Last 30 Days of My Thirties: Blog 19 - Worry

Scripture tells us again and again not to waste our time worrying.  I think this is one of the hardest things for me.  I am a worrier by nature.  I assume responsibility for far more than is actually mine.  My empathy is boundless and I spend considerable time worrying about others and their struggles. 

I worry about my health, my children's health, the way others treat my kids when I am not around, successful education for my children, illnesses of friends, friends mourning the death of a loved one, friends with miserable jobs or no job at all, friends in miserable marriages, friends experiencing infertility, friends experiencing new parenthood.  Pretty much any angle of any situation, I can find something to worry about.

I know it is taking a toll on my health and that my body is holding on to stress in bad ways.  I also know the secret to not worrying is to have stronger faith in God and trust in him completely.  It makes me sad that I cannot seem to get there.

Last 30 Days of My Thirties: Blog 18 - Our Children are Mirrors

Lately, when my children get on my nerves, I recognize that some of their most annoying traits have actually been inherited from...yep, me.  It's really a deep experience when you observe this and recognize the connection.  Even as I try to coach them out of those behaviors, I am listening to what I'm saying and trying to apply it to my own behaviors as well.

To be fair to myself, some of those traits are useful and annoying at the same time.  Happily, some of their best traits are mine too.

But best of all are the traits they have that seem to have sprung up independently of both their father and I.  They are unique beings with unique personalities and appearances.  And they are a reflection of me even as they are a new creation.

Last 30 Days of My Thirties: Blog 17 - Transparency

I will be the first to admit that I can be a horrible judge of character.  On the one hand, there are people I meet whom I immediately get a bad, creepy, or suspicious vibe.  I've learned not to ignore that.  But there are others whose charm or flattery or false self-presentation completely fools me.  Even when I begin to uncover lies and discrepancies in their stories, I wind up doubting myself.  There are people who, if I had not been informed of who they are and what they've done, I would have easily been hoaxed into believing they were a victim, or a good person with good intentions, when the reverse was true.

 

Some of the people with whom I've been most open and intimate (and that's a lot, because I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve) have shocked me when they have committed transgressions against me.  Often, in talking to other about it, I find out that other are not so surprised or even saw it coming. 

 

There's not much comfort to be found here.  I can be more skeptical about people and refuse to trust them, or I can give the benefit of the doubt.  Yes, there is a gray area in between, but that's where it gets tricky.  People do not come with warning signs.  I have learned to stop ignoring red flags and things that seem too far-fetched or too good to be true.  But sometimes red flags are only half the story.  And sometimes good things are true.

 

No tidy ending here, folks.  Just a Pisces being pensive.

Last 30 Days of My Thirties: Blog 16 - Forgiveness

At a bible study tonight, we were learning about how God truly dismisses, does not count, and covers up our sins for which we repent.  This is such a hard thing for me to comprehend, because I am human.  I cannot so easily dismiss, forget, or not keep track of my own sins and the sins of others.

 

I hear myself say to my children - when they apologize for something they've done many times before - "if you were really sorry, you wouldn't keep doing the same thing."  But God doesn't say that to me when I repeat my mistakes and my sins. 

 

It's so hard to be Godly, because we're humans.  He knew we would be sinners, and that's why he made the ultimate sacrifice for us - the crucifixion of his only son - so that we could be forgiven and blessed with eternal life.

 

We talked about how guilt and doubt are the devil's strongholds into our souls.  We do so much of his work to ourselves when we feel guilt and doubt.  We make it easy for him to enter into our heads and our hearts and draw us further away from God.

 

Recently, I stood before my boss in tears, apologizing for all the work I've been missing due to medical and personal issues.  She told me I was putting more pressure on myself than she was, and that I could let go of all my stress and guilt.  That was a Christ-like attitude.  And it's something I need to work on.

