It’s true that I’m in a good place right now in terms of romance. I’m getting married in a few months and am experiencing this strange sensation of a stable relationship that involves both giving and receiving, kindness, fairness, maturity, good times, shared burdens, and all sorts of unexpected bliss. But don’t presume romance has always been good to me.
In the post-divorce era, there have been a number of clowns and idiots with whom I’ve woven webs. I’m able now to look back on these experiences and laugh. So why not share it with you for sheer entertainment?
One of the earliest idiot stick figures with no soul, known to my friends only as “The Cowboy”, enjoyed messing with me, not calling for days, weeks at a time, and once I’d decide to call him and express my disappointment, he’d say something like “oh you’re not all worked up because I haven’t called for a minute, are you?” Not wanting to be “that girl”, I’d insist I’d been equally busy and distracted. He was the one for whom I adapted the mantra “Don’t waste the pretty.” He was good practice for dating after being off the market for 8 years. Until the day I asked him who his celebrity Top 5 was and he said he “didn’t really find any celebrity that attractive. Except Ann Coulter. But I just want to %$&# her mind.”
“Frat Boy” was in his early 20s (while I was in my early 30s). Initially, I was pleased and surprised to get a text from him each morning that said “good morning beautiful.” Until I realized it was a mass text. In fact, texting was the only way he would communicate. No phone calls. It took me about 10 days to get bored and delete him.
There was also Cocaine Stalker Boy (not to be confused with my actual stalker, who my lawyer has advised me not to discuss in a public forum). Cocaine Stalker Boy engaged me in a game of darts one night. After giving him my number, he gave me bag of white powder and a straw and told me to go to the parking lot and “party.” I told him I was doing all the partying I’d be doing and no thanks. This exchange repeated itself several times with neither of us making headway. I let him know my interest in him had disappeared and we parted ways. However, Cocaine Stalker Boy liked calling me at 5 and 6 a.m. Incessantly. Like 25 times in a row. I ran into him a couple weeks later and he verbally berated me in public, asking me if I thought I was better than him – not accepting his calls like that! I said yes, I did think I was better than him. Sometimes you have to exaggerate how deplorable you are in order to get someone to go away. Which reminds me...
Someone I dated asked me to think really hard before I bought my Chihuahua. He wanted me to consider the responsibility that comes with owning a dog and to weigh that against the amount of time that would take me away from him.
Someone I dated was very generous and doting, spending exorbitant amounts of money on me, quipping “Don’t worry – I got this” and so forth. Then I’d get an invoice. Yes, an invoice. A spreadsheet with total costs, divided down to the penny of what I owed him.
Someone created a spreadsheet outlining how much time we spent at his house vs. mine so I could see how selfish I was (never mind the fact that I have one or both of my kids almost every night and need to put them to bed at my house).
Someone called my doctor when I insisted I had a handle on a health issue, stating he was my husband and arranging an appointment for me.
Someone finally made me so crazy and aggravated, I bailed halfway through a 6 hour car trip - in the middle of Nowhere, Pennsylvannia - and got a one-way rental car to Columbus just so I wouldn’t have to sit beside him a moment longer. He told me I was bluffing and would never do it. He underestimated me, and underestimated his ability to be so repellant. J
Farmer Bill and I had several pleasant dates. I kept hoping he’d learn how to chew with his mouth shut. His fatal error was asking if I wanted to meet up at Hooter’s for a date. Damn that Master’s degree in Women’s Studies!
The Id seemed pleasant enough, even polite. We had a lot in common and conversation came easy. On the second or third (and final) date, he felt comfortable enough to brag to me about his long history of dark sexual conquests. In detail.
Computer Boy was sweet and we could talk for hours on the phone. But when we’d get together, I found myself praying he wouldn’t try to hold my hand. I’d order garlic-laden food in the hopes he wouldn’t try to kiss me, for fear it would feel like kissing my brother. I just wasn’t feelin’ it.
There’s more. And no, they weren't all freaks. A few were perfectly decent, but with whom it just didn’t work out. So the next time you want to gag as I gush about my current state of happiness, don’t fool yourself into believing things come easily to me. I’ve had a long list of learning experiences, and for that I’m grateful. Each and every one taught me a little more about what I do and don’t want in a relationship. And don’t let my light-hearted reminiscences fool you either. Many of my dating experiences led to excruciating pain, tears, sadness, self-doubt, and broken-heartedness. I feel it was all worth it to wind up right here, right now. And just think of the stories I can share with my kids when they begin dating!
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