kindred spirits

Sometimes all I think we really need is to know we're not alone.  Not in the literal sense, mind you.  I've been to a sporting event surrounded my 100,000+ screaming fans, yet I was alone.  I've been in the same room - even the same table - with another person and felt the miles span between us.  I'm talking about a connection between two human souls.  It doesn't come with every interaction.  With some folks, I struggle to think of something to say or to discuss, feeling that each effort falls flat on its face.  But with others.....with others, it comes as natural as rain trickling down the gutter.

 

Isn't it a wonderful feeling when you find common ground with a person and feel that you are truly heard, truly understood, or truly appreciated?  I have come to believe that the wide array of people in my life are all there for various purposes.  Some provide insight, others provide laughter, while others provide challenges.  Likewise, my purpose in their lives varies too.  I know that for some people I'm the one they want to talk to about a certain topic, or for others I am the one to invite to karaoke, and for others I am the person who will laugh at their jokes.

 

It's the beautiful way in which God has created us as unique and special beings, each with a different set of traits, needs, and talents.  To find a kindred spirit is one of the greatest gifts He gave, at least to me.

thoughts on love

I'm no expert on love.  I've been engaged three times, married once, and divorced once.  So my thoughts are a work in progress and I hope you can regard them as such.

 

But I'm reminded again and again how vitally important it is to get your proverbial "shit" together prior to entering a romantic relationship.  I have been the girl who was so hungry for love, she ignored red flags, warning signs, and gut instincts.  I can only speak for myself, but when I embark upon a relationship wanting desperately to be loved, I become a slave to it.  I hang on every word, every hint of affection and affirmation sends me soaring, while every absence of the same sends me reeling.  I become someone who will do anything to earn recognition and praise.  It's ridiculous, and frankly, embarrassing and unattractive.

 

How much better it is when I have come to terms with my solitude, have come to know myself (as I am ever evolving), and have found peace with life in the absence of romance.  It is only at that time that I can actually represent myself genuinely in a relationship, and give for the sake of giving rather than pre-calculating what I might get in return. 

 

As I live and learn about love, I realize that it is a safe place where I can be myself (though not without being challenged in a healthy way), give from the heart, and truly care about another person's well-being in addition to my own.  This is hard!  I've been badly burned before and taken advantage of in life-altering ways.  I suspect there will always be a part of me that has my guard up and is constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.  The real work happens when I push through that and CHOOSE to give myself and my love with the realization that it may or may not be returned.  It is a chance to practice imperfect human love while resting in the unconditional love of God as the ultimate example of how love is supposed to be. 

 

And if you really get it right, God becomes the center of your romantic relationship and you learn to lean on him for support and praise him for blessings as you struggle through life and love, learning as you go. 

Motion Sick/Shotgun

I've always wondered if those of us who are prone to motion sickness are control freaks as well.  I know I am.  Although I don't feel ill in the passenger seat (only in the back seat), I find myself looking both ways at stop signs just to make sure the driver hasn't missed any oncoming traffic.  Likewise, when I do get stuck in the backseat, my best bet at not getting sick is to keep my eyes glued to the road ahead of me. 

 

Consider for a moment that God is the driver in this ride we call life.  We could be enjoying the ride, enjoying the scenery, and relaxing, rather than second-guessing and double checking him at each turn and merging point.  If we could learn to trust and let go, we could enjoy those "passenger seat" moments and not create unnecessary stress for ourselves by attempting to duplicate the efforts of our flawless God.  

 

That being said, we are certainly not given license to recline back, be passive, and hope that God wraps our lives up in beautiful wrapping with a perfect bow on top.  We have responsibility and accountability that comes with the gift of life.  We simply need to remember our place.  Shotgun.  

Single Parent Families: scattered thoughts

My church is doing a sermon series on family and parenting, and I've been asked to write a small group study guide on the topic of single parent/blended families.  I thought I would share my thoughts (and expand upon them) via my blog (blog doesn't allow enough room to get into blended families - that's an entire dissertation!)

