Lopsided by Design

It’s really hard for me to let someone else pay my way without what I consider a “good reason,” like my birthday or because they are thanking me for something.  This makes dating me a slippery slope (on the rare occasion I find a man who can and will offer to pay for a night out), but I digress…  Why does it bother me so much?  I’m a generous person, and I love giving to others when I’m able.  I like picking up things that make me think of someone, I love surprising people with small kindnesses, sending notes, doing anonymous acts of kindness, etc.  Why is it difficult for me to accept favors and “gifts for no reason?” 

I guess it’s mostly because it makes me feel indebted to that person, and I hate that feeling.  I feel that I owe them, and I can’t let it go until I pay them back one way or another (either reimbursing, taking a turn paying their way, or at the very least a prompt thank you note).   Maybe I can’t stand having an imbalance of power.  Maybe I’m afraid I’ll forget to “make it right” if I don’t do it right away.  Maybe it’s because I was raised to be considerate and fair.  Maybe it’s because I’ve had friends who liked to keep score, so I learned that nothing was ever truly a gift unless there was a “good reason” for it.  Maybe it’s because I’ve dated people who said “put your money away – I’ve got this” and then invoiced me for my half, down to the dime.

I know there are those of us out there who appear to be very comfortable taking from others, so my reaction to receiving gifts is not universal.  “The LORD will open the heavens, the storehouse of his bounty, to send rain on your land in season and to bless all the work of your hands. You will lend to many nations but will borrow from none.” (Deuteronomy 28: 12).  I’m not a seminary student or theology scholar.  I’m not sure exactly what this verse means, to be honest with you.  Maybe we’re just being encouraged to give more than we take. 

The season of Lent gives me the opportunity to reflect on the ultimate example of “paying my way.”  You see, I believe that God paid the debt of my sins – those I’ve committed and all those I’ll commit in the future – by sacrificing his only son’s life.  For me.  It’s the biggest, most meaningful, most powerful gift I’ll ever receive, and there is nothing I can do to even attempt to repay it.  I have to just accept it.  It’s humbling.  It wasn’t done for me because I deserved it, and not because I earned it.   

"For the wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life through Christ Jesus our Lord" (Romans 6: 23).  The key word in that verse, for me, is free.  I don’t have an address to send a thank you note.  Even a quid pro quo offering would be insufficient.  There’s nothing I can do to make myself feel better about receiving this gift.  It’s severely lopsided, and that’s by design.  It’s so far beyond my comprehension.  God believed I was worth it.  Period.  All I can do is spend my life trying to honor Him in my daily living.  I’ll fail each day.  But I’ll always continue to keep trying, to reflect, to learn, to stretch myself and grow.   And hopefully I'll always be humbled by this gift and my inability to pay it back.