Please Hold

There are so many things I long to do with my life, so many dreams I can’t shake from my soul.  But those dreams will have to wait because two other dreams that came true are taking all of my resources, both tangible and intangible.  Sometimes it’s hard to wait.  When I gave life to these two dreams, I was under the impression I’d have a life partner I could lean on while pursuing other dreams.  It didn’t work out that way, so I’m feeling like I’m at a bit of a crossroads.  I've been a single mother for six years, and my kids are about halfway to adulthood, so my work is far from done.  But I ache.  I want.  I desire.  Maybe if I just give voice to my dreams and dream them publicly, it may lend me some comfort, some hope?

I want to be a midwife.  I want to go back to school and get a nursing degree and then a master’s degree in midwifery.  I want to catch babies.  I want to advocate for women and make their birthing dreams come true, so that they are in the best care possible, exerting their reproductive rights, and taking pure memories with them for the rest of their lives when they look back on the momentous day that they gave birth.  Depending on where I am living, I'd like to attend home births and help to push legislation through to protect this choice for women in healthy, low-risk pregnancies.

I want to learn karate or taekwondo.  I want to possess the skills required to defend myself, and hope that I never have to use them.  I want to learn more discipline and self control, and strengthen the connection between my mind and body. 

I want to volunteer for a domestic violence shelter – really get in the trenches and make a difference in lives that need compassion…

I want to take violin lessons, using my knowledge of reading music and playing the piano to learn to make beautiful sounds that make my eyes float up in my head, make my shoulders relax, my back arch, and my body to breathe deeply.

I want to see Montana and go to the Grand Tetons and let it all take my breath away.  I want to see Paris.  I want to go back to Jamaica.

I want to go skydiving.  I want to ride in a hot air balloon!

No one is going to pay the mortgage, day care, health insurance, utilities, babysitter, etc., while I invest in school or lessons or travel though, and no one is here to care for them while I pursue education or give time to organizations or explore the world or jump out of planes.  I can’t leave in the middle of the night to be there for a laboring woman – I have to be here with my own miracles.  I’m really not intending to complain.  Sometimes I just feel that my growth is somewhat stunted.  I’m so busy growing these two souls, there isn’t much time or energy or money to invest in myself and the growth that I constantly crave.  It's like I'm trying to place a call to God to ask for the things I want, and an operator answers and simply says, "Please hold."

Living in the Gray

I’ve never been one who is comfortable in the gray areas of life.  I like things to be black and white, well-defined, with boundaries and labels attached.  While I’m capable of being spontaneous, I’m mostly a person who plans and prepares as much as possible.  Wikipedia states that: “Two colors are called complementary colors if grey is produced when they are combined (in the light spectrum, but as in art it produces brown with paints usually). Grey is its own complement. Consequently, grey remains grey when its color spectrum is inverted, and so has no opposite, or alternately is its own opposite.”  Its own complement?  Has no opposite?  Then how is it defined?  I’m one who likes to define things by their opposite.  But opposites involve extremes, and when we are dealing with gray, we are dealing with neutrality and being squarely in the middle.

Sometimes in life, we go through periods where we cannot find answers nor reasons.  Or even in the presence of answer and reason, we remain in a conundrum.   That’s where I reside right now.  It’s uncomfortable and restless and maddening, but I’ve got to find a way to get comfortable here, until I drift closer to one end of the spectrum or the other.  I’m hanging out with myself and letting the thoughts, questions, and feelings come.  I refuse to force myself to make decisions when my head, heart, and gut are not in synergy with one another.  And so I idle.  Not exactly laying any roots down, but sort of wandering about aimlessly, taking comfort where I can, celebrating baby steps forward and tolerating backward slips and slides. 

I am.  I feel.  And I don’t have to finish those sentences.  They’re complete as is, even if not optimal for a black and white labeler and planner like me. 

For All Intents and Purposes

I've never claimed to have fond memories of high school.  There were some good times with certain people, and I always loved school, but you couldn't repay me to go back.  And middle school was even worse.  It was a period of time where you were developing friendships, practicing the art of relationships, and figuring out what your beliefs and principles were, under the influence of so many opposing forces and voices.  People made fun of me because I was smart (i.e., a "nerd").  They made fun of my skinny body, and my wild curly hair.  I will never forget having a good looking guy approach me, grinning, and saying, "Angie you look so pretty today!" and when I beamed with excitement, he laughed and said "NOT!"

There were people who would come to you with information they thought you should have, but after they'd delivered it, you'd find yourself unable to corroborate it.  Or you'd realize they had an ulterior motive for the exchange of information.  There were people you thought were one thing, and then when you found yourself in a different moment of reality - good or bad - they turned out to be another.  You would lean on people and then learn you shouldn't have, because they weren't going to be there for you when you really needed them.  There were people that were never there for you, and then suddenly were there for you in a heartbeat, posing as a friend.  But at the first opportunity they'd put the moves on you and you realized precisely what they thought you had to offer them.