 

People become single parents through various circumstances, but there are similarities in the journey regardless of the starting point. Many circumstances can create a sense of despair and panic for the single parent as they wonder how on earth they will be able to do this all by themselves. The road seems long and the responsibility seems enormously overwhelming.  I can remember nights where I would leave my full-time job, pick up the kids (sometimes at two locations), come home, get the mail, let the dogs out, start on dinner, open up a pile of bills, all while the kids were needing things and asking me questions, and I just thought I would lose my mind.  I can remember sitting upstairs in the hallway, sobbing, feeling so overwhelmed to think of the next 15 - 18 years ahead of me.  I called friends and told them I just needed to talk or just needed them to come over.  They would come, and it was all I needed to pull it together.  I didn't need them to do anything around the house or run errands or keep the kids.  I just needed their company.

• If you are a single parent, how are you enlisting and/or accepting help from others? If you aren't, why not? :)
• If you are not a single parent, how are you supporting the single parents you know? What do you think they might be praying for?

 

Single parents often feel as if they don't fit among their peers. Single, childless friends can't quite relate to being a parent or might not enjoy being around kids. Married friends might no longer relate to being on the dating scene. I felt that I didn't really fit with any of my old friends anymore.  I could see the looks on my married friends' faces when I'd mention going on a date....or the look on my single friends' faces when I'd say something about my children.  I found that I had to make an intentional effort at surrounding myself with quality people who would support and encourage me.  I was flailing, starting over in so many areas of my life, and I needed anchors.  God was one of them, and I learned to pray more and talk to him about what I was going through.  "For I am the LORD your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you." (Isaiah 41:13)

Single parents must redefine family and parenting. Cultural norms and expectations can lead single parent families to feel incomplete, or like outcasts or failures. But the Bible tells us: "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland." (Isaiah 43:18-19)

• In what ways is a single parent family a blessing, rather than a burden? Or, what are some unanticipated benefits of being a single parent family?
  
• How could we, as a church, be more intentional about being sensitive to the circumstances and needs of single parent families? How is their experience at church shaped by the reality of their home situation?

Imperfect Love

Relationships are tough.  It can take a lifetime to encounter a person who has that natural combination of physical, psychological, moral, and lifestyle compatibility that matches your own.  Too many times, we find someone with deal breakers we cannot and should not ignore.  But none of us is perfect, and therefore, none of our romantic partners ever will be.  Not even "perfect for me" perhaps.

But I guess that's what love is.  You learn to accept your partner's shortcomings, flaws, and imperfections.  You choose to love them anyway.  And if we're honest with ourselves, they are doing the same for us when they love us.

Forgiving and accepting another person's mistakes can be difficult, especially when you have been hurt by them. But it takes an honest person to admit that they have made their own share of mistakes and have done their share of hurting others as well.  Because my faith has grown over the course of my life, I am more and more aware of the fact that I am a flawed human being in need of forgiveness.  I am not always easy to love or easy to live with.  God loves me anyway.  As I've come to accept that and truly believe it, it diminishes my human inclination to judge or even cast out other flawed people in my life. 

Love Means Never Having to Say You're Sorry?

I remember at a young age seeing that quote from the movie Love Story...you know, the "Love means never having to say you're sorry" quote.  While I'd like to think I've evolved in many ways from elementary school until now, my response to that quote remains the same: Bull.Shit.

 

Love means saying you're sorry more than ever!  Those we love unfortunately take the brunt of our bad stuff - our worst days, seeing us at our most fatigued, most irritable, and most flawed.  Which is precisely why they deserve apologies if we love them.  They deserve to know that we realize we failed them, that we regret it, and that we will be aware of it moving forward and do all that we can to avoid hurting them in the same way again. 

 

I don't care how old you are, what your title is, whether you're the parent or child, or whether you feel your excrement stinks or not....you are not perfect and you hurt those around you.  It's inevitable.  We are all human.  Furthermore, we can all expect to be hurt by those who love us.  It's what happens afterward that matters.  Do we behave in an arrogant, prideful, stubborn, or cold manner?  Do we become award-winning actors who pretend that nothing happened and attempt to conduct life as usual?  Do we make misguided attempts to erase what we've done with gifts, hugs, money, humor, compliments, etc.?  Or do we....quite simply....look our loved one in the eyes and tell them we are sorry?
 

