what happens when the person everyone expects to be strong all the time feels weak? the person who everyone expects to always be reliable doesn't feel like trying. you work hard, take your responsibilities seriously, sacrifice self rewards in order to give to others, and somehow what you get in return is more responsibility, more burdens, and more stress. sometimes you feel as if you give and give to others and then when you have that rare "off" day, no one knows what to do, or maybe they don't have the energy to return the support you've given without fail. sometimes the strong person needs a hand to hold. sometimes the stoic can't stop the tears from falling. sometimes the brave girl feels scard and alone.
and then the over ambitious person feels guilt for not being the superhero they usually are. for having a brief stint with discouragement and uncertainty and anxiety.
life is not fair, and that's a given. you deal with it. you get past it. but somedays it can just feel so horribly overwhelming. you think about all the times that people have said "I don't know how you do it" and you realize that you yourself have no idea how you do it or how much longer you can do it. and you don't even have the privilege or option to check out, to run away, to bury your head in the sand. because people are counting on you and you take that seriously. it's not an option to turn your back on the ones you love, the ones who depend on you. not for me. but I see people do it all the time and it makes me feel more and more like an island.
what if today is the day i disappoint everyone by not being at the top of my game? am i allowed to have a net there to catch me? am i allowed to rely on someone else to draw strength from? how do you recharge when you feel completely spent, dried up, and beat down? time. you wait for your soul to stir and for your good old reliable "go get 'em" attitude to resurface and replenish yourself. and so we wait....
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