Last 30 Days of My Thirties: Blog 15 - Selfish to Selfless

When my thirties began, my marriage was ending, my life dreams were being adjusted, and I was a mother of two young children feeling very alone and very helpless and hopeless.  Yet I was determined to make it.  Sometimes it was one day at a time, and that felt like a small victory.  But as I began to get the hang of it, I was building a wall around myself.  Convinced that most folks could not be trusted and had bad intentions, I assume a rather chilly front, making it a challenge for others to get close to me.  I liked to play hard ass and pretend that I didn't need anyone, other than my very closest friends and my parents, to whom I would sob and vent and confess all of my fears and insecurities.

 

Along the way, I realized that this strategy mostly backfired.  I pushed all but the most persistent (and not in a good way) people away from me. 

 

Now as I stand at the brink of 40, I can see so many ways this has changed.  I am still hesitant to trust, but on the other hand, I do find myself being surprised at what a bad judge of character I've been towards some people.  And not in a good way!  Sometimes I trust and believe a person only to discover they were posing or had ulterior motives with my best interests not in mind.

 

I have to really discipline myself to do things just for me, rather than for my kids, my friends, and family (and sometimes even strangers).  I have found great happiness and joy in doing unexpected and kind things for others.  I have let someone into my life who has turned out to be that missing piece of the puzzle for whom I had always searched.  The more I open myself to him, the more our love deepens and broadens.  More than that, I have felt compelled to help those who are far from being my responsibility.  I just think this means I am growing up.  I credit a lot of this to the strengthening of my spirituality and relationship with God.  He made it very clear that we are not just to focus on ourselves, but to serve others with a joyful heart.  I'm finally getting it.  I've got a long way to go still, but I'm getting it. 

Last 30 Days of My Thirties: Blog 14 - Friends

I find myself reflecting on the different types of friends in my life as I approach 40.  Being the Type A personality that I am, I find it easiest to categorize them.  So here we go:

Long-Timers

These are the friends I grew up with.  For the most part, we aren't in close contact.  We use social media to keep apprised of one another's lives, have chance encounters, and occasionally see each other at reunions, weddings, and funerals.  But even though we aren't close anymore, I feel that I still know them because we knew each other in our coming of age years.  I feel that I could confide in them or even ask for help if I needed it.

 

Grown-up Friends

These are folks I've met in my 20s and 30s, even as I was continuing to evolve into the person I'm meant to become.  I've connected with them on things that intrigue, interest, or impact me.  They are special to me because our relationships blossomed not based on who I was when I was younger or who my family is, or where I went to school or church, but they just...happened.

 

New Old Friends

This is essentially a Facebook phenomenon.  People from high school I might not have known well at all, but one we connected in the here and now, I found little treasures everywhere amongst some of them.

 

Stranger Friends

These are mostly people from church, and sometimes professional acquaintances.  We have no foundation really, but for whatever reason, they show their care and concern for me in amazing ways.

 

I'm so grateful for every type of friend, even the ones I am no longer close with.  Each person has come into my life for a reason and has contributed something positive, even if they ultimately hurt me or disappointed me or vice versa.

Last 30 Days of My Thirties: Blog 13 - My Roots are Showing

I know I didn't necessarily like it at the time, but I am so grateful for the qualities and behaviors my parents instilled in me at an early age.  I keep this in mind when I wonder if my kids understand or appreciate all that I do for them, especially as a single mom.  I know that the day will come when they will finally see.

 

We always went to church, growing up.  With the friends I made in my youth group, I believe I stayed out of a lot of trouble than I might have gotten into otherwise.  My parents kept close tabs on where I was going, with whom, and for how long.  There were no cell phones in those days.  I felt restricted, but am grateful they cared enough to not allow me to get into situations that lacked adult supervision and boundaries. 

 

Family was important.  We did not take vacations (I can think of two, and at least one was associated with a business trip of my Dad's).  Instead, we spent two weeks a year (one in summer and one at Christmas) visiting my extended family who live 500 miles away.  I saw my parents care for the aging and ailing parents, making long distance phone calls frequently, and being as supportive as possible when living so far away.