Maybe we don't even believe we are wrong at the core of the issue, whatever it may be.  Maybe we just need to apologize for the way we said something or the way we made someone feel.  After all, if we don't care about the way we make our loved ones feel, and we don't care about making sure they know that we care about how we make them feel, how can we say we love them?

 

 

 

 

Just One of The White Mugs

My grandmother has been living in a nursing home for just over a year.  At some point, it became apparent that she would not be able to return home again.  She has invited the immediate family to take any of her belongings that we would like.  This is a strange process for me, because it feels like something one would do after the loved one has passed away. 

 

The last time I was at her home, I couldn't identify anything I really wanted to take, other than maybe one of the door handles from her old home.  They are old-fashioned, and I associate them with the house where I spent so many years having fun, being loved, bonding with family, and growing up.  They were difficult to latch when exiting a room, and us kids were forever being reminded to "SHUT THE DOOR!  THE AIR IS ON!"  Clearly, I'm not going to remove the handle & latch fixture though, as it would be blatantly obvious - even with a replacement of some sort - to any future inhabitant of the house. 

 

After  I returned home from that visit, it occurred to me that there was something I wanted, that could easily be removed from the house without effecting its functionality.  I asked for one of the tiny plastic speckled cups that, as a kid, contained juice or Sun Drop with my evening snack.  I also asked for one of the plain white mugs she had in her cupboard.  The mug is not attractive in any way.  It's not etched with the name of a place or a clever saying.  But when MeMa made hot chocolate for me in one of those mugs that she and Granddaddy used, I felt awfully special.  I'd pretend I was a grown up drinking coffee.  I remember the Nestle Quik powder she used to make that hot chocolate, and all the Quik Bunny mugs and spoons she earned us with all the UPC codes.

 

So my mom brought one of the little juice cups and one of the white mugs back for me after her last visit.  I haven't figured out where to put it or what to do with it exactly, but it is an icon of love and comfort that I will forever treasure.

Love Your Guts

Today I conquered fear and trepidation and said the things you needed to hear.  I stopped making excuses and hiding behind things.  Today I tried to save your life.

 

I've sat in silence and worried and prayed about you for years, never having the courage to confront you about your demons.  My silence has only succeeded in creating a mountain of stress and concern over you, but still I refused to act.  Today I felt that I had nothing to lose. 

 

It really wasn't all that hard.  Maybe I had to build up my own faith, which made it easy to share with you.  Because the truth is, I don't believe you can do this on your own.  But I believe that if you let God into your life, you will be blessed with the ability to conquer anything.  I believe you need to humble yourself to the point that you know that God is your only true source of strength.  I believe you need to surrender your ego and your pride and let God rebuild you.

 

And so I finally told you all of this.  What you do with it is your choice.

When You Gonna Love You...?

"When you gonna make up your mind?
When you gonna love you as much as I do?"

~"Winter" by Tori Amos

 

 

I see you flailing around with no direction, just like a struggling swimmer in deep water, treading until you are gasping for breath.  I wonder when you will grow weary of this dance, this game in which you are integrally involved.  It sucks all the energy, strength, and life from you, but you continue to feed from it, hoping for satiation eventually. 

 

Instead, it is draining you, slowly but surely.  It is sucking away the essence of who you are, with little need to convince or persuade you.  You are a willing participant.  You are enjoying the ride....to an extent. 

 

But I know that when night comes, you lie there and wonder how on earth it got this far.  You wonder how much everyone has noticed the slippage, as you smugly reflect upon how skillfully you have pulled the wool over their eyes. 

 

Each day, a part of you briefly considers ending the madness, but each day you muster up the strength to give it a go one more time.  You miss things like peace, a clear conscience, and a sense of stability....but not enough to reunite with them.  And so you flail, spreading your arms in the snow, which at once is beautiful, but slowly freezing you and icing you over to where you are numb and can no longer feel the drop in temperature.  And I wait.

More Than Singing

"Those who danced were thought to be quite insane by those who could not hear the music."

~Angela Monet

 

 

There are many who sing.  Some sing only when they believe no one is listening.  Some sing regularly in the shower, the yard, or the car, but never into a microphone.  Some sing for thousands in stadiums.  And some sing in church.

