Bitter, Party of One

Like most humans, there have been countless times in my life when things have - to say the least - not gone my way.  I've been in thankless jobs and thankless relationships.  I've had money that was owed to me withheld.  I've busted my ass and not seen the fruits of my labor.  I've invested time and emotional energy into friendships and romances where the other party has burned me in one way or another.  I've experienced life-changing tragedy. 

Feeling depressed, frustrated, hopeless, and even worthless are common reactions to these types of life experiences.  But sometimes I've gone beyond those states of mind and entered the realm of bitterness.  True bitterness - like "mad at the world", "don't look at me funny or I'll knock you out" bitterness...periods of time when I was convinced the world was against me, that I was a helpless victim of misfortune, and that no matter how hard I tried or how many times I did the right thing, things just kept going wrong.

Being bitter takes a lot of energy and effort.  I am constantly blowing everyone's "sunshine up your ass" advice and theories into oblivion.  I come up with a worst case explanation rather than being positive or giving someone the benefit of the doubt.  I assume the worst of everyone.  It's like planning an elaborate event: dotting every "I" and crossing every "T" just to make sure that the guest of honor at the pity party is portrayed as the ultimate victim and martyr.

In my experience, bitter is a shield put on to protect myself from further pain and suffering, but it only succeeds to disable me further and alienate me from the positive forces around me.  When I subscribe to bitterness, I essentially grant power to all the people, actions, words, and circumstances around me, rendering myself powerless, as if I am just a paralyzed pawn in the big game of life.  I rob myself of intent and purpose.  I excuse myself from playing an active role in my life, shrugging my shoulders and rolling my eyes as I float along on the sea of misfortune.

For awhile, bitterness can bring extra attention and coddling from those who love me.  I like the way that feels.  But eventually, even the best support network grows weary of participating in dead-end conversations that always circle back to my stubborn assertions that revolve around the idea that things are hopeless and it's "just not fair" and so forth.  When I refuse to be cheered up and shun the choice to be positive, I suck energy out of those that are trying desperately to be supportive of me.  As people drift apart, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy where I can point to their abandonment of me as just another example of the cruelty of the human spirit, the worthlessness of people, and the instability of relationships.

There is a lot of truth to the saying "you catch more flies with honey than vinegar."  Am I suggesting that we all be Mary Sunshine all the time and never get down and succumb to negativity?  Of course not.  We are human.  I'm just suggesting that the longer we hang out in the Land of Bitter, the more likely we are to be a party of one.

love is

Love is....hearing the rhythmic breathing of another human being and rejoicing in their moment of peace and rest, even when you are spending yet another night unable to sleep.

Love is....sharing when you have very little left to share.

Love is...getting up and making yet another meal and cleaning up, even when you don't feel like eating or being sociable, because "checking out" from your kids is not an option.

Love is...staying up late to put that forgotten load of laundry through another cycle so you can get yet another load done so your daughter can have her basketball jersey come morning.

Love is...giving your son the last cookie even though you bought it and you want it too, dammit!

Love is....calling MeMa just to let her know you love her and miss her.

Love is...letting someone else enjoy their show when you'd rather change the channel.

Love is...letting someone find the right time to tell you something you already know.

Love is...busting your tail everyday, no matter what, for the people that depend on you.

Love is....playing Pictionary with the kids when you'd rather read a book.

Love is...choosing not to add to someone else's burden.

Love is...what I do.

acting out

I remember when my kids were toddlers and preschoolers that the pediatrician told me they would act out for no apparent reason because they simply wanted attention. Even if it was negative attention, it meant that Mommy was focusing completely on them in that moment, and deep down that was all they wanted - to know that Mommy had boundaries and structure, and to know that I loved them enough to adjust and temper their words and actions into what I believed was acceptable human behavior.

I'm thinking that adults pretty much do the same thing.  For me, my acting out period was in the months and year or so following my divorce.  My definition of who I was and where I was going had been obliterated, leaving only jagged reminders of who I was and where I might be going.  So I acted out.  My perception was that almost all of my existing friends didn't know quite what to do with me or how to fit me neatly into their categories.  I wasn't one of the married folks anymore....after all, I was dating!  But I wasn't one of the single folks either....I had kids!  Two!  I felt their unease and drifted away, towards some new people who accepted my hyphenated existence and were willing to spend time with me, when what I so desperately needed was human contact and conversation, to feel I was not alone.

I won't say I went completely wild or anything, but I did choose to fill my time and company with things that hadn't had much of a place in  my life before.  The simple fact was, I was just like that toddler who wants Mommy's attention, even if it meant I had to get reprimanded or scolded or judged....just to know someone out there loved me - that was all I was looking for. 

This pattern plays out over and over again in other adults I know who go through moments in their lives where their identity is challenged or their sense of home is shaken.  They are drawn to those who will not challenge their behaviors (even though that's what they desperately need), and who will give them the attention they so badly crave.

Ideally, we all come out of our "acting out" phases, returning to ourselves, having learned a little more about who we are and who we aren't and who we want to be.  It's like deep down we all just need a little time out, to be put in a quiet place alone where we can reflect on what we've done.  But as for those time outs being one minute per age of life?  I don't know about all that......  :)