 

My parents always encouraged me and believed in me.  I am a perfectionist, and I'm not sure how much of that is who I am and how much of that is what they instilled in me, but I would up doing well in high school, graduating summa cum laude from undergrad, and attending graduate school on a full ride scholarship.  I have been blessed with the skills and responsibilities to hold secure, rewarding jobs and develop professionally and become a leader. 

 

In 39 years I have never seen/heard my parents raise their voices to one another.  To us, yes. :)  Of course I've seen them grumpy and even a little snippy with each other, but that is where it ends, at least when we were within earshot.

 

My point is this - the way that we parent lays the foundation for members of the next generation.  Many people have told me they wished they had a mom or dad like mine.  I understand the intensity of a compliment like that.  I feel extremely blessed that my parents gave me such strong roots that enabled me to become a well-rounded, well-functioning adult and parent. 

 

Train up a child in the way he should go,
Even when he is old he will not depart from it.

Proverbs 22:6

Last 30 Days of My Thirties: Blog 12: The music of silence

One thing I have really come to appreciate in my thirties is the beautiful sound of silence.  In a life filled with young, energetic children, dogs, tech devices, TVs, etc., it is rare to hear silence.  Moments of silence I've come to really treasure include: massages, being in the shower, the first moments of the morning as I pray, time in the car, and being home alone.

I love people and conversation and I love music, and I sleep every night to the sounds of either ocean waves, rain or crickets.  But I love silence.  I believe it helps me to grow and strengthen my own voice.

 

“We need to find God, and he cannot be found in noise and restlessness.

God is the friend of silence.

See how nature - trees, flowers, grass- grows in silence;

see the stars, the moon and the sun, how they move in silence...

We need silence to be able to touch souls.”

~Mother Teresa

Last 30 Days of My Thirties: Blog 11 - Dumbing Down

In my mid-thirties, I began to experience a scary pattern of fainting or coming close to fainting.  I could not seem to establish any pattern or precursors to the fainting.  Other times, I just was so severely tired I literally had to be picked up from work and taken home to sleep.  Sounds silly? 

 

I was debating (oops - that's a funny Freudian slip if you knew him) - I mean dating - a guy with diabetes.  One day he commented that I was acting as if I had low blood sugar: sort of getting spacy, shaky, tired, feeling faint, and generally "dumbing down" as I like to call it.  I followed up on that and learned that I have reactive hypoglycemia.  This means that when I eat, my body produces too much insulin, which in turn, lowers my blood sugar. 

 

Happily, the treatment is essentially diet planning and control.  Avoid simple sugars, and have protein and complex carbs every few hours. It is like clock work now. I don't even have to look at the clock and I can tell you it's been 2 - 3 hours since I last ate, based on the low blood sugar symptoms I am experiencing.  I carry glucose tablets in the car and in my purse at all times.

 

There have been times my children have found me slumped in a corner (I tend to gravitate toward quiet, dark places when I am crashing for some reason), and they know to get the glucose and force it in my mouth until it dissolves or they move my jaw to get me to chew it.  In a matter of a couple minutes I am coming around again.  Scary if you haven't been around it, but really just an adjustment in my life.

 

The joke is that when I am acting dumb, it means my sugar is low.  Nice to have an excuse? :)

Last 30 Days of My Thirties: Blog 10 - Painkillers

When I look back on my thirties, I see the ways I have dealt with pain and how it has changed with maturity and experience.  I remember when I first separated from my husband, everyone was shocked.  The reason is that I had not aired any of my dirty laundry.  Someone once told me that when you speak poorly of your spouse, you are speaking poorly of yourself because you chose to marry them.