 

As it is with any trained vocal performance, I must learn the rhythm, the dynamics, the style, the lyrics, and of course the melody and/or harmony of the song.  It can be quite challenging to recall and perform all of those things in synergy, yet still retain an on-stage presence, or an outward expression of the emotion evoked by the song. 

 

But when you are singing to God, for God, and to inspire the worship of God, there is this whole other element that comes into play, and you had better be prepared to be a conduit for powerful spiritual energy.  Singing while facing a congregation is such an intimate act.  You are permitting the congregation to witness your personal act of worship, and they have no choice but to allow you to witness theirs.  The beautiful thing is the way we feed off one another, like a delicate dance where control and balance are shared and rotated between the partners. 

On their faces, I see smiles, tears, furrowed brows, and all sorts of symbols of the personal journey each of them is traveling.  I know when the music speaks to them.  Some clap, some stand up, some weep.  It energizes me and encourages me to keep giving it my all.  To those with no expression at all...I sing to them in the hopes that will truly hear the message of the song. 

 

 

 

Paying Our Respects

I told them they didn't have to get out of the car when we pulled up to the cemetery.  After all, neither he nor the kids ever met them.  I was the one needing to draw close, to read their names in stone, to pay my respects in my own way.  The kids opted to stay, but he walked with me.  When we reached their graves, we stood there in silence, as if he was absorbing the memories, love, and nostalgia that were emanating from within me.  

 

There was a service plaque at the end of a long metal pole near my grandfather's footstone.  It was rusted and mangled and practically horizontal with the ground.  When he asked why it was like that, I said probably the groundskeeper had hit it with the mower.  He scoffed and made a comment about people being disrespectful. 

 

I watched him remove it from the ground and spend several minutes working to straighten out the metal pole as best he could.  Then I watched him stake it by the footstone, perfectly centered.  I was overcome with emotion for this gesture of respect and honor - for a man he'd never met or loved.  But he knew what PaPa meant to me.  And he knew that he was a hero to me, and that if he hadn't existed, I would never have come into existence.  It was a beautiful moment of tenderness I will never forget. 

 

 

“The bond that links your true family is not one of blood,

but of respect and joy in each other's life.”

~Richard David Bach

No Shortcut to Healing

I'm not sure how I can possibly explain the road from there to here.  In the midst of devastation and betrayal, it is impossible to cheer yourself with thoughts that "this was meant to be" and "there is a reason for everything".  No, there's no shortcut to healing. 

I had to feel it all to the depths - shock, betrayal, humiliation, vulnerability.  The sheer astonishment of someone's ability to do what you did......it knocked the air out of me.  But I had to be knocked that hard so that I would be down for awhile and not try to foolishly pop right back up, wanting to get right back in the ring.  I'd have been apt to over-estimate my strength and never see the knockout coming. 

No, instead I created a safe little haven for myself and I nested there for quite a very long time.  I was able to restore my strength and courage, and able to start at the beginning again and rebuild my foundation.  Slowly.  And it's stronger than ever because God is at the center of it, and not just in a superficial Sunday sort of way.

Like seeing a tornado touch down, I can so easily and clearly see God's hand reaching down to intervene into my life.  He gave me the opportunity to follow my heart and the courage to reclaim a lost love that would have haunted me the rest of my life had I not searched it out.  And despite the mountains of doubt I have had, I am seeing with my own eyes that people truly can learn from their mistakes and become better versions of themselves. 

No, there is no shortcut to healing.  But the long and difficult road is worthwhile, because when a wound heals, the skin is stronger than it was before.  Of course I still remember the devastation from two years ago.  But I can sincerely say that I am grateful for it.  I would never have arrived in this moment, had I not traveled that path.  And I'm right where I want to be.

"Iba volando sobre el mar
con las alas rotas

Ay amor apareciste en mi vida
y me curaste las heridas"

"I had no direction, I was dying

I was flying over the sea with broken wings

Oh my love, you came into my life

And healed my wounds"

 

Intrinsic Motivators

I caught a lyric of a song today that basically said the roar of the crowd was what kept this singer going.  I thought about how this same singer recently filed for divorce after his infidelity to his wife made headline news a few months earlier.  And I wondered to myself what is it that drives people?  And when do they cross the line from doing something because they just love to do it.....to doing something because the roar of the crowd (or the industry awards....or the salary....or the fame..) has become a high to which they are addicted?

