Changing the Way I Do Business

Looking back on a string of relationships that ended with hurt and heartache, I've always been cognizant of the fact that I am the common denominator in those relationships.  And while I'm not willing to take responsibility or blame for others who chose to cheat, lie, verbally abuse, steal, etc., it occurs to me that I do have something for which I'm responsible.  I have consistently chosen men who a) were not truly invested in a relationship with God, and b) were not interested in or committed to self-improvement.

 

No matter how nice, giving, loving, attentive, or thoughtful they were (at least for a while), their true self rose to the surface, acted out, and a more self-centered persona was eventually exposed.  What I tend to hear in my relationships goes something like this "You make me want to be a better man."  Now, I believe that is a good quality in relationships: being with someone who inspires you and challenges you.  It's fantastic.  But that cannot only come from your partner.  It also has to come from within you, and some of that will likely be rooted in your relationship with God and your journey to be the best person you can be. 

Furthermore, both partners have to feel inspired, not just one.  Yes, I've tried to adapt my words and behaviors so as to not spark someone's abusive anger (and that's another blog...), but no, I've never been in a relationship where the other person inspired and challenged me to be a better person.  I'm the one who is consistently consuming knowledge, exploring resources, and reflecting on my life with a focus on continually improving. 

I have dated a man I met at church, and I've dated a man who invited me to church.  I've dated men who "used to" attend church and then started again when they began to date me.  I've dated men who never prayed at the table and men who've insisted on praying before eating.  Bottom line: attending church  and praying does not make one a God-fearing, God-loving person.  There is a huge difference in believing in God and craving to grow closer to Him while trying to walk in His ways on a daily basis.  I am SO far from proficient at this, make no mistake.  But it is consistently in my thoughts and efforts. 

If I ever decide to take another chance on love, it's clear to me that I need to be sure I'm investing in someone who possesses these two qualies.  And honestly, in my opinion, anyone who is invested in a relationship with God will naturally care about becoming a better person and will inspire those around them. 

the waiting room

A couple days ago, I sat in the waiting room of a breast care center.  There was a man sitting near me, holding an extra coat and a purse.  Soon, he was called back to the patient care area, being told that "she" was almost done.  When he returned to the waiting area, he appeared distressed.  He held his head in his hands, gathering his composure.  I wanted so badly to say something to him, but also did not wish to intrude on his personal business. 

In the midst of the empathy I was feeling, I began to feel fear and self-pity.  I was imagining myself in her shoes.  Except in my scenario, there is no life partner waiting in the waiting room.  I found myself really feeling a sense of....not panic, but sadness and anxiety. 

I've felt this way often in my life as a single parent.  I've fast forwarded to old age or difficult health issues, empty nest, etc., and I've pictured the very real possibility of being alone.  It makes my heart very heavy and sad.  I am blessed to have extremely supportive parents, children, and friends.  Still, just as the presence of a child cannot replace the absence of a parent, family and friends do not replace the presence of a partner - that person you turn to daily with your celebrations and challenges, that person you dream with, that person you build your life with....

It occurred to me, though, that all of us risk facing such valleys alone.  None of us has a guarantee.  Even if you have a partner, one never knows when they might pass away or walk out of your life.  I try more and more to view God as my life partner in some ways.  There is no doubt that He will be there for me daily, through every high and low and ordinary moment along the way.  He will be there when I draw my final breath. I would be lying if I said that erases my feelings of loneliness and fear.  It doesn't.  But it gives me pause for thought and it suggests where my energy is best spent.  He has already sent His son to die for me and my sins.  He's pretty committed to loving me and supporting me and being there for me in every way possible.  And no matter who else might be there, He will be in the waiting room too.