How I Wish...

Forgive me, because I've not had much sleep and my thoughts are like a tornado, but they're what woke me up and I need to get them out of me.

My friend killed himself yesterday.  Even typing those words I can't believe it's true.  Keep waiting for him to pop back on FB and say "suckers!"  Not gonna happen.

I scroll back through his page and see days and weeks of pain and heartache, of sad songs and heart-wrenching comments.  I see comments from people saying they wished they'd known how bad it was or that they wished they could have helped more.  My friend and his fiancee had split up.  He was broken-hearted.  I'm coming from the perspective of a person who also split up with their fiancee recently, and who is also broken-hearted. 

At some point, someone told me that a FB "friend" had hidden my posts because she was sick of reading all my whining and crying.  I wear my heart on my sleeve, and I have experienced a lot of pain.  For me, it needs to go somewhere.  Hence this blog.  It's like putting a letter in a bottle and hoping someday someone will find it and just read it.  Just....read it.  Not expecting anyone to solve my problems or say the perfect thing, but just to listen.  Otherwise I would keep these entries saved to my PC and not put them out into the world where I can see people from Russia and Singapore reading them.  But I admit, sometimes it makes me angry to see that 50 people have read a blog post and 1 or 2 have commented on it, especially when that blog is filled with words that relay how lost and hurt I am.  It's like drowning in the ocean, screaming for a life jacket, and all these people just stand on the shore and silently watch you flailing.  The gal who hid my posts is symbolic to me of a serious problem: not wanting to be bothered by another person's pain.  What the hell does that mean?

My friend had no shortage of comments and support on his page, and people trying to reach out and offer their help.  I'm not scolding his friends, I believe we all did what we could and he had a different answer in his mind...another solution to end the crippling pain he was feeling.  My page is similar - an overwhelming documentation of the love and support I have from so many.  Am I trying to say my friends haven't done enough?  No, no way.  I'm saying there are people out there who are so wrapped up in their own busy-ness, their own drama, or their own content lives, that they can't be bothered to really hear or meaningfully respond to the words of another soul who is suffering.  Maybe they don't want to believe it could ever be them.  Maybe they don't know what to say.  How about saying SOMETHING?  Anything.

I see looks of discomfort in certain people when I try to talk to them about the pain I'm feeling over issues relating to my divorce, or issues relating to being a single mom, or issues relating to the wedding I planned this year that never happened.  I'm not talking to people in hopes they will solve my problems or give me brilliant advice.  I'm talking so they will listen.  Are we listening?  Or are we rolling our eyes: "here s/he goes again" and silently wishing the broken person would keep it to themselves?

My friend lost his go-to person.  I lost mine.  People who don't get it...don't get it.  I get it, old friend.  I told you so many times that I got it and could relate, and I tried my damnedest to offer you positive thoughts and encouragement. 

This is what he posted yesterday:

"Prayers please. i have had it tough before. but never like this"

"Still awake ! cannot clear my mind !"

"Crushed. numb"

And then, from what I've been told, very shortly before he ended his life:

"I loved her with all my heart"

"I could never find another"

My last three words to you yesterday were "Decide to persevere."  In response to his Crushed. numb post I wrote:

"take care, friend. You are loved. I know crushed and numb all too well. Decide to persevere."

I'm so sad.  You will be horribly and irretrievably missed.  I'm praying for your boys, your ex-fiancee, your ex-wife, your family, friends, coworkers, and everyone who was blessed enough to see your dazzling smile, laugh at your wit, and have the pleasure of knowing you.  How I wish that you'd had hope.  How I wish that you'd been able to make it through one more day, and then another, and then another, until you found yourself in a more peaceful place.  How I wish you'd been able to embrace the gift of life and find another way to work through the crushing pain of the heart being left lonely, confused, empty, angry, grieving, and numb.  How I wish my words could have helped.  You cried out to God for help this week, and oh how I wish you'd felt his presence, his promise, and his love for you. 

This song is for you.  Probably the saddest song I've ever heard, and I know you loved it:

George Jones' "He Stopped Loving Her Today"