The Chair & The Daisy

The last time you were here,  we sat on the patio and talked for hours.  It was one of those spring days where it is finally hot.  We'd survived a long, cold winter and longed for those days.  Finally, they had arrived.  My pale skin was burning at its reunion with the strong, warming sun.  You sat in the chair on the left, and I on the right. 

 

Now, 17 days after your death, I go to that chair.  I sit in it.  Somehow, it seems snug, as if it were custom made to fit me.  In it, I imagine that I feel you hugging on me.  It might sound crazy mon amie, but it lends me a fleeting moment of comfort. 

 

I look at the Gerbera daisy you brought me that day, and I hate that cheap little plant for outliving you.  I want to smash the pot on the stone patio, but I cannot bring myself to destroy the last tangible thing you gave me.  After all, it's beautiful.  It has died many deaths, appearing to be beyond resurrection, wilted, dry, limp.  But I tend to it and love on it, and it springs back to life again and again. 

 

I know you are with me.  I feel you near me at times.  I remember your words, and when I need new words, I intuitively know what they would be.  I know how you would comfort me through this.  I just want to hear your sweet voice saying the words.  I want to look into your lovely, loving, wise eyes and see for myself how much you care for my hurting heart. 

 

The emptiness and loss are massive.  The tears are a bottomless well.  I am carrying on, G.  I am.  I just wanted to carry on with you a bit longer before this separation. 

Pain Demands to be Felt

"That's the thing about pain.  It demands to be felt." 

from The Fault in Our Stars by John Green

Two days ago, I lost you, at least in the earthly part of my life.  And while I'm grateful for the incredible strength and comfort with which God has been supplying me...I grieve.  Deeply. 

 

You, so brave despite your fears.  So giving and nurturing, even as those who love you desperately wanted to nurture you.  In all of my life, I have never felt so helpless as I watched this dark and ugly thing called cancer take your life.  Still, your spirit was steadfast.  You remained your beautiful, amazing self throughout the entire journey of your earthly life.  I never could have imagined I could come to love you even more, but I did as I admired your courage, your selflessness, and your incredibly giving soul all while you bore the burden of your diagnosis and prognosis.

 

So often I find myself staring, absorbing neither sights nor sounds, only feeling this deep, heavy weight in my heart.  I eat, but feel weak.  I sleep, but I feel exhausted.  And then, in the most unexpected moments - a minor chord in a song, a glimpse of your handwriting, an image of you - my composure is lost and I unravel right where I am, melting into tears as my body shudders and sobs.

 

You would easily be the one I would call when feeling so bereft.  Just the sound of your soothing, lilting compassionate voice would quickly work its magic until I rapidly transitioned into a more rational state of mind.  From there, we would discuss whatever was troubling me at length, with you always, always, always offering a perspective that my analytic mind had somehow not yet considered.  Always, you would offer encouragement and support and love, saying "be nice to my friend Angie." 

 

Truly, you were an angel.  And I am exceedingly grateful for the chapter of my life I shared with you.  But selfishly, I want more of you.  There is a void, and it's deep and dark and empty.  My God, I knew this would hurt like hell, yet I underestimated it completely.

 

 

I Wanted You to be There

I didn't realize how much it meant to me to have you care about me until you stopped.  I kept waiting, hoping you would check in on me, acknowledge what I've been through, ask me how I'm doing, offer to visit or help in some way....but you didn't.  Oh plenty of other people are standing in the gap.  It isn't about need.  I don't need anything from you. The point is, I wanted you to be there for me. For o long, you just were.  I don't know if I did something to change that.  If I did, I have no idea what it was.  I wanted to feel the validation of our friendship.  I wanted to feel cared for by you.  I wanted to not have to wonder if you still care.  Instead, I feel hurt.  I feel neglected, abandoned, and unimportant....at least to you.  To so many others, I feel lifted up, prayed for, attended to, honored, assisted, and loved.  Still.....your silence is so loud.  Your absence is so very hurtful.  And no matter how many others care, none fills the hole that's waiting for you to care.

