NOTE: I found this draft blog written over a year ago, but felt it worth publishing.
It's time to flush the poison out, much like extracting venom from the site of the bite. And nothing has ever been more cathartic for me than writing. I haven't written in a year. And it's time.
I have been living in sadness and hurt for many months over the actions and words of someone I thought I knew very well, was close with and who loved me. Let's call that person "X". After a supposed "friend" made some accusations and shared some theories about me (based on ignorant and short-sighted observation), X exited my life quietly and without any communication. What's troubling is that, if X believed the theories and accusations, they should have been very concerned about me and should have reached out to see if any of it was true and if I was okay. X later said (in a letter) they didn't bother because they wouldn't have believed what I said. Reaks of an inability to handle conflict and confrontation, coupled with a general lack of compassion or love for me. But they've chosen to couch it as being sick of my "horrible decisions," particularly with regard to men, and the specific man I am with now and have been for almost two years.
On that note, they made a mockery of my relationship with that man, saying "You're pretending to be married for Christ's sake." What was meant as an insult actually has some truth to it. I married him with an ordained minister, because it was more important to us to be married in the eyes of God than the eyes of DeWine most immediately, and not that it's anyone's business, but we will get legally married once some financial matters are in order. So yeah, we did get married for Christ's sake, and to have His blessing over our relationship. We pray together regularly, many times a week. I've never been involved with a man who did that.
What I came to learn through X's direct words to me (after many months of silence, and only via a letter), is that they have been silently and confidently sitting in judgment over me for quite some time, referring to me as "the little princess," saying that I think the world revolves around me, and that I never think I am wrong. That I am the common denominator in all of my broken relationships. Applauding others (whom they've influenced and been the primary supplier of "information" to) who said hateful things to me in response to me simply reaching out to see how they were and to ask a simple question.
Because of my long and close history with this person, reading these words and realizing what a farce I've been to them was obviously extremely hurtful. The letter was snide, made several false assumptions, and came from a place with very little accurate information about me and my life, though obviously feeling as though they know plenty, and certainly enough to sit in judgment.
It bears noting that, in the 15 years I was a single mom of - initially - two very young children - this person rarely - if ever - offered to lend any assistance or support to me as I struggled and they were too self-focused to notice or care. I did ask for help from time to time, and despite the many, many times I reached out for other reasons, to share a laugh, etc., X's observation and comment was that I only reached out when I needed something. And while in those moments, X agreed to help and mumbled some vague words of empathy and support, they have now made it crystal clear that they thought me ridiculous for it. Add to it that they "no longer recognize me" and in reference to me: "If you see her, tell her I said hi."
I've done an excessive amount of reflecting on the entire situation. I have searched my mind and heart and prayed over how there could be any resolution. I've asked myself many times if I have something to apologize for, and cannot come up with anything I have done to this person (other than ask for help) that would require an apology. I come up short. And I'm a person who is quick to apologize and take accountability when I am in the wrong, even if it's an honest mistake I've made. I beat myself up over my mistakes and transgressions far more than anyone else ever could.
As I've worked through the pain that all of this has caused, I now find myself in the strangest place - somewhat wanting resolution, but also angry and disgusted with X. To realize how highly they see themselves in relation to me and how I've been the laughing stock to them for so long.....why should I even want them in my life? They've been self-absorbed and holier than Thou and only continue to be. They rarely checked in on me - mostly only if I was ill or had surgery or something like that.
I will never open up to this person again, because they will weaponize anything I share and I now know how they actually view me. They've expressed feelings of inferiority toward me before because of my advanced education and perhaps success in my career. I cannot control their feelings. They will continue to sit in judgment on me, ostracizing me, even as they profess to be a Christian. I'm going to be happy. I'm going to take care to not give them opportunities to hurt me further or reject me again. I will be civil and courteous, but I will no longer expend energy and emotion and effort toward them. This is what I mean by flushing out the poison.