 

Then, once I was divorced and single, I changed the way I dealt with hurt and pain.  You see, I am a talker and it is cathartic for me to talk about my feelings and problems, just to get it out of me.  The problem was that I began to talk too much to too many people, especially about pain others had caused me.  While I never lied about what others had done, and always made sure to confess to my part in the conflict, I was obviously talking to those who were biased toward me and were going to take my side.  Subconsciously,  I think I was just looking for validation, wanting to hear others say "it's not you" and so forth.  But it wasn't enough to hear it from one person.  I had to repeat it to others too.

 

I feel that this behavior was problematic, because it wasn't the purest of intentions.  I wanted that validation and assurance.  I think I already had it though, I just didn't trust my own feelings and assessments.

 

Anyways, I go about it a bit differently now.  I still talk to a few close friends/family about my problems.  I don't believe it is healthy to keep it all inside.  But I don't feel compelled to share every last detail either.  Another big difference is that I talk to God a whole lot more than I ever used to.  He knows all the details and facts.  He loves me.  He loves the other person/people involved.  I've learned to view him as a friend, a confidant, and a Father whose lap I can metaphorically crawl into when I am hurting.  It works so much better than running my mouth to anyone who will listen.

 

"Come to Jesus" by Mindy Smith

"Oh, my baby, when you're prayin'
Leave your burden by my door
You have Jesus standing by your bedside
To keep you calm, keep you safe,
Away from harm"

Last 30 Days of My Thirties: Blog 9 - Pets

I lost my beloved Chihuahua, Macho, a few weeks after my dissolution was finalized.  I had not yet become accustomed to being alone in the house when the kids were spending time with their dad per our custody arrangement.  It may sound crazy, but when the kids were gone, I felt more afraid, as if no one would know for several hours if something bad happened to me.  I found myself talking to my dog more and more. Not conversations, mind you, but as I'd pass through the room he was in I would say "Hi buddy" or pet him.

 

When he died, it hit me extremely hard.  Not only had I loved him for 15 years, but in the weeks leading up to his death, he had become my security blanket.  He slept with me.  He greeted me at the door.  That first night I came home from work and he wasn't there, I lost it.  The next morning, when I had to skip the first part of my routine, which was letting him outside, I cried and cried. 

 

Unfortunately, I tried to rebound a little too quickly (see blog 8!) by getting a dog within a few weeks.  She was a bad match for our family and I realized it quickly and found a better home for her.  It would be a couple years before I felt ready to commit to a puppy again.  I was dating a controlling and selfish man at the time, and I'd made arrangements to purchase from the breeder before we'd begun dating.  When the pups were weaned and I was ready to go choose my new pet, he warned me to think carefully, because a new puppy would take a lot of time and energy....away from him.  Yes, he really said that.  I looked at him and said, "Here's the way I see it.  She's a sure thing.  She'll be with me 10 - 15 years.  You?  You could be gone in a few days or weeks.  I'm getting the dog."

 

Seven years later, she is a cherished companion of mine, as is my newer, younger rescue dog.  For me, dogs serve as a beautiful reminder of the way beings can communicate and feel things for one another without being of the same species or speaking the same language.  I love my dogs.  They've been a huge part of my thirties and I suspect that will continue for my next 40 years.

 

Last 30 Days of My Thirties: Blog 8 - Resist the Rebound

We all know it's a bad idea to rebound from one relationship to another too quickly.  But many of us believe our situation is different and that we know better.  I have rarely, if ever, found that to be true.

 

During my divorce, a counselor or a book I read stated that, for every 4 years in a relationship, you need 1 year to recover before you are able to consider engaging in a new and healthy relationship.  When I heard that, I was horrified.  That meant I would have to wait about 2.5 years!!  That seemed ridiculous.  So, deciding I was a better adjusted adult than most, I forged ahead with dating a few months after my divorce was final.  

 

I use the term dating because the term relationship would not be accurate.  Essentially, I was fishing.  I tried to convince myself I was ready to give to others and to love others, but honestly, what I needed was to be loved and to be given to.  I was wounded, hurting, lost, and starting most parts of my life over again.  I was in no position to give to others.  I was struggling to give my children what they needed and deserved, as well as my friends, family, and even myself.

