acting out

I remember when my kids were toddlers and preschoolers that the pediatrician told me they would act out for no apparent reason because they simply wanted attention. Even if it was negative attention, it meant that Mommy was focusing completely on them in that moment, and deep down that was all they wanted - to know that Mommy had boundaries and structure, and to know that I loved them enough to adjust and temper their words and actions into what I believed was acceptable human behavior.

I'm thinking that adults pretty much do the same thing.  For me, my acting out period was in the months and year or so following my divorce.  My definition of who I was and where I was going had been obliterated, leaving only jagged reminders of who I was and where I might be going.  So I acted out.  My perception was that almost all of my existing friends didn't know quite what to do with me or how to fit me neatly into their categories.  I wasn't one of the married folks anymore....after all, I was dating!  But I wasn't one of the single folks either....I had kids!  Two!  I felt their unease and drifted away, towards some new people who accepted my hyphenated existence and were willing to spend time with me, when what I so desperately needed was human contact and conversation, to feel I was not alone.

I won't say I went completely wild or anything, but I did choose to fill my time and company with things that hadn't had much of a place in  my life before.  The simple fact was, I was just like that toddler who wants Mommy's attention, even if it meant I had to get reprimanded or scolded or judged....just to know someone out there loved me - that was all I was looking for. 

This pattern plays out over and over again in other adults I know who go through moments in their lives where their identity is challenged or their sense of home is shaken.  They are drawn to those who will not challenge their behaviors (even though that's what they desperately need), and who will give them the attention they so badly crave.

Ideally, we all come out of our "acting out" phases, returning to ourselves, having learned a little more about who we are and who we aren't and who we want to be.  It's like deep down we all just need a little time out, to be put in a quiet place alone where we can reflect on what we've done.  But as for those time outs being one minute per age of life?  I don't know about all that......  :)