An Eye for an Eye

After 20 years of dating, I find myself sitting back and reflecting on the subject of arguing.  I had a therapist once who said that disagreements were normal and healthy ways to relate to other human beings who had a differing opinion or perspective, whereas arguing stepped it up to a more personal level, and fighting was only about one thing: winning.  You only fight to win.   Not to sort out differences or reach a higher understanding or compromise.  You only fight to win, and thus you are willing to harm someone else in the process – be it physically or emotionally.  You are willing to take cheap shots of various forms, trying to hit the other person where it hurts.  At that point it has become a purely selfish mode of communication (if you can even call it that) and no longer a dialogue. 

I have been involved with several men who refined the art of arguing and, yes, fighting.    What they often didn’t know is that I am: a) very stubborn, b) very opinionated, and c) very articulate.  While I can get swept away on the waves of emotion and passion, I am very rational and logic when I participate in an argument, building my case as if I were a lawyer, and drawing in all kinds of supporting evidence.  What I found was that the fighters I dated weren’t interested in being rational or gaining a common ground.  They were interested in destroying me, in the form of hitting on my insecurities, throwing sucker punches at my ego, and bitch slapping my pride. 

I watched other couples I knew and noticed they didn’t ALL operate like that.  Sometimes I doubted myself, thinking that maybe if you wanted to have the good kind of passion you had to have the bad kind too.  Always I would think of my parents, happily married for 42 years, never once fighting or arguing in front of me.  I would ask myself if my Dad would ever say or do that to my Mom and it was a moot question.  Of course he wouldn’t.  Having that example as my foundation made me refuse to settle for less than the same for myself, even if it meant spending a lot of years single. 

Now I am learning that there are men out there with backbones, with opinions and so forth, but who are also able to care about me as a human being.  Sure, we have had our little scuffles and even periods of silence where someone had to walk away.  But I’m learning that there are some people who care enough to walk away instead of engaging in battle or worse yet – trying to simply win.   There are men who are willing to say “I’m sorry” and who want more than anything not to be the cause of any pain in my eyes.  This is a new concept to me, believe it or not.  Not every man or boy I’ve dated has been a nasty fighter, but there is a recency effect that leaves me wary of the strong-willed man. 

As a single mother, I’m completely committed to creating an environment for my children that sets the same foundation upon which I was raised.  I know that it is possible, and I will not settle for less – for myself, or for them…