 

Would you believe that it took about 2.5 years for me to begin my first real relationship?  That relationship was horribly flawed, and was based on me finally giving in to someone who pursued me relentlessly.  It made me feel wanted - something I had not felt in a long time.  What I didn't realize is I was expecting him to make me happy....an unfair expectation for anyone.

 

At one point, I met and fell in love with the man I still believe is the love of my life.  Our breakup was extremely difficult for me, and I couldn't begin to figure out how to heal and move on emotionally.  So I got involved way too soon with someone else, ignoring all sorts of red flags and inconsistencies.   I was wearing blinders because deep down I wanted him to love me and commit to me the way I wanted the love of my life to love and commit to me.  Disastrous. 

 

Finally, after another devastating breakup, I took a year and half entirely to myself.  Not one date.  I refused every advance made toward me.  I became comfortable being alone and spending time with friends and family exclusively.  I went to movies alone.  I went out to eat alone.  I went to a football game alone with 100,000+ people in the stands.  And I finally began to truly understand myself and take care of myself.  I even began to love myself.

 

Only after that period of solitude and reflection was I able to enter a relationship as a whole person who was truly able to give as well as receive.  By God's grace, that person was the love of my life (yes, the same one I'd been with previously).  But this time everything was different, better...not perfect....but more mature, fair, and a good balance of giving and receiving. 

 

The rumors are true, and they do apply to you.  If you are still hurting over your last love, you are cheating the person with whom you begin a relationship.  There's no way around that fact.  And the unspoken and perhaps subconscious expectations you have of them are impossible to meet.

Last 30 Days of My Thirties: Blog 7 - Safe Harbor

Unfortunately, life is full of drama and conflict quite frequently.  I decided several years ago that my home needed to be a safe harbor as much as possible from these toxic, negative things.  Obviously, voices get raised, conflicts arise between the children, the children & I, or myself and another adult.  But home has become a place I crave to be when I am feeling stressed, sick, or sad.

 

Once I grew out of the idea that I needed to be out and about as much as possible with a loaded calendar, I came to grow very fond of my couch, cuddle time, and peace and quiet.  I protect my home as much as possible from the things we encounter daily in life that bring us stress and discomfort.  It is important and effective in creating boundaries. 

 

Also, other than brief venting about the events of our days, we make it a point not to bring those stresses home with us and let them devour our home life.  Might not seem like a big deal, but when I look back on the last decade, this is a great change I have reinforced and encouraged in my life.

Last 30 Days of My Thirties: Blog 6 - Taking Care of Me

One of the keys to my growth and happiness in the past decade is the development of ability to take care of myself.  I'm really not talking about "handling my business" independently.  I'm talking about recognizing what my mind and my body need, and seeing it to it that I give them what they need. 

When I need to de-program a bit, I give myself permission to read for awhile or to watch something entertaining on TV.  When I feel lonely, I make sure to find a trusted, supportive friend to talk to - rather than just hoping someone might call me at just the right time.  When I feel tired, I take naps instead of pushing through it.  When my head hurts, I make things quieter and soothing.  I just pay attention to my needs more than I ever used to (or had to) before.  I operate much better and more efficiently when I'm not depriving myself of reasonable remedies for my malaise.

Last 30 Days of My Thirties: Blog 5 - Pursuing Passion

Since my teens and twenties, certain passions have been awakened in me.  When you have a passion for something, you don't have to talk yourself into it and you never feel obligated to it.  You want to follow your passions. 

 

In my thirties, I have followed several passions and become involved in various initiatives.  Not all of them were a good fit for me, for one reason or another.  Sometimes becoming involved in one area helped me to see a different area that was a better fit for me.

