Roll the Bones

It seems like about once a year I fall into a deep-thinking rut where I begin to question what I'm doing with my life and whether it is enough and whether I am where I'm "supposed" to be.  Specifically, I think about my life's work and whether it is aligned with my personal passions and interests and talents.  I went to school to study psychology and eventually women's studies and became very passionate about issues of equality and social justice.  I spent a lot of time and energy studying cycles of abuse, sexual assault, and women's health as it relates to childbirth.  Will there ever come a time when I can devote my energy and time to those things I care the most about in this life?

Sometimes I'm able to feed those passions and reap intrinsic rewards by volunteering.  I've offered up time at Ohio State's Rape Education and Prevention Program, at a freestanding birth center, at Equality Ohio, and have tutored ESL kindergarten students at my children's school.  Those experiences have enabled me to help women give a voice to their experiences of rape and anonymously share their stories that have been hidden far too long.  Those experiences have enabled me to help women get insurance coverage for the homebirth they've always dreamed of, have enabled me to help affect political change to recognize and protect the rights of all people, have enabled me to look into the face of a 5 year old and see them smile as they realize they are learning something and they ARE smart and they DO have a future.  I've always been told that once you affiliate your passions with extrinsic rewards (i.e., salary, job title), your interest diminishes somewhat.  So maybe it is best to do the juggling act and fill in on the side where I can.

Still, when I get a newsletter from the local women's shelter and begin to cry while reading their "wish list" of items (stamps, cell phones, baby wipes, tampons), it's because I am thinking about how these women have been stripped of every sense of security and safety and the everyday rituals we wrap around us like security blankets.  It's because I want to do MORE.  I want to change lives.  I want to contribute to the revolution.  :)  Yet as a single mother of two that works full-time and owns a home, I find my time and energy are indeed limited.

Why am I here?  In the words of one of my favorite bands, Rush, that question could be answered with a simple "Because you're here, roll the bones."  Go with it.  Take a chance, stretch yourself a little further.  Remain open.  Do better.  Try harder.  Roll the bones.