I remember learning about intrinsic and extrinsic motivators when I was working on my psychology degree.  Basically, intrinsic motivators are things that you feel within yourself when doing something you enjoy.  For instance, I enjoy writing.  It feels good to me, it's cathartic, and it helps me to process my thoughts and feelings.  Extrinsic motivators come from outside  of yourself - for instance, money, recognition, fame, an award, or the competitive desire to "out perform" others.  Perhaps someone starts off making music because they love it, but eventually they do it for the money or because they are hell bent on earning that Grammy, etc.  Just because you have extrinsic rewards in place does not mean that you aren't intrinsically motivated.  For instance, a teacher may love to teach, but he also earns money for teaching. 

The interesting thing is that research has shown that once people become extrinsically motivated to do something they love, many of them tend to lose interest or satisfaction in the activity for which they once had only intrinsic motivation.  When does one cross the line and become attached only to the notion of winning or of making a certain amount of money (and what constitutes "enough" money continually climbs as success increases) instead of loving what they do for the sole reason that it brings them joy?

I certainly know some folks who seem to have stayed true to their craft, even with extrinsic motivation galore.  I know pastors whose churches have expanded, who are paid to share God's word, but who have stayed focused and humbled rather than becoming power-hungry or taking credit for the talents that God gave them.  I know people who have pursued occupations that mirror their interests and talents, and who have enjoyed great success in terms of publishing or awards or income, but who have remained steadfast with their commitment to serving others through their careers.  But these folks are usually the exception.  Others get swept up in things like fame, critics, competition, popular opinion, and money, and they slowly transform to a place where they no longer truly enjoy what they once loved to do, but instead, they sacrifice relationships, ethics, time, and other resources in the name of "greater success" - whatever that means to them.

"Success is not the key to happiness.  Happiness is the key to success. 
If you love what you are doing, you will be successful."

~Herman Cain

Conditional Love

You claim that you love me - well really you don't even claim to anymore, it's just a foregone conclusion I'm meant to assume.  But you have found it so easy to turn your back on me.  I'm supposed to believe that you're concerned for me and that your concern is rooted in love for me.  Well let me tell you, none of this feels like concern or love.  It feels like conditional love.  When I do what you want me to do, you supposedly love me.  When I do something you disagree with, you withdraw your love and turn your back on me.  The irony is that you push me even farther away by doing that. 

 

To be honest, I really don't buy that you love me.  I haven't bought it for a long time.  I'm not stupid.  You certainly haven't shown it.  There were times I needed you, and you know how I hate to ask.  But I did.  You were too busy.  Busy with your life, busy judging me....  You don't even know me anymore.  So it's almost laughable now to see you turn your back on me, because it's really only a notch up from what you were doing before. 

 

I will never try to convince someone to love me or support me.  And why should I?  It's insanity.  It's insulting.  And the jig is up. 

I'm Here Now

Most of us can recall some childhood memory when we were experiencing panic, disappointment, sadness, or a feeling of being lost.  We knew that the only thing that would make it all better was the presence of a loved one to provide reassurance and security.

 

When I was in kindergarten, I rode the bus home from school, and was one of the first stops on the route (we lived just down the street from the school).  One day we had a substitute bus driver, and he drove right past my house.  I was so shy and withdrawn (believe it or not...lol), I couldn't even muster up the courage to speak up and let him know of his error.  Instead, I sat and cried quietly in my seat, while the driver covered a lot of miles on out into more rural areas that I did not visually recognize. 

 

Meanwhile, my mother was frantic, calling the school to see if I was still there, driving up and down the road to see if somehow I was walking home from school, and so forth.  Eventually, the bus driver made his last drop off and began to head back to the bus lot.  It was then that he noticed me and asked where I should have been dropped off, and I guess I managed to tell him my address or street name.  Arriving back home and rushing into my mother's arms was the only thing that would have comforted me and eased my anxiety on that day.  I'm sure she probably soothed me, whispering something like, "It's okay.  I'm here now."