 

At church, I've been involved in several bible studies, small groups for single mothers, choir, writing devotionals, writing curriculum for small groups, and serving at a women's shelter.  I've participated in coat drives, prepared meals for recovering addicts and people dealing with setbacks in life, and prepared shoeboxes full of Christmas gifts for needy children.

 

In the schools, I've tutored kindergarteners and first graders for whom English was a second language.  I've prepared meals for teachers on conference nights and created tokens of appreciation for teachers.  I've coordinated auction baskets and coordinated room parents.

 

I've volunteered for a non-profit organization that pursued legislative changes for the gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender communities.  I've contributed to and/or participated in many community causes for cancer research, heart research, AIDS research, veterans' services, and many others.

 

Internally, I've encouraged myself to pursue passions right here at home, such as gardening, reading, and writing.  I try to read 2 books a month at least, and I write two blogs when time permits and inspiration strikes.  Typically, I find it easier to write about life's valleys than life's peaks.  I've tried to develop songwriting skills.  I need to carve out more time to sit down and play through my piano, as it is one of my greatest cathartic acts.

 

All of these things have been outlets for me - ways to express my compassion and apply my skills in efforts, large and small, to change lives.  But as much as certain things may or may not help others, they all help me to pursue my passions.  And I have found that doing that is one of the keys to being happy with myself.

Last 30 Days of My Thirties: Blog 4 - Toddler to Teen

In my thirties, my oldest child went from age 3 to 13.  Exhale.... 

 

So much of parenting is winging it, isn't it?  You choose your battles, determine your boundaries, set expectations, and then you really take it as it comes.  Hopefully you have a strong sense of values, a good support network, and a strong relationship with God to help guide your parenting.  There's no right or wrong answer for so many of the dilemmas, conflicts, and forks in the road.

 

In some ways, the issues don't change.  At three, there are hurt feelings by the way their friends and classmates treat them.  Same at thirteen.  At three, they seek the comfort of their mother when they are sick, sad, or hurting.  Same at thirteen. 

One of the hardest parts of parenting, for me, is explaining the evil in the world.  I try to tell her enough to make her vigilant and cautious, but not so much that she is terrified to live her life and be a kid.  She was 8 months old when 9/11 happened, but eventually the time came when I had to explain that to her (as best I could).  Hurricane Katrina, the earthquake in Haiti, tsunamis, and school killings have all impacted her greatly.  Still she asks me how the survivors of these events are doing. 

She can hardly remember when her father and I were together (she was 4 when I dissolution was finalized), which is, in some ways, a blessing.  She has watched me date, break up, suffer a broken heart, and stand up for myself with men.  I hope that, even though I haven't been able to model a marriage for her, that my experiences have taught her something helpful about relationships, conflict, and healing.

 

In short, we've both grown up a lot.  She has taught me and I have taught her.  I have worked hard to instill important values in her and to demonstrate responsibility and compassion.  I love to hate the parts of me I see in her, and I love to see the new directions her life is going where mine has never gone.  In the last decade, I've gone from adoring who she was when she was born...to who she was born to become.

Last 30 Days of My Thirties: Blog 3 - The Traveler

The decade of my thirties was the decade of travel.  The primary reason is that my employer began offering an incentive trip tied to our annual revenue goals.  Through their generosity and our team’s hard work, I have been taken to Cancun, Jamaica, Dominican Republic, Puerto Rico, Orlando (okay it was the year of the recession), and a dude ranch in Colorado – all expenses paid.  I never would have had the opportunity to travel to these places otherwise. 

