the strong one feels weak

what happens when the person everyone expects to be strong all the time feels weak?  the person who everyone expects to always be reliable doesn't feel like trying.  you work hard, take your responsibilities seriously, sacrifice self rewards in order to give to others, and somehow what you get in return is more responsibility, more burdens, and more stress.  sometimes you feel as if you give and give to others and then when you have that rare "off" day, no one knows what to do, or maybe they don't have the energy to return the support you've given without fail.  sometimes the strong person needs a hand to hold.  sometimes the stoic can't stop the tears from falling.  sometimes the brave girl feels scard and alone.

and then the over ambitious person feels guilt for not being the superhero they usually are.  for having a brief stint with discouragement and uncertainty and anxiety. 

life is not fair, and that's a given.  you deal with it.  you get past it.  but somedays it can just feel so horribly overwhelming.  you think about all the times that people have said "I don't know how you do it" and you realize that you yourself have no idea how you do it or how much longer you can do it.  and you don't even have the privilege or option to check out, to run away, to bury your head in the sand.  because people are counting on you and you take that seriously.  it's not an option to turn your back on the ones you love, the ones who depend on you.  not for me.  but I see people do it all the time and it makes me feel more and more like an island.

what if today is the day i disappoint everyone by not being at the top of my game?  am i allowed to have a net there to catch me?  am i allowed to rely on someone else to draw strength from?  how do you recharge when you feel completely spent, dried up, and beat down?  time.  you wait for your soul to stir and for your good old reliable "go get 'em" attitude to resurface and replenish yourself.  and so we wait....

False Advertising

I don't believe in wearing heavily padded bras for the same reason I don't believe in lying or cheating.  It's false advertising.  If you are hiding behind some sort of mask, how good can you feel about the adoration and acceptance you get from others?

Lying is a mask people use to lead others to erroneously believe they are better people than they are.  Somehow it is easier to deceive someone than to let them see the real you and maybe just choose to love you anyways, or maybe even offer some advice you're not in the mood to hear.

Drugs can be a mask that people hide behind because they think their chemically enhanced self is better than the person they are otherwise.

Religion can even be a mask as people quote all kinds of scripture and denounce others' behaviors, all in an effort to hide the spotlight from their own sins, struggles, and questioning.

Anger....sometimes it is easier to be a tornado and silence others through intimidation than to hear the difficult things they have to say and come to terms with the truth of it.

Relationships can be masks too.  Pretending to be a wonderful partner is so much crummier than admitting problems and hurdles and working through them together.

At the end of the day, the love you so desperately want to hold on to has to be born of honesty and openness.  How good can you feel about someone looking up to you or liking you or even loving you, if you know it isn't based on a true representation of self?  If someone loves who you are pretending to be, they don't really love you, do they?  Sooner or later that house of cards will tumble to the ground and at that point you won't stand a chance of regaining trust.  You will have betrayed someone, made a fool of them, essentially tricked them into loving you.  There have been so many times I've discovered a "mask" and waited for that person to reveal it to me in their own time.  Some have, and I've felt relief and a real chance at deepening the relationship.  Others have chosen to continue hiding and in every case......EVERY case....it triggers the beginning of the end of trust.

We only know what others reveal of themselves...however, God loves us all despite our sins and shortcomings.  I can't hide anything from God or fool him into believing I'm more pure or holy than I am.  So what human being holds enough power that I'm willing to hide behind a mask or misrepresent myself in order to gain their approval and love, even if earned duplicitously?

Bitter, Party of One

Like most humans, there have been countless times in my life when things have - to say the least - not gone my way.  I've been in thankless jobs and thankless relationships.  I've had money that was owed to me withheld.  I've busted my ass and not seen the fruits of my labor.  I've invested time and emotional energy into friendships and romances where the other party has burned me in one way or another.  I've experienced life-changing tragedy. 

Feeling depressed, frustrated, hopeless, and even worthless are common reactions to these types of life experiences.  But sometimes I've gone beyond those states of mind and entered the realm of bitterness.  True bitterness - like "mad at the world", "don't look at me funny or I'll knock you out" bitterness...periods of time when I was convinced the world was against me, that I was a helpless victim of misfortune, and that no matter how hard I tried or how many times I did the right thing, things just kept going wrong.

Being bitter takes a lot of energy and effort.  I am constantly blowing everyone's "sunshine up your ass" advice and theories into oblivion.  I come up with a worst case explanation rather than being positive or giving someone the benefit of the doubt.  I assume the worst of everyone.  It's like planning an elaborate event: dotting every "I" and crossing every "T" just to make sure that the guest of honor at the pity party is portrayed as the ultimate victim and martyr.

