faith and trust

Faith and Trust - the two are not the same, and while I appreciate Webster's definitions, I'm trying to hammer it all out for myself.  Forgive me as I cram a potential 20 page journal into a blog.  :)

As a Type A personality, I like to have as much control as possible over my life and my surroundings, leaving very little to chance.  I love to drive, both literally and figuratively.  When I get on the back of a motorcycle, why is it such a rush?  I have zero control over my own safety or even the path that machine will take.  It has to do with faith and with trust.  Letting oneself go, placing your well-being in another's hands, even if only for a few moments, is such a "high" when you realize you're in good hands.

Why do I struggle so much with my religious faith and interpersonal trust?  I have faith in my God, no doubt.  It is the day-to-day that becomes a challenge - turning it over to someone else, making my best effort and really trusting that I'll be cared for and nourished and blessed, even if it comes in ways that aren't immediately recognizable as blessings.  I'm a worrier, and it's been said that to worry is to insult God.  I'm sorry about that God, and I'm working on it.  It's so hard for me. 

You see, I've been conditioned to believe that when you let go of the reins, most of the time you wind up getting kicked off the horse.  So many of the people I've put my trust in have hurt me in big and small ways.  I'm a flawed sinner, so of course what I brought to the table wasn't perfect either.  But I'm talking about malicious hurt.  I'm talking about evil too.  I've seen evil in faces that once held love, or something I believed was love...  I've been on the receiving ends of words that were intended for no other purpose than to degrade and insult and make me love myself less and question myself more.

Not everyone is deserving of trust.  In fact, I'd argue that there is no one who is 100% trustworthy, just as there is no one who is 100% untrustworthy.  We all have weaknesses in our character and in our actions.  We all can be led astray by various temptations, and I'm not just talking about infidelity here.  The temptation to lie, the temptation to use drugs, the temptation to steal, the temptation to be punitive...

Still, I've never been capable of giving up on human relationships.  I've sought out new friends and fallen in love even after suffering heartbreak.  Maybe that is faith?  Faith that someday someone will be deserving of the spirit gifts I have to offer, and that my risks will pay off?  It's not that I'll never be hurt again, but that I will experience a deep and genuine love from certain souls in my life who accept me and celebrate me for who I am, who don't wish to change me, and who wish to shield me as much as possible while supporting me through my valleys.  Not to mention the rush I feel when I realize that someone I love trusts me.  I think being trusted might be equally as powerful as being loved.  But what is love?  Ah, let's save that for another blog.....