poison

Someone I care about is slowly poisoning himself.  As I've been observing this and struggling with it, it has occurred to me that poisoning is pretty much always a choice, isn't it?  We introduce a poison to our system, and we choose to ignore or maybe even accept the warning signs of the damage it will cause.  We learn to prefer the feeling of the poison inside of us than the feelings of being without the poison.

The thing is - that poison might be alcohol or drugs (street or prescription), but it might just as easily be negativity, pessimism, lying, or a number of other things.  At some point, the poison felt foreign to us.  It felt wrong, unnatural, out of place.....but we kept forcing it into our lives until it felt normal.  Then the pendulum swang in the other direction so that NOT having that poison ingested feels wrong, unnatural, out of place...

Unlike the poison of negativity or the poison of lying or cheating.....my friend's poison is going to kill him.  And before that, it is probably going to drive away every person who ever cared about him.  Which will probably make him feel alone and desperate and craving more poison. 

How do you make someone see that they are full of light and possibility and that they are covering it up with their poison?

I can't quite finish this blog entry because there is no tidy conclusion or summary.....I'm just sad about it and had to shoot it out there into the world.

I'll Take Mine

As I drove in to work this morning, several sights caught my attention.  I saw a mother walking her son out to a pickup van for disabled students.  He must have been in his mid-teens, and he had some sort of physical disability that clearly gave him difficulty in walking and carrying himself with an even gait.  It made me burst into tears immediately, as I imagined for a moment the struggles they both have probably experienced in their lives.  Then I saw a couple bitterly fighting in their car.  I've been a part of that couple, and I know how it feels to hear harsh and cruel words from someone you love, who you thought loved you enough not to cross certain lines.  I saw a woman driving alone, sobbing.

It was a fast-paced series of reminders (my commute to work is only about 4 minutes) that there are so many hurting in our world, and that sometimes just making it to your school or job each morning can be a battle, a trial...that each of us has our own sources of pain and joy that the rest of the world may not realize or take into account as they deal with us in whatever fashion they might choose on that given day.

Some would say I've experienced a lot of heartache, stress, and bad luck in my life.  That would be fair to say.  But I'm a lucky girl.  The experiences I've had have made me stronger, wiser, more resilient, and more grateful for the myriad blessings that surround me even on my weakest, most hopeless day.  I think that, overall, joy is a choice.  Each of us must deal with obstacles, temptations, and unfortunate circumstances.  But we get to choose how we react to them too. 

There is a saying about how if we all threw our problems into a big pile, we'd each probably take back our own once we saw everyone else's burdens and struggles.  I know I'd take mine back.  And hopefully there will always be days when I try to share someone else's too, just to ease their load a bit. 

endings

Friends, lovers, bosses, even family - they all comprise relationships in our lives.  They all require effort and intent.  And quite an awful lot of them....end.

Some people leave without us wanting them to, and we spend endless time and energy trying to understand why they made that choice, trying to self-reflect and determine whether and what we did to send them away.

Some people have to be practically fired from their role in our lives, as we reiterate over and over again that we no longer wish to participate in the relationship for various reasons.

Some people just quietly drift away and we opt to not reach out to them to try to reel them back in.

Some leave abruptly with harsh words and broken promises.

Some leave at the end of a long, long road fraught with agonizing analysis and second chances and second guessing.

The fact is, most of the relationships in our lives are fleeting and temporary, whether they last a few months or several years.  Hopefully, if we are wise, we look back and consider what we liked about that relationship, what we want to carry forward with us, what we liked about who we were while in that relationship, and we ever-so-slightly adjust ourselves and our outlook and our expectations in preparation for the remaining chapters of our lives.  Likewise, we reflect on what we didn't like, what we cannot accept, and what we are happy to be free of...and hopefully we don't let ourselves get wrapped up in those same things down the road. 

Ever evolving, ever learning, ever stretching and growing...

Roll the Bones

It seems like about once a year I fall into a deep-thinking rut where I begin to question what I'm doing with my life and whether it is enough and whether I am where I'm "supposed" to be.  Specifically, I think about my life's work and whether it is aligned with my personal passions and interests and talents.  I went to school to study psychology and eventually women's studies and became very passionate about issues of equality and social justice.  I spent a lot of time and energy studying cycles of abuse, sexual assault, and women's health as it relates to childbirth.  Will there ever come a time when I can devote my energy and time to those things I care the most about in this life?

Sometimes I'm able to feed those passions and reap intrinsic rewards by volunteering.  I've offered up time at Ohio State's Rape Education and Prevention Program, at a freestanding birth center, at Equality Ohio, and have tutored ESL kindergarten students at my children's school.  Those experiences have enabled me to help women give a voice to their experiences of rape and anonymously share their stories that have been hidden far too long.  Those experiences have enabled me to help women get insurance coverage for the homebirth they've always dreamed of, have enabled me to help affect political change to recognize and protect the rights of all people, have enabled me to look into the face of a 5 year old and see them smile as they realize they are learning something and they ARE smart and they DO have a future.  I've always been told that once you affiliate your passions with extrinsic rewards (i.e., salary, job title), your interest diminishes somewhat.  So maybe it is best to do the juggling act and fill in on the side where I can.

