the waiting room

A couple days ago, I sat in the waiting room of a breast care center.  There was a man sitting near me, holding an extra coat and a purse.  Soon, he was called back to the patient care area, being told that "she" was almost done.  When he returned to the waiting area, he appeared distressed.  He held his head in his hands, gathering his composure.  I wanted so badly to say something to him, but also did not wish to intrude on his personal business. 

In the midst of the empathy I was feeling, I began to feel fear and self-pity.  I was imagining myself in her shoes.  Except in my scenario, there is no life partner waiting in the waiting room.  I found myself really feeling a sense of....not panic, but sadness and anxiety. 

I've felt this way often in my life as a single parent.  I've fast forwarded to old age or difficult health issues, empty nest, etc., and I've pictured the very real possibility of being alone.  It makes my heart very heavy and sad.  I am blessed to have extremely supportive parents, children, and friends.  Still, just as the presence of a child cannot replace the absence of a parent, family and friends do not replace the presence of a partner - that person you turn to daily with your celebrations and challenges, that person you dream with, that person you build your life with....

It occurred to me, though, that all of us risk facing such valleys alone.  None of us has a guarantee.  Even if you have a partner, one never knows when they might pass away or walk out of your life.  I try more and more to view God as my life partner in some ways.  There is no doubt that He will be there for me daily, through every high and low and ordinary moment along the way.  He will be there when I draw my final breath. I would be lying if I said that erases my feelings of loneliness and fear.  It doesn't.  But it gives me pause for thought and it suggests where my energy is best spent.  He has already sent His son to die for me and my sins.  He's pretty committed to loving me and supporting me and being there for me in every way possible.  And no matter who else might be there, He will be in the waiting room too.