demons

I heard a song today that I once sang in church as a solo.  The lyrics resonated again with me in this particular moment of my life: 

There's a whole lot of demons in this room
And none of them believe in fighting fair
Some sit on my left
Some sit on my right
They talk so loud it's hard to disagree
I'm surrounded by the demons in this room
And there's no one here but me

 

Lately, it feels like the only news I get is bad news.  The burdens that weigh on me just get heavier and more difficult to bear.  It's like when my trainer has me lifting and the first few go fine, but with more repetitions, I'm literally struggling to complete each lift, grimacing in pain, to the point I want to collapse.  Most days anymore I have to give myself a pep talk to face my burdens all over again and to not feel like I'm running on some sort of wicked treadmill. 



 

I believe demons are alive and well.  They know my insecurities, my fears, and which buttons to push to cause me to doubt myself and to feel uncertain.  In these valleys of life, I have to actively struggle and fight with demons that surround me.  I don't always win.  All the while, I'm trying to draw near to God.  Daily I remind myself to BE STILL and to wait on the Lord and his promises for me.  It's hard when I don't get the immediate answers and immediate healing I crave.  I know he's not giving up on me, even when I'm tempted to give up on myself.  I know he's rooting for me.  I know he has plans for me and my life.  But those demons are so powerful. 

 

I missed church for the first time I can really recall in many, many months this past weekend.  I was feeling quite ill and would have had to drive myself and my body just wasn't up for it.  Happily, our church records the sermons and I was able to view it Monday evening.  I sat sobbing as my pastor described my life - the struggle of waiting when you've been broken and things just don't feel as if they're coming together.  I knew God put those words in my pastor's heart and mind to speak to me and others like me who need to be told to keep the faith, to draw near, to trust in God's character and His promises.  He isn't giving up on me.  He knows how far down the forces of evil can pull the heart and spirit of a person who is experiencing profound stress, heartbreak, disappointment, loneliness, confusion, etc.  But I do know His love can reach further, pull harder, and heal me better than anything the enemy has to offer.