All I'm Askin is for a Little Respect

Let me get out in front of this blog entry by identifying myself as a heterosexual woman and feminist.  It influences my experiences, my mindset, and the topics I’m about to discuss, so I’m just putting it out there. 

While meeting with my writing group at church last weekend, we discussed the topic of “what men want” in the context of our recent sermon series entitled “Great Sexpectations.”  Our pastor shared his belief that the two key things men want in marriage are sex and respect. 

I found myself a little surprised that respect was right up there on the list with sex.  I guess I have some predetermined beliefs that include the idea that, generally speaking, most men tend to be quite confident, self-assured, and secure…..more so, I dare say, than most women.  We could get into why that is, but I think my brief synopsis is that women, in Western culture at least, are socialized to think they could always be prettier, thinner, sexier, better moms, and so forth.  Men aren’t exposed to the same amount of pressure.  A quick glance at a sampling of advertisements will illustrate this, in my opinion.  Also, the traits of confidence, self-assurance, and security are tightly aligned with Western ideals of masculinity.  For these reasons, I assumed men would not need respect to such a degree that it might be considered one of the top two things they want in marriage.

Of course it goes without saying that no man (or person) wants to be nagged, condescended to, or belittled.  I get that.  But I don’t often hear men express that they want or need respect, while they are more vocal about wanting/needing sex.  I suspect this is because it feels a bit vulnerable to admit that respect is important.  No man wants to be accused of being needy.  Being needy is more expected of women somehow.  In fact, while stereotypically feminine traits are valued in men, they are also the go-to traits people use if they really want to insult a man (“He was crying like a little bitch,” “You’re such a fag,” etc.).   

One man in the group went on to say that he feels men, as a group, are weaker than they’ve ever been.  We discussed why this may or may not be true.  We also discussed the fact that women, as a group are stronger and more independent than they’ve ever been before, and that, perhaps some men are either voluntarily or involuntarily taking a proverbial back seat to such women nowadays. 

I’ve come to believe that two key things are required in a relationship.  Everything else is pre-empted by the existence of these two things.  And for me, those two things are love and respect.  Deal-breakers like infidelity, lying, and abuse (physical or emotional) really cannot occur in the presence of love and respect.  Of course, love and respect may ebb and flow at times, and we do not always show them in proportion to how we feel them.  When we are low on giving love or respect, we are more inclined to tend toward undesirable behaviors.   And while I feel that I am good at loving, I have to ask myself if I am as good at showing respect as I’d like to think I am…especially toward men.  Because of some of my assumptions about men’s reservoirs of self-confidence, security, and self-assuredness, I wonder if I haven’t always communicated my respect adequately.   Not that I'm trying to pull a Tammy Wynette up in here, I'm just being honest as I continue to make my way through this life.

There is no respect for others without humility in one's self.

Henri Frederic Amiel

How Can I Help You?

A pet peeve of mine is the lack of customer service in many businesses these days.  Sometimes I will complete a transaction without the cashier uttering a word to me.  They rely on the cash register’s display to communicate the price to me, they don’t count back my change, and they certainly don’t greet me in a warm way or thank me for my business.  What happened to the “How Can I Help You?” approach?

I think about this service-oriented approach with regard to interpersonal relationships as well.  So often, when people get on our nerves or disappoint us, we just judge them.  We draw our conclusions and condemn people for their choices, often without bothering to ask ourselves – or them – why they are doing things as they are.  Maybe we presume to know the cause of their behavior.  It’s much easier to assume someone is flawed in some way than to imagine there is a method to their madness.

Judgment without compassion suggests ignorance and self-righteousness, in my opinion.  Ironically, our detached, superior judgment of others can equate us with those we are judging.  When we judge someone or label them as lesser than us without attempting to understand them, what are we accomplishing and what purpose does it serve?  Putting them in their place?  Isolating them?  Securing our position as a superior being?   What would a measure of encouragement or support do instead?  How different would our world be if we approached others with a “How Can I Help You?” attitude?

Give, and it will be given to you.

Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap. For with the measure you use it will be measured back to you.”  Luke 6:38

But if anyone has the world's goods and sees his brother in need,

yet closes his heart against him,

how does God's love abide in him? 1 John 3:17

Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Phillipians 2:4

Questions of Forgiveness

It's fascinating to me how we view celebrities' lives under the microscope and judge them so easily, without knowing them or being directly impacted by them.  Oddly enough though, once the initial public reaction of disgust has passed, sins are quickly forgiven and forgotten as we get back to focusing on whatever it is that we love and admire about that particular celebrity.  

 

In our personal lives, it is usually far more difficult to separate the sin from the sinner, especially when it is personal and has impacted our lives directly in a negative way.  Not too often do you hear someone say, "Sure, Johnny beat up his wife, but man - is he a great accountant!" 

 

What is it that prevents us from forgiving others?  Fear?  Pride?  Enjoyment of the power differential?  Because we are humans, we all sin. This means that we will repeatedly find ourselves being asked to forgive others,  as well as seeking forgiveness for our own actions.

If your life was front page news, what story might threaten to ruin the public’s perception of you? How would you make a case for your own forgiveness?  Has someone ever refused to forgive you after you genuinely apologized and asked forgiveness?  How did that make you feel?  Have you refused to forgive someone?  What purpose did that serve you?

 

Do you believe someone must ask your forgiveness in order to be forgiven by you?  Why or why not?

We typically think of forgiveness in terms of forgiving others and of God forgiving us.  What about forgiving ourselves?  Hebrews 9:14 tells us, “How much more shall the blood of Christ, who through the eternal Spirit offered himself without spot to God,  purge your conscience from dead works to serve the living God?”

 

If you’ve ever paid off a loan, you’ve probably experienced that feeling of sweet release and joy.  You are no longer in debt, and you wouldn’t continue to send payments once the loan is paid in full.  So why do we continue to beat ourselves up long after forgiveness has occurred?

Do you need to forgive yourself for something?  If so, what’s stopping you?

 

“For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” (Romans 3:23)

"For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses."

(Matthew 6:14-15)

 

“And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.” (Mark 11:25)