It was a time of confusion, uncertainty, of inward examination and outward self-realization.  I can remember moments where I would enact a self-imposed isolation, doing nothing other than be cordial to others and go through the motions of my day.  Why?  Because I couldn't be sure who to trust, who to believe, who wanted to use me or take advantage of me, and who I could depend upon. 

I never wanted to go back, but today I realized I am back.  Sure, there are some definite figures in my life whose motives and intentions I don't question, but there are many others whose intentions are questionable at best.  I know who I am.  I know my personal truth.  It can be spun any way anyone chooses to spin it.  The people who matter will take the time to confront me if they have questions.  The rest will take others' words at face value and run with it, repeat it, even distort it.  And quite likely, they won't have my best interests at heart.

People tell me all the time what a strong woman I am.  I am.  Even though I have very weak, dark moments.  There are times I need to lean on others, to wilt, to check out...  There's one being I answer to, and I'm quite comfortable with where I stand with Him.  There are 2 opinions that really, truly matter - and those are the opinions of my children.  So if circumstances warrant that I return to the halls of my middle school or high school, then I've just made the decision to do home schooling.

my shoes

if you've never had your future snatched out of your hands and lost the person you loved 6 weeks before your wedding date, lost the children you already considered your stepchildren, had to comfort your own two confused and distraught children all while trying to keep it together and go to work and take care of yourself and run a household every day like it or not....you haven't walked even a step in my shoes.

it's cold.  it's empty and it's painful.  it's like a death has occurred, and you're still here with all the memories and the hopes and dreams you had for the future.  the one person you can count on to comfort you is the source of your pain, and while you are trying to make peace with it all and seek closure, you can't stop yourself from wanting to scream at them, from wanting to hit the rewind button and have your life back, because, frankly, you were quite happy with it.  you keep thinking this is a bad dream, but each day you wake up alone in bed and realize it's not a dream at all.  you have to make all sorts of embarrassing phone calls to cancel your special day, to try to get whatever scraps of money you can get in return and salvage at least part of the financial loss.  you call the jeweler each day to see if your wedding band is in, the one you put your grandmother's precious diamonds in, not because you're in a rush to get it, but because it is one more loose end you need to tie up and gain some control over.

you see the looks of pity, you see their eyes roaming to your left ring finger.  you see the looks of avoidance, of discomfort because they just don't know what to say to you and therefore they pretend everything is fine.  or they point out how much weight you've lost, how dark the circles are under your eyes, and you know it because you see it in the mirror each morning and barely recognize it.

you have all kinds of armchair quarterbacks telling you what to think, say, feel, do...and the worst thing is you can't even figure out what you feel because it changes by the hour and you're so vulnerable and impressionable you can easily be swayed from one side of the pendulum to the other.

you just want everything to be okay.  but it's not.  you want to feel peace and comfort, but everything is in turmoil and nothing makes sense and comfort is beyond your grasp right now.  you move on with life in an effort to be normal, in an effort to be distracted, but life isn't really moving on at all.  you've stalled out and can't get it back in gear.  so you idle.

ceaseless rain

my children are playing quietly upstairs, and i am sitting here alone, the rain coming down ceaselessly.  the dogs are staring at me as i cry, sensing something is wrong, staying close to me as if to comfort me.  the days go by, and i go through the motions, realizing that everyone is expecting me to fully participate in life, although life as i know it has changed forever and, frankly, i don't feel like pretending to care. 

my "go to" person is gone.  the person i had grown accustomed to sharing everything with, expressing my worries to, celebrating my triumphs with...is gone.  the person i could always count on to comfort me and hold me in moments like this is gone, and is also the source of my pain.  the future i planned for and believed in is gone.  my identity is in a state of flux, as i had identified myself as part of a team, part of a partnership dedicated to handling life together, dedicated to caring for one another and putting each other first.  now i find myself alone.  not completely alone, of course, as i am still a mother, daughter, employee, manager, sister, friend, neighbor....but yet i feel alone.

i have received the apology and the full admission of liability that i needed to receive.  but now i realize that, although it is helpful and good to hear, it changes nothing.  i'm still alone.  i'm still afraid.  i'm still confused and feeling so empty and numb.  it occurs to me that, about the time i should be on  my way to healing, my "wedding day" will arrive and interfere with the progress i should be making by then. 

i talk incessantly, to wonderful, wise people who have my best interests at heart, but i hear myself saying the same things over and over again, and of course no one can make it better or explain any of it, or erase it.  i don't expect them to.  but it gets to the point that you realize people are tired of hearing about it and they don't know what to say and so you feel yourself beginning to shut down and withdraw. 

i consider "band-aids" that don't make good sense, that aren't in my best interest.  i feel lost in a room with no windows or doors, constantly running into myself and all the painful reminders of what i've lost or maybe what i never had.  i move quietly past places where promises were made, embraces were held, life stories were shared, and dreams were born.  the silence is palpable.  the sadness is dense.  the rain is ceaseless.

