For All Intents and Purposes

I've never claimed to have fond memories of high school.  There were some good times with certain people, and I always loved school, but you couldn't repay me to go back.  And middle school was even worse.  It was a period of time where you were developing friendships, practicing the art of relationships, and figuring out what your beliefs and principles were, under the influence of so many opposing forces and voices.  People made fun of me because I was smart (i.e., a "nerd").  They made fun of my skinny body, and my wild curly hair.  I will never forget having a good looking guy approach me, grinning, and saying, "Angie you look so pretty today!" and when I beamed with excitement, he laughed and said "NOT!"

There were people who would come to you with information they thought you should have, but after they'd delivered it, you'd find yourself unable to corroborate it.  Or you'd realize they had an ulterior motive for the exchange of information.  There were people you thought were one thing, and then when you found yourself in a different moment of reality - good or bad - they turned out to be another.  You would lean on people and then learn you shouldn't have, because they weren't going to be there for you when you really needed them.  There were people that were never there for you, and then suddenly were there for you in a heartbeat, posing as a friend.  But at the first opportunity they'd put the moves on you and you realized precisely what they thought you had to offer them.

It was a time of confusion, uncertainty, of inward examination and outward self-realization.  I can remember moments where I would enact a self-imposed isolation, doing nothing other than be cordial to others and go through the motions of my day.  Why?  Because I couldn't be sure who to trust, who to believe, who wanted to use me or take advantage of me, and who I could depend upon. 

I never wanted to go back, but today I realized I am back.  Sure, there are some definite figures in my life whose motives and intentions I don't question, but there are many others whose intentions are questionable at best.  I know who I am.  I know my personal truth.  It can be spun any way anyone chooses to spin it.  The people who matter will take the time to confront me if they have questions.  The rest will take others' words at face value and run with it, repeat it, even distort it.  And quite likely, they won't have my best interests at heart.

People tell me all the time what a strong woman I am.  I am.  Even though I have very weak, dark moments.  There are times I need to lean on others, to wilt, to check out...  There's one being I answer to, and I'm quite comfortable with where I stand with Him.  There are 2 opinions that really, truly matter - and those are the opinions of my children.  So if circumstances warrant that I return to the halls of my middle school or high school, then I've just made the decision to do home schooling.