Conditional Love

You claim that you love me - well really you don't even claim to anymore, it's just a foregone conclusion I'm meant to assume.  But you have found it so easy to turn your back on me.  I'm supposed to believe that you're concerned for me and that your concern is rooted in love for me.  Well let me tell you, none of this feels like concern or love.  It feels like conditional love.  When I do what you want me to do, you supposedly love me.  When I do something you disagree with, you withdraw your love and turn your back on me.  The irony is that you push me even farther away by doing that. 

 

To be honest, I really don't buy that you love me.  I haven't bought it for a long time.  I'm not stupid.  You certainly haven't shown it.  There were times I needed you, and you know how I hate to ask.  But I did.  You were too busy.  Busy with your life, busy judging me....  You don't even know me anymore.  So it's almost laughable now to see you turn your back on me, because it's really only a notch up from what you were doing before. 

 

I will never try to convince someone to love me or support me.  And why should I?  It's insanity.  It's insulting.  And the jig is up. 

I'm Here Now

Most of us can recall some childhood memory when we were experiencing panic, disappointment, sadness, or a feeling of being lost.  We knew that the only thing that would make it all better was the presence of a loved one to provide reassurance and security.

 

When I was in kindergarten, I rode the bus home from school, and was one of the first stops on the route (we lived just down the street from the school).  One day we had a substitute bus driver, and he drove right past my house.  I was so shy and withdrawn (believe it or not...lol), I couldn't even muster up the courage to speak up and let him know of his error.  Instead, I sat and cried quietly in my seat, while the driver covered a lot of miles on out into more rural areas that I did not visually recognize. 

 

Meanwhile, my mother was frantic, calling the school to see if I was still there, driving up and down the road to see if somehow I was walking home from school, and so forth.  Eventually, the bus driver made his last drop off and began to head back to the bus lot.  It was then that he noticed me and asked where I should have been dropped off, and I guess I managed to tell him my address or street name.  Arriving back home and rushing into my mother's arms was the only thing that would have comforted me and eased my anxiety on that day.  I'm sure she probably soothed me, whispering something like, "It's okay.  I'm here now."

 

Even as adults, we need these moments.  It's hard to admit it, but each one of us needs to be wrapped up in the arms of safety, love, and security.  I've recently experienced that for the first time in a very long time - someone who wants to take care of me in ways I never thought I would be cared for, because I was always so busy doing it all for myself and my children.  It's crazy actually, having him there to lend a hand, to provide support, and for me to lean on.  I'm not used to it.  I've unfortunately grown accustomed to takers, not givers.  It feels luxurious.  When he says he'll handle a certain thing, I'll say "I've got this.  I've always taken care of this."  Then he says to me "I'm here now" and I feel like the child coming off the school bus, falling into arms of support and comfort and love. 

 

Indeed you are here now.  And I am slowly learning to let you hold me and help me.

 

"You're here, that's all I need to know
And you will keep me safe
And you will keep me close..."

~"A Little Fall of Rain" from Les Miserables

 

 

Coat of Many...Betrayals

I'm writing a small group study guide for my church.  I haven't even heard the sermon yet that it's based on, but I know the topic (betrayal & forgiveness) and read several chapters in Genesis today that will apparently be discussed.  It's a story I know well - that of Joseph and the betrayal he endured. I counted three betrayals actually.  First, his own brothers betrayed him.  Out of their jealousy for his favoritism with his father, they sold him off as a slave, telling their father he had died.  Second, his master's wife tried unsuccessfully seduce him.  His rejection of her made her so angry that she lied to her husband and said he came on to her.  Third, after being thrown in prison and helping a cellmate by interpreting his dream correctly and giving him hope, he begged that the cellmate not forget him, and to put in a good word for him.  The cellmate did not do as Joseph asked.

When Joseph finally confronts his brothers - after he has climbed a ladder of success and become powerful and well-respected - he is overcome with sadness at what they did to him.  Still, he chooses to bless them more than you and I might say they deserve.

One verse stuck out to me in a big way.  Joseph comforts his brothers (comforts them!) over what they did to him.  He tells them, "...it was not you who sent me here, but God..." (Genesis 45:8).  Through all of the bitterness and resentment, Joseph found his way not only to forgiveness and compassion, but to see the divine purpose in his life story.  He recognized that, without the betrayals he suffered, he would not have come to perform God's purpose for him, which allowed him to put measures into place to feed a country during a seven year famine. 

I recently shared with my writing group that the person who committed one of the greatest, most hurtful acts of betrayal toward me, was the one who introduced me to the church I now attend.  I learned a lot from the sins that person committed against me.  But every time I marvel at how much I love my church, the pastor, the choir I'm in, the children's programming, etc......I think about the fact that I was brought here by way of a difficult road.  I don't believe it was an accident.  I needed to be here.  And now I have this wonderful community of people, as well as an amazing pastor and worship leader, to help me heal from the wounds of betrayal, and to grow in my relationship with God.

"Somewhere down the road

There'll be answers to the questions.

Somewhere down the road

Though we cannot see it now...

Somewhere down the road

You will find mighty arms reaching for you

And they will have the answers

Somewhere down the road."

~Faith Hill, "Somewhere Down the Road" (Prince of Egypt Nashville soundtrack)