Let me get out in front of this blog entry by identifying myself as a heterosexual woman and feminist. It influences my experiences, my mindset, and the topics I’m about to discuss, so I’m just putting it out there.
While meeting with my writing group at church last weekend, we discussed the topic of “what men want” in the context of our recent sermon series entitled “Great Sexpectations.” Our pastor shared his belief that the two key things men want in marriage are sex and respect.
I found myself a little surprised that respect was right up there on the list with sex. I guess I have some predetermined beliefs that include the idea that, generally speaking, most men tend to be quite confident, self-assured, and secure…..more so, I dare say, than most women. We could get into why that is, but I think my brief synopsis is that women, in Western culture at least, are socialized to think they could always be prettier, thinner, sexier, better moms, and so forth. Men aren’t exposed to the same amount of pressure. A quick glance at a sampling of advertisements will illustrate this, in my opinion. Also, the traits of confidence, self-assurance, and security are tightly aligned with Western ideals of masculinity. For these reasons, I assumed men would not need respect to such a degree that it might be considered one of the top two things they want in marriage.
Of course it goes without saying that no man (or person) wants to be nagged, condescended to, or belittled. I get that. But I don’t often hear men express that they want or need respect, while they are more vocal about wanting/needing sex. I suspect this is because it feels a bit vulnerable to admit that respect is important. No man wants to be accused of being needy. Being needy is more expected of women somehow. In fact, while stereotypically feminine traits are valued in men, they are also the go-to traits people use if they really want to insult a man (“He was crying like a little bitch,” “You’re such a fag,” etc.).
One man in the group went on to say that he feels men, as a group, are weaker than they’ve ever been. We discussed why this may or may not be true. We also discussed the fact that women, as a group are stronger and more independent than they’ve ever been before, and that, perhaps some men are either voluntarily or involuntarily taking a proverbial back seat to such women nowadays.
I’ve come to believe that two key things are required in a relationship. Everything else is pre-empted by the existence of these two things. And for me, those two things are love and respect. Deal-breakers like infidelity, lying, and abuse (physical or emotional) really cannot occur in the presence of love and respect. Of course, love and respect may ebb and flow at times, and we do not always show them in proportion to how we feel them. When we are low on giving love or respect, we are more inclined to tend toward undesirable behaviors. And while I feel that I am good at loving, I have to ask myself if I am as good at showing respect as I’d like to think I am…especially toward men. Because of some of my assumptions about men’s reservoirs of self-confidence, security, and self-assuredness, I wonder if I haven’t always communicated my respect adequately. Not that I'm trying to pull a Tammy Wynette up in here, I'm just being honest as I continue to make my way through this life.
There is no respect for others without humility in one's self.
Henri Frederic Amiel
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