 

Even as adults, we need these moments.  It's hard to admit it, but each one of us needs to be wrapped up in the arms of safety, love, and security.  I've recently experienced that for the first time in a very long time - someone who wants to take care of me in ways I never thought I would be cared for, because I was always so busy doing it all for myself and my children.  It's crazy actually, having him there to lend a hand, to provide support, and for me to lean on.  I'm not used to it.  I've unfortunately grown accustomed to takers, not givers.  It feels luxurious.  When he says he'll handle a certain thing, I'll say "I've got this.  I've always taken care of this."  Then he says to me "I'm here now" and I feel like the child coming off the school bus, falling into arms of support and comfort and love. 

 

Indeed you are here now.  And I am slowly learning to let you hold me and help me.

 

"You're here, that's all I need to know
And you will keep me safe
And you will keep me close..."

~"A Little Fall of Rain" from Les Miserables

 

 

Coat of Many...Betrayals

I'm writing a small group study guide for my church.  I haven't even heard the sermon yet that it's based on, but I know the topic (betrayal & forgiveness) and read several chapters in Genesis today that will apparently be discussed.  It's a story I know well - that of Joseph and the betrayal he endured. I counted three betrayals actually.  First, his own brothers betrayed him.  Out of their jealousy for his favoritism with his father, they sold him off as a slave, telling their father he had died.  Second, his master's wife tried unsuccessfully seduce him.  His rejection of her made her so angry that she lied to her husband and said he came on to her.  Third, after being thrown in prison and helping a cellmate by interpreting his dream correctly and giving him hope, he begged that the cellmate not forget him, and to put in a good word for him.  The cellmate did not do as Joseph asked.

When Joseph finally confronts his brothers - after he has climbed a ladder of success and become powerful and well-respected - he is overcome with sadness at what they did to him.  Still, he chooses to bless them more than you and I might say they deserve.

One verse stuck out to me in a big way.  Joseph comforts his brothers (comforts them!) over what they did to him.  He tells them, "...it was not you who sent me here, but God..." (Genesis 45:8).  Through all of the bitterness and resentment, Joseph found his way not only to forgiveness and compassion, but to see the divine purpose in his life story.  He recognized that, without the betrayals he suffered, he would not have come to perform God's purpose for him, which allowed him to put measures into place to feed a country during a seven year famine. 

I recently shared with my writing group that the person who committed one of the greatest, most hurtful acts of betrayal toward me, was the one who introduced me to the church I now attend.  I learned a lot from the sins that person committed against me.  But every time I marvel at how much I love my church, the pastor, the choir I'm in, the children's programming, etc......I think about the fact that I was brought here by way of a difficult road.  I don't believe it was an accident.  I needed to be here.  And now I have this wonderful community of people, as well as an amazing pastor and worship leader, to help me heal from the wounds of betrayal, and to grow in my relationship with God.

"Somewhere down the road

There'll be answers to the questions.

Somewhere down the road

Though we cannot see it now...

Somewhere down the road

You will find mighty arms reaching for you

And they will have the answers

Somewhere down the road."

~Faith Hill, "Somewhere Down the Road" (Prince of Egypt Nashville soundtrack)

All I'm Askin is for a Little Respect

Let me get out in front of this blog entry by identifying myself as a heterosexual woman and feminist.  It influences my experiences, my mindset, and the topics I’m about to discuss, so I’m just putting it out there. 

While meeting with my writing group at church last weekend, we discussed the topic of “what men want” in the context of our recent sermon series entitled “Great Sexpectations.”  Our pastor shared his belief that the two key things men want in marriage are sex and respect. 

I found myself a little surprised that respect was right up there on the list with sex.  I guess I have some predetermined beliefs that include the idea that, generally speaking, most men tend to be quite confident, self-assured, and secure…..more so, I dare say, than most women.  We could get into why that is, but I think my brief synopsis is that women, in Western culture at least, are socialized to think they could always be prettier, thinner, sexier, better moms, and so forth.  Men aren’t exposed to the same amount of pressure.  A quick glance at a sampling of advertisements will illustrate this, in my opinion.  Also, the traits of confidence, self-assurance, and security are tightly aligned with Western ideals of masculinity.  For these reasons, I assumed men would not need respect to such a degree that it might be considered one of the top two things they want in marriage.

