never enough

sometimes it feels like your life is a treadmill, that you are running nonstop without ever getting a chance to catch your breath.  it feels like you just can't try any harder at all the roles you are trying to fulfill in your life, all the people you hold yourself accountable to, and it's just never enough.  maybe you don't have what it takes to do it all - all of the time.  maybe you signed up for roles that you just can't fill. 

i snap at my kids sometimes when i feel overwhelmed and taken for granted.  sometimes it's other stuff in the background that is prompting me to hit that point.  deep down i wonder if i'm a good enough mother.  i'm trying to keep a house in order, work hard enough to pay the bills and pay them on time, to keep health insurance for everyone and get them to their doctor appointments and fill out their forms for school and help them with their homework and above all else - trying to teach them to be good human beings with good values and morals.  trying to teach them to love.

i fail those i work with at times, missing a deadline or making some sort of error.  it costs something to someone else, be it money or trust or time.  i don't need to be reprimanded because i do a great job of beating up myself when i fail someone.

my relationships have been one train wreck after another, and the fact of the matter is - i am the common denominator in all of them.  i think a lot about myself and what i'm doing wrong or why i'm making the wrong choices.  i don't waste time with people though - if i'm not totally into them, caring deeply, being fiercely loyal, i just don't bother.  i can't and won't fake it.  so i give it my all, but the lesson i've learned is that giving your all doesn't guarantee anything really.

i don't like to half ass it.  i won't commit to something if i don't believe i can give it my all and do it as close to perfect as possible.  sometimes it's just hard to keep the faith and to keep trying and believing in yourself, when you feel like you are busting your ass and never quite doing or being enough to anyone.