10 Years Post-Divorce

Next month marks the 10 year anniversary of my divorce (actually a dissolution).  I guess I find myself surprised, in some ways, that I've never remarried.  Oh, I've come close.  I came within 6 weeks of the wedding date a few years back.  I read once that, for every 4 years spent in a relationship, you need 1 year to be alone with yourself and heal before trying to have another relationship.  For me, that turned out to be very true.  But I was also never in a rush to date.  So many folks are dating before the divorce is finalized, even bringing the next "flavor of the month" to the courthouse, whereas I view such behavior as unhealthy, tacky, and even unsavory.  It would have felt like cheating to me, and that's not how I do business.

 

At this moment in my life, I think it's becoming less likely that I will remarry.  Oddly enough, this isn't about a lack of self confidence.  I know I'm a catch in many ways, and it's taken me some time to be able to say that.  The issue is lack of return on my investments.  I've had 3 significant post-divorce relationships in terms of length and depth.  If I cited the reasons for their endings, you'd swear I was lying and I'd wish I was.  After those three, I managed to try once more, only to quickly learn that one woman wasn't enough for that one.  Brief as it was, that one knocked my alignment out completely.

 

So I find myself on a self-imposed sabbatical.  I know myself well, and I know I need time to heal when my heart's been wounded.  I also am self-reflective and want to explore and understand why I've been repeatedly drawn to men who've been capable of inflicting such deal-breaking behavior. 

 

However, in the "single" chapters of life, there's no denying the absence of drama, the lack of tiptoeing around anyone's sensitivities and quirks, and the satisfaction of answering to myself, knowing I won't let me down.  My children are welcome, celebrated, and challenged.  It's very clear who will do the mowing, snow shoveling, cooking, wrapping Christmas gifts, taking the car to the shop, etc.  I'm responsible for honoring my own birthday in a way that suits me.  It's lonely, don't misunderstand me.  I'm grateful for the warmth and rhythmic breathing of my dogs' bodies next to me in bed each night because it somehow makes me feel less alone, less vulnerable.  Sometimes the loneliness is so palpable it brings me to tears.  Parenting feels daunting.  The holidays seem overwhelming.  And yet, I am so very tired of investing my energy, my time, resources, and emotions into underwhelming dead-ends.  I'm tired of coming up short or even empty.  I'm tired of getting the worse end of the deal.  So my valuable resources are being wisely invested elsewhere, and I must say, my interest is up.

demons

I heard a song today that I once sang in church as a solo.  The lyrics resonated again with me in this particular moment of my life: 

There's a whole lot of demons in this room
And none of them believe in fighting fair
Some sit on my left
Some sit on my right
They talk so loud it's hard to disagree
I'm surrounded by the demons in this room
And there's no one here but me

 

Lately, it feels like the only news I get is bad news.  The burdens that weigh on me just get heavier and more difficult to bear.  It's like when my trainer has me lifting and the first few go fine, but with more repetitions, I'm literally struggling to complete each lift, grimacing in pain, to the point I want to collapse.  Most days anymore I have to give myself a pep talk to face my burdens all over again and to not feel like I'm running on some sort of wicked treadmill. 



 

I believe demons are alive and well.  They know my insecurities, my fears, and which buttons to push to cause me to doubt myself and to feel uncertain.  In these valleys of life, I have to actively struggle and fight with demons that surround me.  I don't always win.  All the while, I'm trying to draw near to God.  Daily I remind myself to BE STILL and to wait on the Lord and his promises for me.  It's hard when I don't get the immediate answers and immediate healing I crave.  I know he's not giving up on me, even when I'm tempted to give up on myself.  I know he's rooting for me.  I know he has plans for me and my life.  But those demons are so powerful. 

