Maybe if I didn't care so much about how I treat the world and how the world perceives me....I wouldn't care so much about what others say about me. It is amazing to me how even years later, words can echo in my mind, haunt me, and cause self-doubt, apprehension, and humiliation. I just stumbled across someone's words about me from 4 years ago - calling me "close-minded", "self-centered", "a bad listener", "intolerant", and "full of self pity". My colleagues joke (because they think it's ridiculous) about how I'm a "worthless piece of shit" - something somebody else called me a year ago in the heat of anger and rage.
Words hurt. Not only do they hurt, they scar. Words end relationships, at least for me. Words can't be taken back. There is always an element of truth in them, even if an apology is delivered. And anyone who is self-aware and who cares about improving themselves is going to always run those words through their mind and feel the heat rush to their face, feel their chin droop, their mouth turn down at the realization that someone thinks something so horrible about them.
Sure, we rationalize and we consider the source - whether that person is jealous or hurting or feeling rejected or confused, etc. But it's out there....free to wander the halls of our minds and our hearts even if we will it to go away. Lately, I've been trying to center myself on the realization that God's opinion of me is the only one that truly matters. He loves me.....loves me so much, he sacrificed his son's life so that my life could be eternal. So I'm pretty sure he doesn't think I'm worthless or any of those other horrible things. He thinks I'm everything. And if I keep my mind and heart focused on that, perhaps I can let the words of mere mortals bounce off a little easier.
Angie,
ReplyDeletethank you so much for this post....it really speaks to me obviously from everything I have just gone through with Ryan and of course the hurtful words I have heard from many an ex-boyfriend (not attractive enough, not thin enough, too smart, make too much money, etc, etc). It is hard sometimes to stop and not believe those comments, at least for me, and not to care so much what others think.