Punishment

Punishment is an inevitable factor in the equations of parenting and law enforcement.  But where is its place among adults when no law is broken, no heinous trespass committed?  Punishment is intended to give someone bad consequences for their behavior.  It can come in the form of withdrawal – be it physical absence, silence, revoking quality time, cancelling commitments to others...  It can involve revoking rewards, as in the employer that docks an employee’s pay or revokes a benefit, or the lover that becomes frigid and unaffectionate. 

What are we trying to do when we punish?  Teach someone a lesson?  Make them feel badly about themselves?  Or establish ourselves as a more righteous human being, desperately attempting to feel or regain a sense of power and control?  Are we trying to make someone hurt or suffer?  At what cost?  At what reward?

The goal of punishment is not always pure and well-meaning.  It often comes from a deeper place of insecurity, of our own projected guilt and shame we wish to pin on someone else, as we happily catch them in the act of what we perceive as a mistake.  And yet it often seems easier to dole out punishment rather than attempting to reach a common ground or even a moment of growth between two (or more) people as they explain their position and feelings and simply listen to one another with the prerequisite of good intentions and of course, respect for another person’s feelings.

Punishment has a way of disintegrating trust and loyalty - slowly, but ever so surely.  It intends to establish fear in another person.  Fear of losing an object, or privilege, or benefit that matters to them.  It also intends to produce shame and a sense of inferiority.  Do we really want someone performing or behaving in the manner that WE prefer only because they fear our reaction?  Or because they want to, because they care enough about their job or relationship or responsibilities to be ethical and rational and intelligent and to just do the right thing.  Mistakes will happen, as will misunderstandings.  People are human and they are going to let us down.  But the way we choose to punish others says far more about our own character than theirs.