagined.  We are engaged and getting married in 2011. 

I traveled to many places - three times to Virginia alone!  Once to seek solace and refuge in the arms of my family at a moment when I was feeling lost, wounded, and searching.  Once to celebrate the marriage of a beloved cousin who finally found her soulmate (and unknowingly spend time with my uncle for the last time).  And finally to memorialize my uncle who died unexpectedly.  I visited Baltimore for the first time and met some really neat people who made so many things in my life become crystal clear...  My work team enjoyed an incentive reward trip to Orlando where we shared fellowship, bonding, and the stress of making itinerary decisions as a large group.  :)  My college roommate and I enjoyed a trip to a free time share in the Bahamas where we did nothing but relax and rejuvenate and soak up the sun.  Finally, I went to Dallas for some work training.

We acquired a new pet - a turtle named Mrs. Relaxo!  I debated and designed a new tattoo but have not yet felt ready to commit to having it inked on me. 

I left a church where I felt inspired, my talents were being channeled to praise God, and my children were thriving.  The reasons for my departure were personal and tormented, but I took some time off and found another church that is very promising in terms of its breadth and depth and opportunities for reflection, growth, and servitude. 

As I stand at the threshold of 2011, I'm reminded of my visit to the Jamaican palm reader in 2008.  She told me with no uncertainty a number of things that were dead on and that not many people know.  She told me I was with the wrong man and to "keep flirting", and she told me that 2011 was going to be "my year".  She said it could be any number of big events - a career change, a move, a baby, or a marriage....but that something life changing would happen.  And here I sit and grin as I think of the promise and potential ahead of me.  All of us are richly blessed.  I'm just grateful I am in a moment where I recognize my abundant privilege and opportunities, and am willing to embrace the positive and stifle the negative.  Welcome two thousand eleven.  Are you ready for me?

the last single mother Christmas

Recently my boyfriend asked me to marry him and so I am acquainting myself with the idea of being engaged and eventually married.  It is an interesting place from which to stand at Christmastime.  You see, I have been a single mother to 2 kids for 6 years now.  Christmas has not been easy.  It isn't easy to find the energy to drag out all the decorations, address all the cards, buy all the gifts and wrap them, do all of the baking, and never once be able to approach any of these tasks by yourself without first arranging for a sitter.  There's no running out at 9 p.m. to get that ingredient you forgot for the Christmas cookies. There's no quick dash to Target for that one gift you haven't picked up yet - not without loading two kids in the car and taking them with you (not an option when needing those items at 10 p.m.!).  And when you are buying for them, that becomes a bit difficult to do in their presence, at least once they are past the age of 1.  Not to mention, it's the time of year you feel most nostalgic, most raw and exposed, and you have the emptiness that comes from not having a companion, which can  constantly remind you that much of the rest of the world is happily humming along and sipping steamy drinks all with a smile on their lips.  At least it can feel that way when you are alone.

It's been suggested to me that I ought to be happy just being a mother to my two kids.  Why do I "insist" on having romance in my life too?  My response to that is that we were all created to crave human companionship, intellectual stimulation, emotional validation, and yes human intimacy.  Otherwise, why not just make one human and let him or her enjoy this little planet?  Although I consider myself a strong and independent woman, I do admit that the most difficult part of the last 6 years has been not having that consistent "go to" person at my side, whether I needed an actual favor like brown sugar from the store or simply needed to know that I wasn't alone in this world.

I won't lie.  I'm thrilled at the prospect of knowing that every Christmas from here on out will be spent with my love by my side, in addition to the long list of other blessings in my life.  I am proud of myself for what I've done on my own.  I've managed to keep this house even in times where my income was less than anticipated.  I've raised two kids from the ages of <1 to 7 and 3 to 9.  My first night alone, I set the alarm for 5 a.m. so that I could change the baby's diaper, feed him his bottle, change both of their clothes for them, make breakfast, feed him and referee her eating, and get them to their day care and myself to work by 8.  It's comforting to know that I'll have a partner now.  Someone to help me care for the kids.  Someone to bear part of the load when it comes to laundry, cooking, cleaning, mowing, etc.  Someone to talk to after a tough day.  Someone to watch the kids if Mommy wants to lay down for a bit.  Someone to discuss big decisions with.  Someone to pray with.  Someone to watch silly TV with.  Someone to love.  Someone to love me.

If that makes me selfish, that's okay.  I've been called worse.

no "but"s

I am a lucky woman in that I have had the opportunity to be a part of many romantic relationships in my life.  I realized a long time ago that no matter how good a romance seemed in the moment, the cold hard truth was that it was either going to end or last forever.  "Forever" is not a word that I can fully comprehend.  Obviously I've not yet experienced forever, but you know what I mean.  I've been promised the moon, the stars, and even unconditional love and promises of forever, but the fact remains that my legal salutation is "Ms." and even if it were "Mrs." or if I was in a dedicated lifetime partnership (choosing to forego marriage), there are simply no guarantees.

With the ending of each relationship, I realized I knew a little bit more about what I wanted in a partner, and perhaps more importantly, what I did not want in a partner.  For instance, a mate with ambition and drive is great, but if they want to put me in a cage they are going to be disappointed with the outcome.  Finding someone with electric physical chemistry is lovely, but if they can't engage in an intellectual conversation with me I'm going to eventually become blinded to their more superficial traits.  A person I can laugh with is not going to meet all my needs if they can't be responsible in life.  Becoming a parent only muddied the post-divorce dating waters further (as if finding someone with whom you are supremely compatible isn't difficult enough), because it became essential to find someone who also could properly love my children and whom my children could love. 

I find myself in this particular moment in time feeling happy, satisfied, content, and at peace in my romantic relationship.  For the first time in my life, there are no "but"s - no red flags that nag at me, no unanswered questions that beg to be more closely examined, no issues I'm sweeping under the carpet in fear that I won't do better than this. 

I can't predict the future or make any guarantees, but living in a "no but" moment with a "no but" person is extremely liberating, rejuvenating, energizing, and it awakens a deep peace within me.

falling off the list

I sat down to start writing my Christmas cards tonight.  It's always an interesting moment - flipping through my address book and realizing how much can change in the span of a year.  Some names cause me to flinch, reliving the pain of a person's death since this time last year.  Some names need to be added because of new friendships, new love, or births.  But I'm particularly struck by the names of several folks who got crossed off my list because of relationships that ended.  Before I got to the "L"s I had crossed off three people's names, leaving the names of their ex (or soon to be ex) spouses and in some cases, their children.

I'm thinking about the choices we each make in our daily lives and how they impact others.  Thinking about the hurt and pain that several of my friends are experiencing as they pass through their first Christmas season without their significant other at their side.  I know how painful and empty it can feel to open that box of ornaments, seeing trinkets from places you visited together or reminders of the dreams you shared and the life you were building.  You go through your holiday rituals, unsure how to navigate, trying to create new traditions and better memories. 

I feel very lucky this Christmas because so much in my life is going well and contributing to my personal happiness.  But I haven't forgotten more painful Christmases.  It has always been a time of year that draws me to family, friends, and other loved ones, and has always sparked off nostalgia that makes me quite emotional.

I'm going to remember as I bask in the warmth and glow of happy times that others aren't so happy this year and that I've been that unhappy person more than once at Christmas.  I'm so grateful for my blessings and my luck, and my heart goes out to those who are hurting because of the absence of a special loved one - either because of death or because of the end of a significant relationship.