kindred spirits

Sometimes all I think we really need is to know we're not alone.  Not in the literal sense, mind you.  I've been to a sporting event surrounded my 100,000+ screaming fans, yet I was alone.  I've been in the same room - even the same table - with another person and felt the miles span between us.  I'm talking about a connection between two human souls.  It doesn't come with every interaction.  With some folks, I struggle to think of something to say or to discuss, feeling that each effort falls flat on its face.  But with others.....with others, it comes as natural as rain trickling down the gutter.

 

Isn't it a wonderful feeling when you find common ground with a person and feel that you are truly heard, truly understood, or truly appreciated?  I have come to believe that the wide array of people in my life are all there for various purposes.  Some provide insight, others provide laughter, while others provide challenges.  Likewise, my purpose in their lives varies too.  I know that for some people I'm the one they want to talk to about a certain topic, or for others I am the one to invite to karaoke, and for others I am the person who will laugh at their jokes.

 

It's the beautiful way in which God has created us as unique and special beings, each with a different set of traits, needs, and talents.  To find a kindred spirit is one of the greatest gifts He gave, at least to me.

thoughts on love

I'm no expert on love.  I've been engaged three times, married once, and divorced once.  So my thoughts are a work in progress and I hope you can regard them as such.

 

But I'm reminded again and again how vitally important it is to get your proverbial "shit" together prior to entering a romantic relationship.  I have been the girl who was so hungry for love, she ignored red flags, warning signs, and gut instincts.  I can only speak for myself, but when I embark upon a relationship wanting desperately to be loved, I become a slave to it.  I hang on every word, every hint of affection and affirmation sends me soaring, while every absence of the same sends me reeling.  I become someone who will do anything to earn recognition and praise.  It's ridiculous, and frankly, embarrassing and unattractive.

 

How much better it is when I have come to terms with my solitude, have come to know myself (as I am ever evolving), and have found peace with life in the absence of romance.  It is only at that time that I can actually represent myself genuinely in a relationship, and give for the sake of giving rather than pre-calculating what I might get in return. 

 

As I live and learn about love, I realize that it is a safe place where I can be myself (though not without being challenged in a healthy way), give from the heart, and truly care about another person's well-being in addition to my own.  This is hard!  I've been badly burned before and taken advantage of in life-altering ways.  I suspect there will always be a part of me that has my guard up and is constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.  The real work happens when I push through that and CHOOSE to give myself and my love with the realization that it may or may not be returned.  It is a chance to practice imperfect human love while resting in the unconditional love of God as the ultimate example of how love is supposed to be. 

 

And if you really get it right, God becomes the center of your romantic relationship and you learn to lean on him for support and praise him for blessings as you struggle through life and love, learning as you go. 

Motion Sick/Shotgun

I've always wondered if those of us who are prone to motion sickness are control freaks as well.  I know I am.  Although I don't feel ill in the passenger seat (only in the back seat), I find myself looking both ways at stop signs just to make sure the driver hasn't missed any oncoming traffic.  Likewise, when I do get stuck in the backseat, my best bet at not getting sick is to keep my eyes glued to the road ahead of me. 

 

Consider for a moment that God is the driver in this ride we call life.  We could be enjoying the ride, enjoying the scenery, and relaxing, rather than second-guessing and double checking him at each turn and merging point.  If we could learn to trust and let go, we could enjoy those "passenger seat" moments and not create unnecessary stress for ourselves by attempting to duplicate the efforts of our flawless God.  

 

That being said, we are certainly not given license to recline back, be passive, and hope that God wraps our lives up in beautiful wrapping with a perfect bow on top.  We have responsibility and accountability that comes with the gift of life.  We simply need to remember our place.  Shotgun.  

Single Parent Families: scattered thoughts

My church is doing a sermon series on family and parenting, and I've been asked to write a small group study guide on the topic of single parent/blended families.  I thought I would share my thoughts (and expand upon them) via my blog (blog doesn't allow enough room to get into blended families - that's an entire dissertation!)

 

People become single parents through various circumstances, but there are similarities in the journey regardless of the starting point. Many circumstances can create a sense of despair and panic for the single parent as they wonder how on earth they will be able to do this all by themselves. The road seems long and the responsibility seems enormously overwhelming.  I can remember nights where I would leave my full-time job, pick up the kids (sometimes at two locations), come home, get the mail, let the dogs out, start on dinner, open up a pile of bills, all while the kids were needing things and asking me questions, and I just thought I would lose my mind.  I can remember sitting upstairs in the hallway, sobbing, feeling so overwhelmed to think of the next 15 - 18 years ahead of me.  I called friends and told them I just needed to talk or just needed them to come over.  They would come, and it was all I needed to pull it together.  I didn't need them to do anything around the house or run errands or keep the kids.  I just needed their company.

• If you are a single parent, how are you enlisting and/or accepting help from others? If you aren't, why not? :)
• If you are not a single parent, how are you supporting the single parents you know? What do you think they might be praying for?

