Recently my boyfriend asked me to marry him and so I am acquainting myself with the idea of being engaged and eventually married. It is an interesting place from which to stand at Christmastime. You see, I have been a single mother to 2 kids for 6 years now. Christmas has not been easy. It isn't easy to find the energy to drag out all the decorations, address all the cards, buy all the gifts and wrap them, do all of the baking, and never once be able to approach any of these tasks by yourself without first arranging for a sitter. There's no running out at 9 p.m. to get that ingredient you forgot for the Christmas cookies. There's no quick dash to Target for that one gift you haven't picked up yet - not without loading two kids in the car and taking them with you (not an option when needing those items at 10 p.m.!). And when you are buying for them, that becomes a bit difficult to do in their presence, at least once they are past the age of 1. Not to mention, it's the time of year you feel most nostalgic, most raw and exposed, and you have the emptiness that comes from not having a companion, which can constantly remind you that much of the rest of the world is happily humming along and sipping steamy drinks all with a smile on their lips. At least it can feel that way when you are alone.
It's been suggested to me that I ought to be happy just being a mother to my two kids. Why do I "insist" on having romance in my life too? My response to that is that we were all created to crave human companionship, intellectual stimulation, emotional validation, and yes human intimacy. Otherwise, why not just make one human and let him or her enjoy this little planet? Although I consider myself a strong and independent woman, I do admit that the most difficult part of the last 6 years has been not having that consistent "go to" person at my side, whether I needed an actual favor like brown sugar from the store or simply needed to know that I wasn't alone in this world.
I won't lie. I'm thrilled at the prospect of knowing that every Christmas from here on out will be spent with my love by my side, in addition to the long list of other blessings in my life. I am proud of myself for what I've done on my own. I've managed to keep this house even in times where my income was less than anticipated. I've raised two kids from the ages of <1 to 7 and 3 to 9. My first night alone, I set the alarm for 5 a.m. so that I could change the baby's diaper, feed him his bottle, change both of their clothes for them, make breakfast, feed him and referee her eating, and get them to their day care and myself to work by 8. It's comforting to know that I'll have a partner now. Someone to help me care for the kids. Someone to bear part of the load when it comes to laundry, cooking, cleaning, mowing, etc. Someone to talk to after a tough day. Someone to watch the kids if Mommy wants to lay down for a bit. Someone to discuss big decisions with. Someone to pray with. Someone to watch silly TV with. Someone to love. Someone to love me.
If that makes me selfish, that's okay. I've been called worse.
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