Learning to Dance Again

A relationship is like an intricately choreographed dance.  Not only do you need to move to the same rhythm, but you need to be very aware of your partner’s movements and how your corresponding movements might enhance or detract from the dance.  Balance is key, and while you may sometimes rely on one another for support or even lift one another, you must retain your own strength and posture, or you may both topple to the floor.

When you are “in between dances”, you become out of practice.  Ideally, you will still dance alone, but this is an entirely different experience.  Still beautiful and expressive, but now relying only on your own internal rhythm and choice of movements.  You know it’s only you out there, and that you will never be lifted high above the dance floor, nor will you feel a hand at the small of your back as you bend backward.  But there is also no one to drop you during a lift.  There is no one to step on your toes or trip you up. 

Still, the music is so inviting, as you realize you are involuntarily tapping your toe to the beat and swaying to the rhythm.  There really is no choice in the matter, the desire to join in is overwhelming.  It feels familiar.  The rhythm comes quite naturally.  Take my hand.  Lead the way. 

Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared beneath the stars above
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known you'd ever say goodbye?
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end, the way it all would go...
Our lives are better left to chance...I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance.
Holding you I held everything
For a moment wasn't I the king?
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey who's to say? You know I might have changed it all.
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end, the way it all would go...
Our lives are better left to chance...I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance.
Yes my life is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain but I'd have had to miss the dance

"The Dance" by Garth Brooks

You Don't Need to Understand

My actions, beliefs, and choices may not make sense to you.  We are human, predispositioned to judge one another.  I'm the only one who has to walk in my shoes and silence my heart and head each night to find peaceful rest.  What rattles and enrages you might roll off of my back, and vice versa.  Thank God for that.  I know that, from time to time, I need the insight of someone who feels differently: to talk me off the ledge, to calm me, or even to prompt me to stand up for something important.

When disease strikes, when children are gunned down in a school, when a couple divorces, when unpopular business decisions are made...we ask "why?"  Maybe it's our need for control.  We can better deal with unexpected information if we know what caused it?  What creates the need to understand one another?  We speak of closure when a relationship ends, and what we really mean is that we need to understand why.  It helps us to heal, to process, to synthesize all the data in our minds. 

I wonder why we spend so much time analyzing others' choices, trying to make sense of what they are doing?  We get so riled up about others' life choices, when often it's not our business and may not even impact us in the slightest way.  A lawmaker wants to legislate what two lovers do in their bedroom.  A mother wants input in her son and daughter-in-law's family planning.  A father wants to influence his son's athletic choices.  A manager wants an employee to do things their way, even if another way is efficient and successful.

Some of my deepest and most challenging human encounters have bloomed by learning to accept the fact that I can never fully understand you and you can never fully understand me.  And while I might not make the same choices for myself as you do, the good news is that I don't have to understand or even agree with you.  I'm probably still going to try...probably going to ask questions to help me understand.  But I can choose to love or at least accept you anyway, because I'm not perfect either.  Sometimes I don't even understand myself, so I certainly don't expect you to understand me.

What is love? 

Love is when one person knows all of your secrets...

your deepest, darkest, most dreadful secrets

of which no one else in the world knows...

and yet in the end,

that one person does not think any less of you;

even if the rest of the world does."

~Unknown