Forgiveness, to me, is a pretty straight forward thing. It’s a no-brainer, really, especially if you’re a Christian. But reconciliation is an altogether different creature. It may be desired, but it doesn’t always come easily or even naturally.
It’s no easy thing to move past your own hurt and decide to take a risk on something that may or may not work out for you. In some ways, it’s no different than the beginning of a relationship – we all take risks there, not knowing which direction things may lead. In other ways though, it’s incomparable. You have a history. You have memories and reminders of a time when things were better, sunnier, more innocent, more….solid. It looms over you as both a ghost and a goal, because you want to return to that place. Problem is, you don’t know whether you ever can.
Memories come flooding back, often at the most inopportune moments. And so you ride a roller coaster at times, sometimes feeling open to the possibilities and growth offered to you, and sometimes slamming the door and freezing up, residing in a place of anger and distrust.
The person on the other end is facing struggles of their own, though no one wants to give them any credit or sympathy. They are aware they are willingly entering a power differential that cannot be avoided if anyone is acting with an ounce of honesty. They must be willing to swallow their pride, to accept accountability and blame, and to face the judge and jury who alternatingly accept and commend their efforts - or - lash out at and condemn them, or sometimes refuse to acknowledge them. All of the negative consequences are a result of the mistakes they made, and so they must accept the obstacles they encounter if they want to make a change and rebuild what was lost.
I’m in the midst of a construction zone of reconciliation right now. It’s tiresome, dangerous, and the outcome is obviously uncertain. But isn’t that always the case, whether reconciling or just starting out? It’s all about taking chances, about experimenting with trust, and about measuring your levels of happiness and distress and figuring out if the return on your investment is worth the risk. The passersby that glance over at my construction zone sometimes offer a thumbs up, sometimes offer a thumbs down, and sometimes look the other way altogether. It doesn’t really matter. I’m one of only two people that can do this work. I’m learning to plot out and reinforce the boundaries I need in order to focus on the work at hand. And I'm well aware that the fees are double if I'm caught speeding through this delicate, dangerous stretch of road, so I'm keeping both hands on the wheel and staying in between the lines at a safe pace.
