ceaseless rain

my children are playing quietly upstairs, and i am sitting here alone, the rain coming down ceaselessly.  the dogs are staring at me as i cry, sensing something is wrong, staying close to me as if to comfort me.  the days go by, and i go through the motions, realizing that everyone is expecting me to fully participate in life, although life as i know it has changed forever and, frankly, i don't feel like pretending to care. 

my "go to" person is gone.  the person i had grown accustomed to sharing everything with, expressing my worries to, celebrating my triumphs with...is gone.  the person i could always count on to comfort me and hold me in moments like this is gone, and is also the source of my pain.  the future i planned for and believed in is gone.  my identity is in a state of flux, as i had identified myself as part of a team, part of a partnership dedicated to handling life together, dedicated to caring for one another and putting each other first.  now i find myself alone.  not completely alone, of course, as i am still a mother, daughter, employee, manager, sister, friend, neighbor....but yet i feel alone.

i have received the apology and the full admission of liability that i needed to receive.  but now i realize that, although it is helpful and good to hear, it changes nothing.  i'm still alone.  i'm still afraid.  i'm still confused and feeling so empty and numb.  it occurs to me that, about the time i should be on  my way to healing, my "wedding day" will arrive and interfere with the progress i should be making by then. 

i talk incessantly, to wonderful, wise people who have my best interests at heart, but i hear myself saying the same things over and over again, and of course no one can make it better or explain any of it, or erase it.  i don't expect them to.  but it gets to the point that you realize people are tired of hearing about it and they don't know what to say and so you feel yourself beginning to shut down and withdraw. 

i consider "band-aids" that don't make good sense, that aren't in my best interest.  i feel lost in a room with no windows or doors, constantly running into myself and all the painful reminders of what i've lost or maybe what i never had.  i move quietly past places where promises were made, embraces were held, life stories were shared, and dreams were born.  the silence is palpable.  the sadness is dense.  the rain is ceaseless.