faith and trust

Faith and Trust - the two are not the same, and while I appreciate Webster's definitions, I'm trying to hammer it all out for myself.  Forgive me as I cram a potential 20 page journal into a blog.  :)

As a Type A personality, I like to have as much control as possible over my life and my surroundings, leaving very little to chance.  I love to drive, both literally and figuratively.  When I get on the back of a motorcycle, why is it such a rush?  I have zero control over my own safety or even the path that machine will take.  It has to do with faith and with trust.  Letting oneself go, placing your well-being in another's hands, even if only for a few moments, is such a "high" when you realize you're in good hands.

Why do I struggle so much with my religious faith and interpersonal trust?  I have faith in my God, no doubt.  It is the day-to-day that becomes a challenge - turning it over to someone else, making my best effort and really trusting that I'll be cared for and nourished and blessed, even if it comes in ways that aren't immediately recognizable as blessings.  I'm a worrier, and it's been said that to worry is to insult God.  I'm sorry about that God, and I'm working on it.  It's so hard for me. 

You see, I've been conditioned to believe that when you let go of the reins, most of the time you wind up getting kicked off the horse.  So many of the people I've put my trust in have hurt me in big and small ways.  I'm a flawed sinner, so of course what I brought to the table wasn't perfect either.  But I'm talking about malicious hurt.  I'm talking about evil too.  I've seen evil in faces that once held love, or something I believed was love...  I've been on the receiving ends of words that were intended for no other purpose than to degrade and insult and make me love myself less and question myself more.

Not everyone is deserving of trust.  In fact, I'd argue that there is no one who is 100% trustworthy, just as there is no one who is 100% untrustworthy.  We all have weaknesses in our character and in our actions.  We all can be led astray by various temptations, and I'm not just talking about infidelity here.  The temptation to lie, the temptation to use drugs, the temptation to steal, the temptation to be punitive...

Still, I've never been capable of giving up on human relationships.  I've sought out new friends and fallen in love even after suffering heartbreak.  Maybe that is faith?  Faith that someday someone will be deserving of the spirit gifts I have to offer, and that my risks will pay off?  It's not that I'll never be hurt again, but that I will experience a deep and genuine love from certain souls in my life who accept me and celebrate me for who I am, who don't wish to change me, and who wish to shield me as much as possible while supporting me through my valleys.  Not to mention the rush I feel when I realize that someone I love trusts me.  I think being trusted might be equally as powerful as being loved.  But what is love?  Ah, let's save that for another blog.....

An Eye for an Eye

After 20 years of dating, I find myself sitting back and reflecting on the subject of arguing.  I had a therapist once who said that disagreements were normal and healthy ways to relate to other human beings who had a differing opinion or perspective, whereas arguing stepped it up to a more personal level, and fighting was only about one thing: winning.  You only fight to win.   Not to sort out differences or reach a higher understanding or compromise.  You only fight to win, and thus you are willing to harm someone else in the process – be it physically or emotionally.  You are willing to take cheap shots of various forms, trying to hit the other person where it hurts.  At that point it has become a purely selfish mode of communication (if you can even call it that) and no longer a dialogue. 

I have been involved with several men who refined the art of arguing and, yes, fighting.    What they often didn’t know is that I am: a) very stubborn, b) very opinionated, and c) very articulate.  While I can get swept away on the waves of emotion and passion, I am very rational and logic when I participate in an argument, building my case as if I were a lawyer, and drawing in all kinds of supporting evidence.  What I found was that the fighters I dated weren’t interested in being rational or gaining a common ground.  They were interested in destroying me, in the form of hitting on my insecurities, throwing sucker punches at my ego, and bitch slapping my pride. 

I watched other couples I knew and noticed they didn’t ALL operate like that.  Sometimes I doubted myself, thinking that maybe if you wanted to have the good kind of passion you had to have the bad kind too.  Always I would think of my parents, happily married for 42 years, never once fighting or arguing in front of me.  I would ask myself if my Dad would ever say or do that to my Mom and it was a moot question.  Of course he wouldn’t.  Having that example as my foundation made me refuse to settle for less than the same for myself, even if it meant spending a lot of years single. 

Now I am learning that there are men out there with backbones, with opinions and so forth, but who are also able to care about me as a human being.  Sure, we have had our little scuffles and even periods of silence where someone had to walk away.  But I’m learning that there are some people who care enough to walk away instead of engaging in battle or worse yet – trying to simply win.   There are men who are willing to say “I’m sorry” and who want more than anything not to be the cause of any pain in my eyes.  This is a new concept to me, believe it or not.  Not every man or boy I’ve dated has been a nasty fighter, but there is a recency effect that leaves me wary of the strong-willed man. 

As a single mother, I’m completely committed to creating an environment for my children that sets the same foundation upon which I was raised.  I know that it is possible, and I will not settle for less – for myself, or for them…

"I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean"

This lyric from "I Hope You Dance" (Lee Ann Womack)  has always struck me as a powerful image.  I'm leaving for The Bahamas in two days and eagerly anticipating that first moment where I see and hear the ocean in all its glory.  To be next to something so beautiful, so majestic and powerful, is always humbling and inspiring.

I already know I've got lots of stuff to throw in that ocean while I'm there.  No, I'm not talking about littering.  I'm talking about spending a lot of time contemplating, reflecting, renewing, rethinking... I have a friend who, when he is frustrated or stressed about something, will say, "put it in a bubble and blow it away."  I plan on blowing a lot of proverbial bubbles while I am there.  I've been learning a lot about life and love and family and what matters, what doesn't, etc.  Hoping to leave some things out there so far away from the sanctuary of my home.  Hoping to let go of some fears, nagging concerns, worries, stresses, frustrations, and doubts.  Hoping to feel small for just a moment and to be comfortable with that and find solace in it.