So Small

“And when you figure out love is all that matters after all, it sure makes everything else seem so small.”

~Carrie Underwood

Sometimes I feel so alone.  My life is full of a lot of things – lots of friends, family, my children, my work, my faith, my hobbies and interests…..but I feel alone sometimes because I don’t have a partner, a significant other.  No matter how much is in your life – even a strong relationship with God – nothing can quite fill that particular hole.

More than one person has suggested, implied, or outright commanded me that I should “just be happy to be a mother” when discussing the lack of a romantic companion in my life.  My response to that would entail another blog entry, so let’s just say that I disagree and that no one in my shoes would be foolish enough to say something like that.  It’s as foolish as telling the infertile couple who wants a child that they should just be happy to have each other.  The parent/child relationship is more like a manager/employee relationship.  My job is to raise them to be successful human beings – financially, socially, academically, occupationally, spiritually, etc.  It is not to be confused with a relationship between two consenting parties where each is concerned with the welfare of the other.

I’ve made peace with the fact that I am alone in this sense, and I am exceedingly grateful I did not make a commitment to the wrong person.  God allowed me to experience a tremendous amount of hurt so that I would not experience even greater hurt further down the line.  It’s crystal clear to me that he intervened in a way I could not ignore, and it’s an amazing, humbling thing.  I also realize I may or may not ever find someone to share my life with in only the way you can with a life partner.

So then I move to problem solving mode.  What can I do to fill the void?  I can seek out and find love.  Nothing that would feel like that “partner love” of which I speak, but the next best thing.  I find love in genuine friends of mine whom I can share soul-searching conversations with.  I find love in animals.  I find love in my children, yes.  I find love at church.  I find love when I talk to God.  I find love when I see people perform acts of kindness for one another.  I find love in the fall leaves, the winter snow, a sunny day at the lake…basking in the glory of God’s creation.  In music, in movies, in literature…even if it’s a fantasy, I find love.

The challenge is to train oneself to look for love.  Consistently negative people don’t see it, because they choose not to.  When we become bitter and jaded, or when we throw pity parties for ourselves, we miss out on all the love around us.  And believe it or not, there’s a lot of it out there.  You do have to look for it though – first by deciding you want to see it. 

What you got if you ain't got love
the kind that you just want to give away
its okay to open up
go ahead and let the light shine through
I know it's hard on a rainy day
you want to shut the world out and just be left alone
but don't run out on your faith

'cause sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
is just a grain of sand
and what you've been up there searching for forever
is in your hands
when you figure out love is all that matters after all
it sure makes everything else seem so small

it's so easy to get lost inside
a problem that seems so big at the time
it's like a river thats so wide
it swallows you whole
while you're sitting 'round thinking 'bout what you can't change
and worrying about all the wrong things
time's flying by
moving so fast
you better make it count 'cause you cant get it back

sometimes that mountain you've been climbing
is just a grain of sand
and what you've been up there searching for forever
is in your hands
oh when you figure out love is all that matters after all
it sure makes everything else seem so small