Last 30 Days of My Thirties: Blog 15 - Selfish to Selfless

When my thirties began, my marriage was ending, my life dreams were being adjusted, and I was a mother of two young children feeling very alone and very helpless and hopeless.  Yet I was determined to make it.  Sometimes it was one day at a time, and that felt like a small victory.  But as I began to get the hang of it, I was building a wall around myself.  Convinced that most folks could not be trusted and had bad intentions, I assume a rather chilly front, making it a challenge for others to get close to me.  I liked to play hard ass and pretend that I didn't need anyone, other than my very closest friends and my parents, to whom I would sob and vent and confess all of my fears and insecurities.

 

Along the way, I realized that this strategy mostly backfired.  I pushed all but the most persistent (and not in a good way) people away from me. 

 

Now as I stand at the brink of 40, I can see so many ways this has changed.  I am still hesitant to trust, but on the other hand, I do find myself being surprised at what a bad judge of character I've been towards some people.  And not in a good way!  Sometimes I trust and believe a person only to discover they were posing or had ulterior motives with my best interests not in mind.

 

I have to really discipline myself to do things just for me, rather than for my kids, my friends, and family (and sometimes even strangers).  I have found great happiness and joy in doing unexpected and kind things for others.  I have let someone into my life who has turned out to be that missing piece of the puzzle for whom I had always searched.  The more I open myself to him, the more our love deepens and broadens.  More than that, I have felt compelled to help those who are far from being my responsibility.  I just think this means I am growing up.  I credit a lot of this to the strengthening of my spirituality and relationship with God.  He made it very clear that we are not just to focus on ourselves, but to serve others with a joyful heart.  I'm finally getting it.  I've got a long way to go still, but I'm getting it.