In my experience, bitter is a shield put on to protect myself from further pain and suffering, but it only succeeds to disable me further and alienate me from the positive forces around me.  When I subscribe to bitterness, I essentially grant power to all the people, actions, words, and circumstances around me, rendering myself powerless, as if I am just a paralyzed pawn in the big game of life.  I rob myself of intent and purpose.  I excuse myself from playing an active role in my life, shrugging my shoulders and rolling my eyes as I float along on the sea of misfortune.

For awhile, bitterness can bring extra attention and coddling from those who love me.  I like the way that feels.  But eventually, even the best support network grows weary of participating in dead-end conversations that always circle back to my stubborn assertions that revolve around the idea that things are hopeless and it's "just not fair" and so forth.  When I refuse to be cheered up and shun the choice to be positive, I suck energy out of those that are trying desperately to be supportive of me.  As people drift apart, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy where I can point to their abandonment of me as just another example of the cruelty of the human spirit, the worthlessness of people, and the instability of relationships.

There is a lot of truth to the saying "you catch more flies with honey than vinegar."  Am I suggesting that we all be Mary Sunshine all the time and never get down and succumb to negativity?  Of course not.  We are human.  I'm just suggesting that the longer we hang out in the Land of Bitter, the more likely we are to be a party of one.

love is

Love is....hearing the rhythmic breathing of another human being and rejoicing in their moment of peace and rest, even when you are spending yet another night unable to sleep.

Love is....sharing when you have very little left to share.

Love is...getting up and making yet another meal and cleaning up, even when you don't feel like eating or being sociable, because "checking out" from your kids is not an option.

Love is...staying up late to put that forgotten load of laundry through another cycle so you can get yet another load done so your daughter can have her basketball jersey come morning.

Love is...giving your son the last cookie even though you bought it and you want it too, dammit!

Love is....calling MeMa just to let her know you love her and miss her.

Love is...letting someone else enjoy their show when you'd rather change the channel.

Love is...letting someone find the right time to tell you something you already know.

Love is...busting your tail everyday, no matter what, for the people that depend on you.

Love is....playing Pictionary with the kids when you'd rather read a book.

Love is...choosing not to add to someone else's burden.

Love is...what I do.

acting out

I remember when my kids were toddlers and preschoolers that the pediatrician told me they would act out for no apparent reason because they simply wanted attention. Even if it was negative attention, it meant that Mommy was focusing completely on them in that moment, and deep down that was all they wanted - to know that Mommy had boundaries and structure, and to know that I loved them enough to adjust and temper their words and actions into what I believed was acceptable human behavior.

I'm thinking that adults pretty much do the same thing.  For me, my acting out period was in the months and year or so following my divorce.  My definition of who I was and where I was going had been obliterated, leaving only jagged reminders of who I was and where I might be going.  So I acted out.  My perception was that almost all of my existing friends didn't know quite what to do with me or how to fit me neatly into their categories.  I wasn't one of the married folks anymore....after all, I was dating!  But I wasn't one of the single folks either....I had kids!  Two!  I felt their unease and drifted away, towards some new people who accepted my hyphenated existence and were willing to spend time with me, when what I so desperately needed was human contact and conversation, to feel I was not alone.

I won't say I went completely wild or anything, but I did choose to fill my time and company with things that hadn't had much of a place in  my life before.  The simple fact was, I was just like that toddler who wants Mommy's attention, even if it meant I had to get reprimanded or scolded or judged....just to know someone out there loved me - that was all I was looking for. 

This pattern plays out over and over again in other adults I know who go through moments in their lives where their identity is challenged or their sense of home is shaken.  They are drawn to those who will not challenge their behaviors (even though that's what they desperately need), and who will give them the attention they so badly crave.

Ideally, we all come out of our "acting out" phases, returning to ourselves, having learned a little more about who we are and who we aren't and who we want to be.  It's like deep down we all just need a little time out, to be put in a quiet place alone where we can reflect on what we've done.  But as for those time outs being one minute per age of life?  I don't know about all that......  :)

Two Thousand Ten

It's only natural at the end of the year to look back on everything that happened within the confines of the calendar year, reflect on our personal growth, and focus on the future.  In so many ways, one can view it as "just another year", completing another cycle of the seasons, reporting to work each day, maintaining friendships, family ties, etc.  But in so many other ways, for me at least, it can seem like a lifetime ago that 2010 began.

I have the same job I had a year ago, but the scope of my responsibilities has changed tremendously and my group of coworkers is not in tact as it was twelve months ago.  Some have moved on, and other new folks have joined our team - all of these changes irrevocably changing the dynamics of the workplace in both good and bad ways.

There are people I thought I knew a year ago who are no longer in my life.  There are people in my life whose existence was unknown to me twelve months ago.  And there are people alongside me who have changed tremendously, either voluntarily or involuntarily.