 

I saw and experienced some really amazing things on those trips, including:

 

·         Riding a horse through the jungle and into the ocean in Cancun

·         Eating on a rooftop Mexican restaurant, complete with a mariachi band and a view of Cozumel across the water from Playa del Carmen

·         The most beautiful, warm people filled with hospitality and kindness in Jamaica

·         Walking up the waterfalls in Ocho Rios, Jamaica

·         Two ridiculously fun nights at discotheques in Jamaica and the Dominican Republic

·         A private island in Puerto Rico

·         The bioluminescent bay in Puerto Rico

·         Breathtaking scenery, trap shooting, and archery in Granby, Colorado at the dude ranch

In my thirties, I also traveled to Canada, to the Bahamas (won a free trip) with my roommate from OSU, to San Diego by myself to see two friends from grad school (amazing trip with a spa offering mud baths, a gay country line dancing bar, and the best massage ever from my grad school roommate who opened her own massage business), and to Austin with a friend for a week of fantastic “eats and beats.”

Even after all of this, my three favorite vacation destinations are: South Central Virginia, East Coast beaches (Virginia and Myrtle), and Gatlinburg, TN. 

 

Virginia is where you will find all but my immediate family.  As a kid, twice a year we would go there for our vacations.  The importance of family was instilled in me at an early age.  Sometimes when we’d go for a week in the summer, my parents would leave my brother and I behind  in VA, and we were over the moon to spend a week with our grandparents, cousins, aunts, and uncles.  It’s a completely different world from the large Midwestern city where I reside, but it feels like home to me.  The scenery is beautiful, the people are colorful and hospitable, and even the smell is soothing to me.  Virginia, to me, is dirt roads, lots of tiny churches with their own cemeteries, large family gatherings, laughter, the best food in the world, hearing stories about days gone by, or just sitting on MeMa’s front porch listening to the whippoorwills, raising my head at the rare sound of a car passing down on the road below the hill on which she lives.  Still I make the 1,000 mile roundtrip drive at least once a year – sometimes by myself.

 

Gatlinburg was where my ex-husband and I spent half of our honeymoon (the other half in Nashville), and we returned every fall for our anniversary, eventually with children - even when our son was a mere 6 weeks old.  I fell in love with those Smoky Mountains in the fall.  It looked like God had taken the most beautiful blanket and draped it over the landscape.  It was peaceful, breathtaking, and it restores my soul to be there.  After my divorce, I still vacationed there alone with the kids or with friends.  The beauty of those Smoky Mountains is awesome, literally.  It’s been a few years since I’ve visited, but I intend to return this fall if at all possible.

My first trip to the beach was when I was 17, believe it or not.  In Pretty Woman, Edward says, "People's reactions to opera the first time they see it is very dramatic; they either love it or they hate it. If they love it, they will always love it. If they don't, they may learn to appreciate it, but it will never become part of their soul."  That is how the beach is to me.  I will never forget when my eyes first rested on it.  The enormity, the magnificence, the power, the SOUND of it.....it completely captured me.  There is nowhere on earth I feel the presence of God more strongly than at the beach.  I just can't fathom how you could deny the existence or the power of God once you've stood on a shoreline of an ocean.  As the song sung at my daughter's baptism goes, "I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean." 

Isn't that what travel is all about?

Last 30 Days of My Thirties: Blog 2 - Moolah

A few months into my thirties, my (now ex) husband and I separated, and divorced a couple weeks after my 31^st birthday.  Gratefully, there was no additional stress of arguing about the terms of our dissolution.  We agreed on essentially everything.  We treated each other with fairness and respect despite our differences. 

I was only working part-time when we separated.  I know now that God provides for us in ways we don’t always recognize, and this was one of those times.  Very shortly after we separated, my employer extended an offer to me for full-time employment and I eagerly accepted. 

My parents raised me to spend responsibly, to save, and to be fiscally responsible.  I thank God for this on a regular basis.  At the time I was 16 and working my first job, my Dad required me to tithe 10% of my income to our church, save about 40% of my earnings in a savings account, and I could spend the rest.  Of course, this was irritating.  I had name brand jeans to buy, movies to see, and a gas tank to fill!  But they instilled in me financial discipline and responsibility.

