the strong one feels weak

what happens when the person everyone expects to be strong all the time feels weak?  the person who everyone expects to always be reliable doesn't feel like trying.  you work hard, take your responsibilities seriously, sacrifice self rewards in order to give to others, and somehow what you get in return is more responsibility, more burdens, and more stress.  sometimes you feel as if you give and give to others and then when you have that rare "off" day, no one knows what to do, or maybe they don't have the energy to return the support you've given without fail.  sometimes the strong person needs a hand to hold.  sometimes the stoic can't stop the tears from falling.  sometimes the brave girl feels scard and alone.

and then the over ambitious person feels guilt for not being the superhero they usually are.  for having a brief stint with discouragement and uncertainty and anxiety. 

life is not fair, and that's a given.  you deal with it.  you get past it.  but somedays it can just feel so horribly overwhelming.  you think about all the times that people have said "I don't know how you do it" and you realize that you yourself have no idea how you do it or how much longer you can do it.  and you don't even have the privilege or option to check out, to run away, to bury your head in the sand.  because people are counting on you and you take that seriously.  it's not an option to turn your back on the ones you love, the ones who depend on you.  not for me.  but I see people do it all the time and it makes me feel more and more like an island.

what if today is the day i disappoint everyone by not being at the top of my game?  am i allowed to have a net there to catch me?  am i allowed to rely on someone else to draw strength from?  how do you recharge when you feel completely spent, dried up, and beat down?  time.  you wait for your soul to stir and for your good old reliable "go get 'em" attitude to resurface and replenish yourself.  and so we wait....

False Advertising

I don't believe in wearing heavily padded bras for the same reason I don't believe in lying or cheating.  It's false advertising.  If you are hiding behind some sort of mask, how good can you feel about the adoration and acceptance you get from others?

Lying is a mask people use to lead others to erroneously believe they are better people than they are.  Somehow it is easier to deceive someone than to let them see the real you and maybe just choose to love you anyways, or maybe even offer some advice you're not in the mood to hear.

Drugs can be a mask that people hide behind because they think their chemically enhanced self is better than the person they are otherwise.

Religion can even be a mask as people quote all kinds of scripture and denounce others' behaviors, all in an effort to hide the spotlight from their own sins, struggles, and questioning.

Anger....sometimes it is easier to be a tornado and silence others through intimidation than to hear the difficult things they have to say and come to terms with the truth of it.

Relationships can be masks too.  Pretending to be a wonderful partner is so much crummier than admitting problems and hurdles and working through them together.

At the end of the day, the love you so desperately want to hold on to has to be born of honesty and openness.  How good can you feel about someone looking up to you or liking you or even loving you, if you know it isn't based on a true representation of self?  If someone loves who you are pretending to be, they don't really love you, do they?  Sooner or later that house of cards will tumble to the ground and at that point you won't stand a chance of regaining trust.  You will have betrayed someone, made a fool of them, essentially tricked them into loving you.  There have been so many times I've discovered a "mask" and waited for that person to reveal it to me in their own time.  Some have, and I've felt relief and a real chance at deepening the relationship.  Others have chosen to continue hiding and in every case......EVERY case....it triggers the beginning of the end of trust.

We only know what others reveal of themselves...however, God loves us all despite our sins and shortcomings.  I can't hide anything from God or fool him into believing I'm more pure or holy than I am.  So what human being holds enough power that I'm willing to hide behind a mask or misrepresent myself in order to gain their approval and love, even if earned duplicitously?