I was in a different romantic relationship at the start of 2010 than I am now.  I experienced disillusionment and emotional abuse, made choices to remove my life and my kids' lives from the wake of a human volcano whose eruptions were often unpredictable and destructive.  Now I am engaged to a man I hardly knew in high school, but who entered my life at a time where I was open to taking a small chance that turned into a huge investment and ultimately the best payoff I ever could have imagined.  We are engaged and getting married in 2011. 

I traveled to many places - three times to Virginia alone!  Once to seek solace and refuge in the arms of my family at a moment when I was feeling lost, wounded, and searching.  Once to celebrate the marriage of a beloved cousin who finally found her soulmate (and unknowingly spend time with my uncle for the last time).  And finally to memorialize my uncle who died unexpectedly.  I visited Baltimore for the first time and met some really neat people who made so many things in my life become crystal clear...  My work team enjoyed an incentive reward trip to Orlando where we shared fellowship, bonding, and the stress of making itinerary decisions as a large group.  :)  My college roommate and I enjoyed a trip to a free time share in the Bahamas where we did nothing but relax and rejuvenate and soak up the sun.  Finally, I went to Dallas for some work training.

We acquired a new pet - a turtle named Mrs. Relaxo!  I debated and designed a new tattoo but have not yet felt ready to commit to having it inked on me. 

I left a church where I felt inspired, my talents were being channeled to praise God, and my children were thriving.  The reasons for my departure were personal and tormented, but I took some time off and found another church that is very promising in terms of its breadth and depth and opportunities for reflection, growth, and servitude. 

As I stand at the threshold of 2011, I'm reminded of my visit to the Jamaican palm reader in 2008.  She told me with no uncertainty a number of things that were dead on and that not many people know.  She told me I was with the wrong man and to "keep flirting", and she told me that 2011 was going to be "my year".  She said it could be any number of big events - a career change, a move, a baby, or a marriage....but that something life changing would happen.  And here I sit and grin as I think of the promise and potential ahead of me.  All of us are richly blessed.  I'm just grateful I am in a moment where I recognize my abundant privilege and opportunities, and am willing to embrace the positive and stifle the negative.  Welcome two thousand eleven.  Are you ready for me?

the last single mother Christmas

Recently my boyfriend asked me to marry him and so I am acquainting myself with the idea of being engaged and eventually married.  It is an interesting place from which to stand at Christmastime.  You see, I have been a single mother to 2 kids for 6 years now.  Christmas has not been easy.  It isn't easy to find the energy to drag out all the decorations, address all the cards, buy all the gifts and wrap them, do all of the baking, and never once be able to approach any of these tasks by yourself without first arranging for a sitter.  There's no running out at 9 p.m. to get that ingredient you forgot for the Christmas cookies. There's no quick dash to Target for that one gift you haven't picked up yet - not without loading two kids in the car and taking them with you (not an option when needing those items at 10 p.m.!).  And when you are buying for them, that becomes a bit difficult to do in their presence, at least once they are past the age of 1.  Not to mention, it's the time of year you feel most nostalgic, most raw and exposed, and you have the emptiness that comes from not having a companion, which can  constantly remind you that much of the rest of the world is happily humming along and sipping steamy drinks all with a smile on their lips.  At least it can feel that way when you are alone.

It's been suggested to me that I ought to be happy just being a mother to my two kids.  Why do I "insist" on having romance in my life too?  My response to that is that we were all created to crave human companionship, intellectual stimulation, emotional validation, and yes human intimacy.  Otherwise, why not just make one human and let him or her enjoy this little planet?  Although I consider myself a strong and independent woman, I do admit that the most difficult part of the last 6 years has been not having that consistent "go to" person at my side, whether I needed an actual favor like brown sugar from the store or simply needed to know that I wasn't alone in this world.

I won't lie.  I'm thrilled at the prospect of knowing that every Christmas from here on out will be spent with my love by my side, in addition to the long list of other blessings in my life.  I am proud of myself for what I've done on my own.  I've managed to keep this house even in times where my income was less than anticipated.  I've raised two kids from the ages of <1 to 7 and 3 to 9.  My first night alone, I set the alarm for 5 a.m. so that I could change the baby's diaper, feed him his bottle, change both of their clothes for them, make breakfast, feed him and referee her eating, and get them to their day care and myself to work by 8.  It's comforting to know that I'll have a partner now.  Someone to help me care for the kids.  Someone to bear part of the load when it comes to laundry, cooking, cleaning, mowing, etc.  Someone to talk to after a tough day.  Someone to watch the kids if Mommy wants to lay down for a bit.  Someone to discuss big decisions with.  Someone to pray with.  Someone to watch silly TV with.  Someone to love.  Someone to love me.

If that makes me selfish, that's okay.  I've been called worse.