Regret & Remorse

Regret: a sense of loss, disappointment, dissatisfaction, etc.

Remorse: deep and painful regret for wrongdoing; compunction.
             Compunction: a feeling of uneasiness or anxiety of the conscience caused by regret for doing wrong or causing pain; contrition; remorse.


Do you see the distinction in the two definititions above? 

Regret is pretty basic, pretty easy.  You wish you hadn't done that.  Maybe you even regret the consequence of your action and that's what prompts you to feel regret.  The thing you lost makes you feel regret, whereas maybe you don't think your actions were all that bad in the first place, but you realize if you hadn't done them you might not have lost something valuable.  Therefore you regret your action.  For example, I regret spilling that drink.  Why?  Because the tablecloth it spilled on was white.  If the tablecloth had been black, I wouldn't regret spilling.  I regret that I ruined something. 

Remorse has a lot more to do with empathy.  Remorse implies that you feel badly for causing another person pain.  Maybe you used careless words that you had no idea were offensive and hurtful.  You feel like a heel when you realize you hurt someone.  Maybe you acted selfishly or vengefully and though it felt good at the time (and felt justified), you now see the damage you caused.  We're talking about the difference between being sorry you got caught versus being sorry you did it.  

Regret wants (and frankly, expects) a quick fix, a band-aid solution.  It seeks to regain what it lost.  It's willing to make all sorts of claims and promises to restore things.  But there is no fundamental change on the part of the wrongdoer.  There is no true understanding of the pain they've caused another person.  And frankly, there's no desire to. 

If you've ever felt remorse, you can recognize it in another person.  When it looks like someone is half-assed apologizing, it's because they are.  When the wrongdoer's efforts at restitution are slow or shallow or only happen when it's ultra convenient for them, it reveals their superficial regret.  Sure they feel bad, but they're not willing to be inconvenienced, or to sacrifice anything to make things right.  When someone feels true remorse for hurting you, they will move heaven and earth to make it better for you.  Period.