In my thirties, when I became a single mother of two, I relied heavily on this foundation.  I became an expert budget creator and implementer.  Even if it meant a regular rotation of grilled cheese, hot dogs, and mac and cheese, we were living within our means.  Mommy wasn’t spending much on herself in the way of new clothes, purses, shoes, pedicures, etc.  Mommy was supporting two children and trying to hold onto the house they’d known all or most of their lives as “home.”   

A significant recession hit during my thirties, and my salary was reduced.  Again, I turned to my budgeting skills to figure out how to make ends meet.  Things that once seemed mandatory or needed were reclassified as luxurious and merely wanted.  This included the Sunday paper, cable TV, name brand products, and the retirement of my much-loved but impractical Mustang. 

There were many acts of financial kindness during the rougher times though.  My parents would often help out in large and small ways, whether it be taking the kids for a haircut and refusing to be reimbursed, or picking up a “pre-Christmas” new coat the kids needed, or inviting us over to dinner.  I had friends that would babysit for free when I had an appointment.  I once received an anonymous $100 Kroger gift card with a note saying the sender admired the grace with which I handled the difficulties n life.  God continued to look out for me, and I continued to do my part in being responsible and strategic with whatever resources I had. 

But the biggest transformation occurred in my late thirties when I finally decided to truly tithe to my church.  I had always given offerings, but honestly it was only amounts that were comfortable for me and did not put me in any hardship.  I felt good about those chincy offerings.  But my pastor helped me to see that tithing is commanded of us, and is actually a joyful, God-honoring behavior that tremendously helps in building faith and trust in God.  Since I began tithing 14 months ago, my life has changed.  Money has literally shown up when it was most needed, and in the most unexpected ways.  It has changed my life and I will never go back to dropping a twenty here and there in the offering plate.  It's something I want and need to do, and it makes me happy.  Is it possible I'm finally growing up? 

Last 30 Days of My Thirties: Blog 1 - Looking Back at 30

A friend of mine recently posted on Facebook that she was about to turn 40 and wanted to know what friends suggested she do in the remaining days of her thirties.  This got me thinking about how I will be turning 40 very soon, and I decided to do a series of blogs for the last 30 days of my thirties. 

 

So I find myself reflecting back to when I turned 30.  My daughter was 3, my son was 6 months old, I was one month into employment with the employer I’m still with, I’d had the house I still live in for 2 years, and I was 5 months away from separating from my (now ex) husband. 

 

Socially, I had almost an entirely different circle of friends than I have now.  There are a few cherished friends with whom I’ve maintained a relationship in the last decade, and I suspect they will be friends for life.  There were other friends from whom I’ve grown apart. 

 

Spiritually, I was at a different church, and my faith was what I would call "treading water." 

 

Professionally, my career path was uncertain.  I’d just left a large, secure employer and taken a chance with a very small (5 employees) family-owned business, reducing my work from full-time to part-time. 

 

 Most of my emotional resources were being invested in my family and my marriage, which was floundering.  The kids were very dependent upon me/us for their physical needs.  We were still adjusting to the addition of a baby in the household.  Frankly, I was still adjusting to thinking of myself as a mother.  I’ve never been the natural mothering type.  When someone walks in the room with a baby, I do not ask to hold it. I only held mine because I figured I had only myself to blame if I dropped them! 

 

 I was feeling grown up in that I’d been married for 6 years, was a mother of 2, and had undergraduate as well as graduate degrees from fine institutions.  But 30 was that “in between” place where, “on paper”, you are certainly an adult, but you are still finding your way in life and hoping someday things will come more naturally or fall into place a little easier.  At least that’s how it felt to me.  I suppose I felt a bit like an imposter in every area of my life.  My marriage wasn’t working, I felt under confident as a mother, and my professional life had just started a new, uncertain chapter. 

 

So I arrived at 30 with very little hoopla, just another birthday, and began to lay the framework for what would be the most tumultuous and life-changing decade of my life to date.  Of course, maybe we all are prone to feel that way about the most recent decade in which we’ve lived.  I’ll let you know when I’m 49.