Of course it goes without saying that no man (or person) wants to be nagged, condescended to, or belittled.  I get that.  But I don’t often hear men express that they want or need respect, while they are more vocal about wanting/needing sex.  I suspect this is because it feels a bit vulnerable to admit that respect is important.  No man wants to be accused of being needy.  Being needy is more expected of women somehow.  In fact, while stereotypically feminine traits are valued in men, they are also the go-to traits people use if they really want to insult a man (“He was crying like a little bitch,” “You’re such a fag,” etc.).   

One man in the group went on to say that he feels men, as a group, are weaker than they’ve ever been.  We discussed why this may or may not be true.  We also discussed the fact that women, as a group are stronger and more independent than they’ve ever been before, and that, perhaps some men are either voluntarily or involuntarily taking a proverbial back seat to such women nowadays. 

I’ve come to believe that two key things are required in a relationship.  Everything else is pre-empted by the existence of these two things.  And for me, those two things are love and respect.  Deal-breakers like infidelity, lying, and abuse (physical or emotional) really cannot occur in the presence of love and respect.  Of course, love and respect may ebb and flow at times, and we do not always show them in proportion to how we feel them.  When we are low on giving love or respect, we are more inclined to tend toward undesirable behaviors.   And while I feel that I am good at loving, I have to ask myself if I am as good at showing respect as I’d like to think I am…especially toward men.  Because of some of my assumptions about men’s reservoirs of self-confidence, security, and self-assuredness, I wonder if I haven’t always communicated my respect adequately.   Not that I'm trying to pull a Tammy Wynette up in here, I'm just being honest as I continue to make my way through this life.

There is no respect for others without humility in one's self.

Henri Frederic Amiel

How Can I Help You?

A pet peeve of mine is the lack of customer service in many businesses these days.  Sometimes I will complete a transaction without the cashier uttering a word to me.  They rely on the cash register’s display to communicate the price to me, they don’t count back my change, and they certainly don’t greet me in a warm way or thank me for my business.  What happened to the “How Can I Help You?” approach?

I think about this service-oriented approach with regard to interpersonal relationships as well.  So often, when people get on our nerves or disappoint us, we just judge them.  We draw our conclusions and condemn people for their choices, often without bothering to ask ourselves – or them – why they are doing things as they are.  Maybe we presume to know the cause of their behavior.  It’s much easier to assume someone is flawed in some way than to imagine there is a method to their madness.

Judgment without compassion suggests ignorance and self-righteousness, in my opinion.  Ironically, our detached, superior judgment of others can equate us with those we are judging.  When we judge someone or label them as lesser than us without attempting to understand them, what are we accomplishing and what purpose does it serve?  Putting them in their place?  Isolating them?  Securing our position as a superior being?   What would a measure of encouragement or support do instead?  How different would our world be if we approached others with a “How Can I Help You?” attitude?

Give, and it will be given to you.

Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap. For with the measure you use it will be measured back to you.”  Luke 6:38

But if anyone has the world's goods and sees his brother in need,

yet closes his heart against him,

how does God's love abide in him? 1 John 3:17

Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Phillipians 2:4

Questions of Forgiveness

It's fascinating to me how we view celebrities' lives under the microscope and judge them so easily, without knowing them or being directly impacted by them.  Oddly enough though, once the initial public reaction of disgust has passed, sins are quickly forgiven and forgotten as we get back to focusing on whatever it is that we love and admire about that particular celebrity.  

 

In our personal lives, it is usually far more difficult to separate the sin from the sinner, especially when it is personal and has impacted our lives directly in a negative way.  Not too often do you hear someone say, "Sure, Johnny beat up his wife, but man - is he a great accountant!" 

 

What is it that prevents us from forgiving others?  Fear?  Pride?  Enjoyment of the power differential?  Because we are humans, we all sin. This means that we will repeatedly find ourselves being asked to forgive others,  as well as seeking forgiveness for our own actions.

If your life was front page news, what story might threaten to ruin the public’s perception of you? How would you make a case for your own forgiveness?  Has someone ever refused to forgive you after you genuinely apologized and asked forgiveness?  How did that make you feel?  Have you refused to forgive someone?  What purpose did that serve you?

