The Common Denominator

Looking back at the romances of my life, there is one common denominator, and that’s me.  If you think that thought hasn’t occurred to me, you must not know how self-reflective I am, how much I beat myself up when things go wrong, and how much I second guess myself in the times I am debating major life decisions, such as ending a relationship.  I’ve asked myself what the chances are of someone having my kind of luck in love, and apparently some of you have too. 

The men I’ve loved are in many ways quite different from one another, as those who know me can attest.  But in some ways, there are some key things that attract me to a man - positive things (hopefully that goes without saying).  There are things I look for – how do they speak of their mother, how do they speak of their exes, how much accountability do they take for the events of their lives, and how do they treat others, generally speaking?  I look for men who are articulate and communicate well and often.  I look for men who can express their feelings, fears, and dreams.  I look for loving men who are able to express love in a variety of ways.  I look for men who believe in God and who try to model their lives after Him.  I look for men who are good fathers or have good fathering instincts.  And so on...  There are things I look for as early exit signs, such as a bad temper, extreme jealousy, an inferiority complex, a propensity toward violence, lying, financial irresponsibility, narrow worldviews, disrespectful references to women, certain addictions, an absence of faith, etc. 

Sometimes, as I’m getting to know someone, inconsistencies surface.  There are things that don’t add up, or as a wise friend once said, “the words don’t match the music.”  I request clarification on such things.  What happens when I’m not satisfied with the answer?  I can assume I know best and that the person is lying.  Or I can give them the benefit of the doubt and try not to be so untrusting just because others have lied.  Sometimes situations develop or information arises that I’m not happy about.  Generally, I weigh such things against the sum whole of the person and decide whether to make an issue of it or not.  In retrospect, I sometimes wish I’d made a bigger issue of it rather than sweeping it under the carpet or giving the person the benefit of the doubt.  So in other words, I think I tend to be too full of grace at times.  I look past things.  I forgive.  I isolate incidences from character, rather than letting one situation or flaw define a person.  I do this in an effort to be fair, Christian, and open-minded.  But I’m beginning to wonder if that’s not such a good idea.   

I have very high expectations of others, but only because I have very high expectations of myself as well.  I work hard to be who I am, and I am constantly striving to be a better person, realizing I will never be perfect.  I let myself and others down.  People let me down or disappoint me.  Many times I don’t even let someone know when they’ve disappointed me – if it’s not a big issue.  And if I do choose to let them know, I try to approach it in a loving, constructive way, rather than attacking them.  I’ve grown a lot in that area.  I used to be so concerned about getting steamrolled that I went a bit overboard in bringing someone down to size if they trespassed me in some way.  I feel strongly about my standards and principles and I won’t settle for being treated in a lesser way than I would treat someone.  I’ve asked close friends and family if I’m too high with my standards.  The resounding response is that, if anything, I give people too many chances and perhaps am too forgiving.  I hate to think it’s time to be more judgmental and critical and less understanding and compassionate.

Finally, I’ve been asked why I can’t “just be happy” being a mother to my children?  Why must I have a man in my life?  Well, first I’d ask you if you want the same for yourself before you judge me for wanting companionship.  Maybe you’re in a relationship and asking this question of me (or anyone), in which case I need to write a new blog to cover that topic.  Second, I’d ask if you’ve been a single parent to two children, having them in your custody the majority of the time for 6 years.  Third, I’d ask if you’d ever ask that of a man – that he just be happy being a father to his children?  To me that’s like asking someone to "just be happy" being married and not want something more, like kids.  We each want what we want, and we can’t change that.  I believe God created us to crave companionship and a human connection.  Friends, coworkers, and family certainly fill many of those needs, and I believe every person needs those types of relationships in their lives, as well as a healthy dose of self love and a relationship with God.  If you rely on your significant other to be your everything, you’re going to be disappointed and they’re going to fail you.  If it’s selfish of me to want a best friend I can share my life with, someone to give my love to, someone to raise my children with, dream with, to confide in, cry to, laugh with, and grow with…..then I am indeed selfish.  Add it to my list of flaws that have contributed to my failed relationships.