Next month marks the 10 year anniversary of my divorce (actually a dissolution). I guess I find myself surprised, in some ways, that I've never remarried. Oh, I've come close. I came within 6 weeks of the wedding date a few years back. I read once that, for every 4 years spent in a relationship, you need 1 year to be alone with yourself and heal before trying to have another relationship. For me, that turned out to be very true. But I was also never in a rush to date. So many folks are dating before the divorce is finalized, even bringing the next "flavor of the month" to the courthouse, whereas I view such behavior as unhealthy, tacky, and even unsavory. It would have felt like cheating to me, and that's not how I do business.
At this moment in my life, I think it's becoming less likely that I will remarry. Oddly enough, this isn't about a lack of self confidence. I know I'm a catch in many ways, and it's taken me some time to be able to say that. The issue is lack of return on my investments. I've had 3 significant post-divorce relationships in terms of length and depth. If I cited the reasons for their endings, you'd swear I was lying and I'd wish I was. After those three, I managed to try once more, only to quickly learn that one woman wasn't enough for that one. Brief as it was, that one knocked my alignment out completely.
So I find myself on a self-imposed sabbatical. I know myself well, and I know I need time to heal when my heart's been wounded. I also am self-reflective and want to explore and understand why I've been repeatedly drawn to men who've been capable of inflicting such deal-breaking behavior.
However, in the "single" chapters of life, there's no denying the absence of drama, the lack of tiptoeing around anyone's sensitivities and quirks, and the satisfaction of answering to myself, knowing I won't let me down. My children are welcome, celebrated, and challenged. It's very clear who will do the mowing, snow shoveling, cooking, wrapping Christmas gifts, taking the car to the shop, etc. I'm responsible for honoring my own birthday in a way that suits me. It's lonely, don't misunderstand me. I'm grateful for the warmth and rhythmic breathing of my dogs' bodies next to me in bed each night because it somehow makes me feel less alone, less vulnerable. Sometimes the loneliness is so palpable it brings me to tears. Parenting feels daunting. The holidays seem overwhelming. And yet, I am so very tired of investing my energy, my time, resources, and emotions into underwhelming dead-ends. I'm tired of coming up short or even empty. I'm tired of getting the worse end of the deal. So my valuable resources are being wisely invested elsewhere, and I must say, my interest is up.