Still, when I get a newsletter from the local women's shelter and begin to cry while reading their "wish list" of items (stamps, cell phones, baby wipes, tampons), it's because I am thinking about how these women have been stripped of every sense of security and safety and the everyday rituals we wrap around us like security blankets.  It's because I want to do MORE.  I want to change lives.  I want to contribute to the revolution.  :)  Yet as a single mother of two that works full-time and owns a home, I find my time and energy are indeed limited.

Why am I here?  In the words of one of my favorite bands, Rush, that question could be answered with a simple "Because you're here, roll the bones."  Go with it.  Take a chance, stretch yourself a little further.  Remain open.  Do better.  Try harder.  Roll the bones.

The birth of Noah and the rebirth of his Mommy

Words seem completely inadequate for describing certain things in life.  The birth of my son is one such example.  Having approached that day with the usual primal concerns for his safety, health, and well-being, I was also laden with: a) a deep desire to actually experience childbirth as it was intended (my first child came via c-section), and b) a nagging fear that I couldn’t possibly replicate the love I already felt for my daughter.

The birthing experience itself was immensely important to me as I was that rare breed of woman who was eager and ready to be pregnant and to give birth, but not so sure about the whole “being a parent” thing that comes with it.  I took great care to prepare a peaceful and supportive birthing environment so that I might optimize the chances of a positive birth experience this time around.

The concerns about whether I could love him “the same” came from having experienced a love for my daughter that reached into the depths of my soul and controlled my every movement, word, and decision in life.  How could I possibly love another child THAT much?  I remember taking her picture to the hospital, feeling guilty for what I was “doing” to her – making her share the spotlight with another little somebody.

I remember seeing the midwife put on her “get in the trenches” gear and knew that….yeah…this was really gonna happen.  The natural way.  I felt that strange, out-of-body experience whereby you choose to transport excruciating pain and agony into a life force.  Literally.  I remember – in a weak moment - telling my mom to kill me, that I just wanted to die.  That’s how badly I experienced the weight of that pain. 

Noah came into this world surrounded by love and family – perhaps more family than most gals might be comfortable with in attendance.  ;) My dad filmed it - Van Halen’s “Right Now” blaring in his bad ear (courtesy of my mix CD I’d prepared just for pushing babies out!).  They placed him on my chest/abdomen and it happened all over again for me. 

I’ve been in love before…and know that experience of hours, days, or weeks building up until that moment where you step back and realize, “I’ve fallen in love.”  You don’t have that much time when it comes to your baby.  It is that escalation of intense longing, emotion, and devotion all crammed into a millisecond.  He appeared and love hit me like the kickback of a shotgun hits you in the shoulder and you aren’t expecting it to knock your entire body off balance.  In one moment….one moment….I knew I would spend the rest of my life loving him, protecting him, providing for him, hanging on his every word, and thanking God for allowing me to assist in a miracle.

When I think about Noah’s entrance into my life, I’m often reminded of a song by Pat Green called “Wave on Wave”.  My marriage was in turmoil, I was changing jobs, and my faith in myself, my God, and my life was a little rattled. 

          You came upon me wave on wave

          You’re the reason I’m still here

          Am I the one you were sent to save?

          You came upon me wave on wave.

          The clouds broke and the angels cried,
          You ain't gotta walk alone,
          That's why he put me in your way,
          And you came upon me wave on wave.

Happy Birthday sweet Noah.  I love you immeasurably.

The Perpetual Victim

‎"Everyone is personally responsible for his own actions. In pitying ourselves, we say, "Poor thing, suffering for your own sins! It's alright if you sinned. You shouldn't have to suffer for it." Self-pity actually involves lying to oneself...& is incurable w/o repentance. Repentance..is the difference b/t self-pity & sorrow. Self-pity involves no repentance, while godly sorrow produces repentance." ~Martin G. Collins


Lord knows we've all been there - it's easy to wallow in the depths of self pity when you feel that everything has gone wrong and that there is no hope.  It's an addictive place.  But if you're not careful, it becomes a comfortable place and you can nest there quite nicely. 

The spectrum between beating yourself up for things you've done wrong....all the way to blaming anyone but yourself for your lot in life....is an interesting line to walk.  It always seems that people reside on the wrong end of the spectrum.  The ones that deserve more credit are the ones who beat themselves up and can't forgive themselves.  The ones that have purposefully or maliciously caused drama or pain are often the ones who focus on what everyone else has done to them, with no sense of self-reflection.  Do both ends of the spectrum deserve peace, forgiveness, and healing? Absolutely.  But I have found that you will reconcile your own wrongdoings much more quickly and effectively if you approach it with a grain of reality and naked honesty as you look in the mirror and see where that finger is pointing. 

First Time Blogger

The truth is...sometimes there are just so many thoughts, so many feelings, so many questions, that you just need someplace for them to go.  Whether another soul ever hears them or not is - at times - irrelevant.  It's having a voice that is cathartic and liberating to me.  So I decided to stick my toe in the online blogging community.  When so much of our world has become "virtual" it seems that an online arena is a perfectly safe place for words, which don't require boundaries or restrictions anyhow.  So I guess I'm a blogger.  Starting.Right.Now. :)