 

Do you believe someone must ask your forgiveness in order to be forgiven by you?  Why or why not?

We typically think of forgiveness in terms of forgiving others and of God forgiving us.  What about forgiving ourselves?  Hebrews 9:14 tells us, “How much more shall the blood of Christ, who through the eternal Spirit offered himself without spot to God,  purge your conscience from dead works to serve the living God?”

 

If you’ve ever paid off a loan, you’ve probably experienced that feeling of sweet release and joy.  You are no longer in debt, and you wouldn’t continue to send payments once the loan is paid in full.  So why do we continue to beat ourselves up long after forgiveness has occurred?

Do you need to forgive yourself for something?  If so, what’s stopping you?

 

“For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” (Romans 3:23)

"For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses."

(Matthew 6:14-15)

 

“And whenever you stand praying, forgive, if you have anything against anyone, so that your Father also who is in heaven may forgive you your trespasses.” (Mark 11:25)

Learning to Dance Again

A relationship is like an intricately choreographed dance.  Not only do you need to move to the same rhythm, but you need to be very aware of your partner’s movements and how your corresponding movements might enhance or detract from the dance.  Balance is key, and while you may sometimes rely on one another for support or even lift one another, you must retain your own strength and posture, or you may both topple to the floor.

When you are “in between dances”, you become out of practice.  Ideally, you will still dance alone, but this is an entirely different experience.  Still beautiful and expressive, but now relying only on your own internal rhythm and choice of movements.  You know it’s only you out there, and that you will never be lifted high above the dance floor, nor will you feel a hand at the small of your back as you bend backward.  But there is also no one to drop you during a lift.  There is no one to step on your toes or trip you up. 

Still, the music is so inviting, as you realize you are involuntarily tapping your toe to the beat and swaying to the rhythm.  There really is no choice in the matter, the desire to join in is overwhelming.  It feels familiar.  The rhythm comes quite naturally.  Take my hand.  Lead the way. 

Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared beneath the stars above
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known you'd ever say goodbye?
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end, the way it all would go...
Our lives are better left to chance...I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance.
Holding you I held everything
For a moment wasn't I the king?
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey who's to say? You know I might have changed it all.
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end, the way it all would go...
Our lives are better left to chance...I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance.
Yes my life is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain but I'd have had to miss the dance

"The Dance" by Garth Brooks

You Don't Need to Understand

My actions, beliefs, and choices may not make sense to you.  We are human, predispositioned to judge one another.  I'm the only one who has to walk in my shoes and silence my heart and head each night to find peaceful rest.  What rattles and enrages you might roll off of my back, and vice versa.  Thank God for that.  I know that, from time to time, I need the insight of someone who feels differently: to talk me off the ledge, to calm me, or even to prompt me to stand up for something important.

When disease strikes, when children are gunned down in a school, when a couple divorces, when unpopular business decisions are made...we ask "why?"  Maybe it's our need for control.  We can better deal with unexpected information if we know what caused it?  What creates the need to understand one another?  We speak of closure when a relationship ends, and what we really mean is that we need to understand why.  It helps us to heal, to process, to synthesize all the data in our minds. 

I wonder why we spend so much time analyzing others' choices, trying to make sense of what they are doing?  We get so riled up about others' life choices, when often it's not our business and may not even impact us in the slightest way.  A lawmaker wants to legislate what two lovers do in their bedroom.  A mother wants input in her son and daughter-in-law's family planning.  A father wants to influence his son's athletic choices.  A manager wants an employee to do things their way, even if another way is efficient and successful.

Some of my deepest and most challenging human encounters have bloomed by learning to accept the fact that I can never fully understand you and you can never fully understand me.  And while I might not make the same choices for myself as you do, the good news is that I don't have to understand or even agree with you.  I'm probably still going to try...probably going to ask questions to help me understand.  But I can choose to love or at least accept you anyway, because I'm not perfect either.  Sometimes I don't even understand myself, so I certainly don't expect you to understand me.

What is love? 

Love is when one person knows all of your secrets...

your deepest, darkest, most dreadful secrets

of which no one else in the world knows...

and yet in the end,

that one person does not think any less of you;

even if the rest of the world does."

~Unknown