 

Single parents often feel as if they don't fit among their peers. Single, childless friends can't quite relate to being a parent or might not enjoy being around kids. Married friends might no longer relate to being on the dating scene. I felt that I didn't really fit with any of my old friends anymore.  I could see the looks on my married friends' faces when I'd mention going on a date....or the look on my single friends' faces when I'd say something about my children.  I found that I had to make an intentional effort at surrounding myself with quality people who would support and encourage me.  I was flailing, starting over in so many areas of my life, and I needed anchors.  God was one of them, and I learned to pray more and talk to him about what I was going through.  "For I am the LORD your God who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you." (Isaiah 41:13)

Single parents must redefine family and parenting. Cultural norms and expectations can lead single parent families to feel incomplete, or like outcasts or failures. But the Bible tells us: "Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the desert and streams in the wasteland." (Isaiah 43:18-19)

• In what ways is a single parent family a blessing, rather than a burden? Or, what are some unanticipated benefits of being a single parent family?
  
• How could we, as a church, be more intentional about being sensitive to the circumstances and needs of single parent families? How is their experience at church shaped by the reality of their home situation?

Imperfect Love

Relationships are tough.  It can take a lifetime to encounter a person who has that natural combination of physical, psychological, moral, and lifestyle compatibility that matches your own.  Too many times, we find someone with deal breakers we cannot and should not ignore.  But none of us is perfect, and therefore, none of our romantic partners ever will be.  Not even "perfect for me" perhaps.

But I guess that's what love is.  You learn to accept your partner's shortcomings, flaws, and imperfections.  You choose to love them anyway.  And if we're honest with ourselves, they are doing the same for us when they love us.

Forgiving and accepting another person's mistakes can be difficult, especially when you have been hurt by them. But it takes an honest person to admit that they have made their own share of mistakes and have done their share of hurting others as well.  Because my faith has grown over the course of my life, I am more and more aware of the fact that I am a flawed human being in need of forgiveness.  I am not always easy to love or easy to live with.  God loves me anyway.  As I've come to accept that and truly believe it, it diminishes my human inclination to judge or even cast out other flawed people in my life. 

Love Means Never Having to Say You're Sorry?

I remember at a young age seeing that quote from the movie Love Story...you know, the "Love means never having to say you're sorry" quote.  While I'd like to think I've evolved in many ways from elementary school until now, my response to that quote remains the same: Bull.Shit.

 

Love means saying you're sorry more than ever!  Those we love unfortunately take the brunt of our bad stuff - our worst days, seeing us at our most fatigued, most irritable, and most flawed.  Which is precisely why they deserve apologies if we love them.  They deserve to know that we realize we failed them, that we regret it, and that we will be aware of it moving forward and do all that we can to avoid hurting them in the same way again. 

 

I don't care how old you are, what your title is, whether you're the parent or child, or whether you feel your excrement stinks or not....you are not perfect and you hurt those around you.  It's inevitable.  We are all human.  Furthermore, we can all expect to be hurt by those who love us.  It's what happens afterward that matters.  Do we behave in an arrogant, prideful, stubborn, or cold manner?  Do we become award-winning actors who pretend that nothing happened and attempt to conduct life as usual?  Do we make misguided attempts to erase what we've done with gifts, hugs, money, humor, compliments, etc.?  Or do we....quite simply....look our loved one in the eyes and tell them we are sorry?
 

Maybe we don't even believe we are wrong at the core of the issue, whatever it may be.  Maybe we just need to apologize for the way we said something or the way we made someone feel.  After all, if we don't care about the way we make our loved ones feel, and we don't care about making sure they know that we care about how we make them feel, how can we say we love them?

 

 

 

 

Just One of The White Mugs

My grandmother has been living in a nursing home for just over a year.  At some point, it became apparent that she would not be able to return home again.  She has invited the immediate family to take any of her belongings that we would like.  This is a strange process for me, because it feels like something one would do after the loved one has passed away. 

 

The last time I was at her home, I couldn't identify anything I really wanted to take, other than maybe one of the door handles from her old home.  They are old-fashioned, and I associate them with the house where I spent so many years having fun, being loved, bonding with family, and growing up.  They were difficult to latch when exiting a room, and us kids were forever being reminded to "SHUT THE DOOR!  THE AIR IS ON!"  Clearly, I'm not going to remove the handle & latch fixture though, as it would be blatantly obvious - even with a replacement of some sort - to any future inhabitant of the house. 

 

After  I returned home from that visit, it occurred to me that there was something I wanted, that could easily be removed from the house without effecting its functionality.  I asked for one of the tiny plastic speckled cups that, as a kid, contained juice or Sun Drop with my evening snack.  I also asked for one of the plain white mugs she had in her cupboard.  The mug is not attractive in any way.  It's not etched with the name of a place or a clever saying.  But when MeMa made hot chocolate for me in one of those mugs that she and Granddaddy used, I felt awfully special.  I'd pretend I was a grown up drinking coffee.  I remember the Nestle Quik powder she used to make that hot chocolate, and all the Quik Bunny mugs and spoons she earned us with all the UPC codes.

 

So my mom brought one of the little juice cups and one of the white mugs back for me after her last visit.  I haven't figured out where to put it or what to do with it exactly, but it is an icon of love and comfort that I will forever treasure.