The Common Denominator

Looking back at the romances of my life, there is one common denominator, and that’s me.  If you think that thought hasn’t occurred to me, you must not know how self-reflective I am, how much I beat myself up when things go wrong, and how much I second guess myself in the times I am debating major life decisions, such as ending a relationship.  I’ve asked myself what the chances are of someone having my kind of luck in love, and apparently some of you have too. 

The men I’ve loved are in many ways quite different from one another, as those who know me can attest.  But in some ways, there are some key things that attract me to a man - positive things (hopefully that goes without saying).  There are things I look for – how do they speak of their mother, how do they speak of their exes, how much accountability do they take for the events of their lives, and how do they treat others, generally speaking?  I look for men who are articulate and communicate well and often.  I look for men who can express their feelings, fears, and dreams.  I look for loving men who are able to express love in a variety of ways.  I look for men who believe in God and who try to model their lives after Him.  I look for men who are good fathers or have good fathering instincts.  And so on...  There are things I look for as early exit signs, such as a bad temper, extreme jealousy, an inferiority complex, a propensity toward violence, lying, financial irresponsibility, narrow worldviews, disrespectful references to women, certain addictions, an absence of faith, etc. 

Sometimes, as I’m getting to know someone, inconsistencies surface.  There are things that don’t add up, or as a wise friend once said, “the words don’t match the music.”  I request clarification on such things.  What happens when I’m not satisfied with the answer?  I can assume I know best and that the person is lying.  Or I can give them the benefit of the doubt and try not to be so untrusting just because others have lied.  Sometimes situations develop or information arises that I’m not happy about.  Generally, I weigh such things against the sum whole of the person and decide whether to make an issue of it or not.  In retrospect, I sometimes wish I’d made a bigger issue of it rather than sweeping it under the carpet or giving the person the benefit of the doubt.  So in other words, I think I tend to be too full of grace at times.  I look past things.  I forgive.  I isolate incidences from character, rather than letting one situation or flaw define a person.  I do this in an effort to be fair, Christian, and open-minded.  But I’m beginning to wonder if that’s not such a good idea.   

I have very high expectations of others, but only because I have very high expectations of myself as well.  I work hard to be who I am, and I am constantly striving to be a better person, realizing I will never be perfect.  I let myself and others down.  People let me down or disappoint me.  Many times I don’t even let someone know when they’ve disappointed me – if it’s not a big issue.  And if I do choose to let them know, I try to approach it in a loving, constructive way, rather than attacking them.  I’ve grown a lot in that area.  I used to be so concerned about getting steamrolled that I went a bit overboard in bringing someone down to size if they trespassed me in some way.  I feel strongly about my standards and principles and I won’t settle for being treated in a lesser way than I would treat someone.  I’ve asked close friends and family if I’m too high with my standards.  The resounding response is that, if anything, I give people too many chances and perhaps am too forgiving.  I hate to think it’s time to be more judgmental and critical and less understanding and compassionate.

Finally, I’ve been asked why I can’t “just be happy” being a mother to my children?  Why must I have a man in my life?  Well, first I’d ask you if you want the same for yourself before you judge me for wanting companionship.  Maybe you’re in a relationship and asking this question of me (or anyone), in which case I need to write a new blog to cover that topic.  Second, I’d ask if you’ve been a single parent to two children, having them in your custody the majority of the time for 6 years.  Third, I’d ask if you’d ever ask that of a man – that he just be happy being a father to his children?  To me that’s like asking someone to "just be happy" being married and not want something more, like kids.  We each want what we want, and we can’t change that.  I believe God created us to crave companionship and a human connection.  Friends, coworkers, and family certainly fill many of those needs, and I believe every person needs those types of relationships in their lives, as well as a healthy dose of self love and a relationship with God.  If you rely on your significant other to be your everything, you’re going to be disappointed and they’re going to fail you.  If it’s selfish of me to want a best friend I can share my life with, someone to give my love to, someone to raise my children with, dream with, to confide in, cry to, laugh with, and grow with…..then I am indeed selfish.  Add it to my list of flaws that have contributed to my failed relationships.

vacant.

Vacant.  Empty.  Formerly full, occupied.   Quiet.  Dark. 

Echoes of promises.  Flashbacks…or were they dreams?

Glazed over.  Numb.  Static.

This can’t be happening.  But it is. 

Lost.  Looking for answers, explanations… Hearing nothing but silence.

Feeling the things he said he would protect me from ever feeling again.