 

I missed church for the first time I can really recall in many, many months this past weekend.  I was feeling quite ill and would have had to drive myself and my body just wasn't up for it.  Happily, our church records the sermons and I was able to view it Monday evening.  I sat sobbing as my pastor described my life - the struggle of waiting when you've been broken and things just don't feel as if they're coming together.  I knew God put those words in my pastor's heart and mind to speak to me and others like me who need to be told to keep the faith, to draw near, to trust in God's character and His promises.  He isn't giving up on me.  He knows how far down the forces of evil can pull the heart and spirit of a person who is experiencing profound stress, heartbreak, disappointment, loneliness, confusion, etc.  But I do know His love can reach further, pull harder, and heal me better than anything the enemy has to offer. 

 

Changing the Way I Do Business

Looking back on a string of relationships that ended with hurt and heartache, I've always been cognizant of the fact that I am the common denominator in those relationships.  And while I'm not willing to take responsibility or blame for others who chose to cheat, lie, verbally abuse, steal, etc., it occurs to me that I do have something for which I'm responsible.  I have consistently chosen men who a) were not truly invested in a relationship with God, and b) were not interested in or committed to self-improvement.

 

No matter how nice, giving, loving, attentive, or thoughtful they were (at least for a while), their true self rose to the surface, acted out, and a more self-centered persona was eventually exposed.  What I tend to hear in my relationships goes something like this "You make me want to be a better man."  Now, I believe that is a good quality in relationships: being with someone who inspires you and challenges you.  It's fantastic.  But that cannot only come from your partner.  It also has to come from within you, and some of that will likely be rooted in your relationship with God and your journey to be the best person you can be. 

Furthermore, both partners have to feel inspired, not just one.  Yes, I've tried to adapt my words and behaviors so as to not spark someone's abusive anger (and that's another blog...), but no, I've never been in a relationship where the other person inspired and challenged me to be a better person.  I'm the one who is consistently consuming knowledge, exploring resources, and reflecting on my life with a focus on continually improving. 

I have dated a man I met at church, and I've dated a man who invited me to church.  I've dated men who "used to" attend church and then started again when they began to date me.  I've dated men who never prayed at the table and men who've insisted on praying before eating.  Bottom line: attending church  and praying does not make one a God-fearing, God-loving person.  There is a huge difference in believing in God and craving to grow closer to Him while trying to walk in His ways on a daily basis.  I am SO far from proficient at this, make no mistake.  But it is consistently in my thoughts and efforts. 

If I ever decide to take another chance on love, it's clear to me that I need to be sure I'm investing in someone who possesses these two qualies.  And honestly, in my opinion, anyone who is invested in a relationship with God will naturally care about becoming a better person and will inspire those around them. 

the waiting room

A couple days ago, I sat in the waiting room of a breast care center.  There was a man sitting near me, holding an extra coat and a purse.  Soon, he was called back to the patient care area, being told that "she" was almost done.  When he returned to the waiting area, he appeared distressed.  He held his head in his hands, gathering his composure.  I wanted so badly to say something to him, but also did not wish to intrude on his personal business. 

In the midst of the empathy I was feeling, I began to feel fear and self-pity.  I was imagining myself in her shoes.  Except in my scenario, there is no life partner waiting in the waiting room.  I found myself really feeling a sense of....not panic, but sadness and anxiety. 

I've felt this way often in my life as a single parent.  I've fast forwarded to old age or difficult health issues, empty nest, etc., and I've pictured the very real possibility of being alone.  It makes my heart very heavy and sad.  I am blessed to have extremely supportive parents, children, and friends.  Still, just as the presence of a child cannot replace the absence of a parent, family and friends do not replace the presence of a partner - that person you turn to daily with your celebrations and challenges, that person you dream with, that person you build your life with....

It occurred to me, though, that all of us risk facing such valleys alone.  None of us has a guarantee.  Even if you have a partner, one never knows when they might pass away or walk out of your life.  I try more and more to view God as my life partner in some ways.  There is no doubt that He will be there for me daily, through every high and low and ordinary moment along the way.  He will be there when I draw my final breath. I would be lying if I said that erases my feelings of loneliness and fear.  It doesn't.  But it gives me pause for thought and it suggests where my energy is best spent.  He has already sent His son to die for me and my sins.  He's pretty committed to loving me and supporting me and being there for me in every way possible.  And no matter who else might be there, He will be in the waiting room too.