Please Hold

There are so many things I long to do with my life, so many dreams I can’t shake from my soul.  But those dreams will have to wait because two other dreams that came true are taking all of my resources, both tangible and intangible.  Sometimes it’s hard to wait.  When I gave life to these two dreams, I was under the impression I’d have a life partner I could lean on while pursuing other dreams.  It didn’t work out that way, so I’m feeling like I’m at a bit of a crossroads.  I've been a single mother for six years, and my kids are about halfway to adulthood, so my work is far from done.  But I ache.  I want.  I desire.  Maybe if I just give voice to my dreams and dream them publicly, it may lend me some comfort, some hope?

I want to be a midwife.  I want to go back to school and get a nursing degree and then a master’s degree in midwifery.  I want to catch babies.  I want to advocate for women and make their birthing dreams come true, so that they are in the best care possible, exerting their reproductive rights, and taking pure memories with them for the rest of their lives when they look back on the momentous day that they gave birth.  Depending on where I am living, I'd like to attend home births and help to push legislation through to protect this choice for women in healthy, low-risk pregnancies.

I want to learn karate or taekwondo.  I want to possess the skills required to defend myself, and hope that I never have to use them.  I want to learn more discipline and self control, and strengthen the connection between my mind and body. 

I want to volunteer for a domestic violence shelter – really get in the trenches and make a difference in lives that need compassion…

I want to take violin lessons, using my knowledge of reading music and playing the piano to learn to make beautiful sounds that make my eyes float up in my head, make my shoulders relax, my back arch, and my body to breathe deeply.

I want to see Montana and go to the Grand Tetons and let it all take my breath away.  I want to see Paris.  I want to go back to Jamaica.

I want to go skydiving.  I want to ride in a hot air balloon!

No one is going to pay the mortgage, day care, health insurance, utilities, babysitter, etc., while I invest in school or lessons or travel though, and no one is here to care for them while I pursue education or give time to organizations or explore the world or jump out of planes.  I can’t leave in the middle of the night to be there for a laboring woman – I have to be here with my own miracles.  I’m really not intending to complain.  Sometimes I just feel that my growth is somewhat stunted.  I’m so busy growing these two souls, there isn’t much time or energy or money to invest in myself and the growth that I constantly crave.  It's like I'm trying to place a call to God to ask for the things I want, and an operator answers and simply says, "Please hold."