When You Gonna Love You...?

"When you gonna make up your mind?
When you gonna love you as much as I do?"

~"Winter" by Tori Amos

 

 

I see you flailing around with no direction, just like a struggling swimmer in deep water, treading until you are gasping for breath.  I wonder when you will grow weary of this dance, this game in which you are integrally involved.  It sucks all the energy, strength, and life from you, but you continue to feed from it, hoping for satiation eventually. 

 

Instead, it is draining you, slowly but surely.  It is sucking away the essence of who you are, with little need to convince or persuade you.  You are a willing participant.  You are enjoying the ride....to an extent. 

 

But I know that when night comes, you lie there and wonder how on earth it got this far.  You wonder how much everyone has noticed the slippage, as you smugly reflect upon how skillfully you have pulled the wool over their eyes. 

 

Each day, a part of you briefly considers ending the madness, but each day you muster up the strength to give it a go one more time.  You miss things like peace, a clear conscience, and a sense of stability....but not enough to reunite with them.  And so you flail, spreading your arms in the snow, which at once is beautiful, but slowly freezing you and icing you over to where you are numb and can no longer feel the drop in temperature.  And I wait.