Two days ago, my life changed on a dime. That may sound dramatic - and perhaps it is - but let me explain. I am divorced. I've been divorced for about 16 years. And since then, I've been in a few relationships - all of which ended in both heartache and disappointment. About 5 or 6 years ago, I made the conscious decision to just stop dating. In my experience, "love" had taken far more from me than it gave and I was depleted and done. Not so much bitter...just removed.
And so I resigned myself to being alone. About 18 months ago, my oldest child moved out to go to college. My youngest child is a senior in high school. I had grown accustomed to - all the while dreading - the vision of myself as an empty nester, and eventually a solitary retiree. I saw no glorious "final chapter" in my future. And I was trying to be okay with that, mostly because I was absolutely certain that settling for a companion in lieu of love and respect was a one-way ticket to misery, and I was not onboard.
Then something happened - the details aren't important - that prompted me to reach out to a man I'd known since 7th grade and was friends with on social media. And when I say "prompted," I mean a sit-bolt-upright-in-bed-out-of-a-dead-sleep kind of "prompted." And even as I typed a message on my phone, I recalled the dream I'd had just prior to waking up. It was merely an image. It was him, lying behind me, holding me in his arms. And the overarching feeling was of safety.
I sent my message and his reply was almost immediate. We commenced to talking about the thing that happened and the way it related to the loss of someone we both knew and at one time loved. The conversation was brief.
The next night, he reached out to see what I was doing, and I half-heartedly tried to shoot him down by telling him...the truth. Which is that I had a fire going in my firepit and was in my "fat pants" for the night (capri yoga pants and an oversized t-shirt and flip flops). I was going nowhere. To shorten the story, he convinced me to leave the house. We spent hours together that night, and the conversation was effortless. The laughter was inextricably woven throughout the conversation. And the night ended in a kiss that mostly surprised me.
Fast forward to now. We have seen each other nearly every day since then. Our lives have become intertwined. We've gotten to know each other on a deep and even spiritual level. We fell in love. And two days ago he gave me the most beautiful ring and asked me to marry him. I said yes.
I'm pausing to ask myself if there is a point to writing this and putting it all out there....am I simply gushing about such an exciting event in my life? No....no I'm not. My point is this: it's never too late. It's never too late to open the door, even if just a crack. For me, I wound up opening the door to a love like I'd always longed for but had never experienced. I have found the person who cracks me up and laughs loudly at my jokes. I have found an articulate, well-spoken, intelligent person who doesn't always agree with me, but engages in discussion with passion and knowledge. I have found my rock, who also happens to be my soft place to land. I have found a personal cheerleader and supporter, who makes it a regular practice to pray for me. Someone who doesn't hold the wrongs of others against me. Someone who doesn't hold back or play games. He celebrates me, he honors me, and he lightens my load whenever he can.
In return, I have found someone willing to accept my love without manipulating it, downplaying it, or using it against me. He gratefully and graciously accepts all the ways that I express my love for him. He doesn't take it for granted. We share a love of music and feel safe exploring and creating it together. We share a love of Jesus.
I had given up on not only finding love, but certainly had given up on finding my soulmate. But here he is. And for the first time in my life, love doesn't feel lop-sided. I'm as confident and secure in his love for me as I am in my love for him.
I tried to push him away. I was scared and uninterested in taking another chance on love. In many ways, he was uninvited. And while he respected my boundaries, he continued to communicate with me. And I found myself realizing that even though I didn't want a relationship, I wanted him to be in my life. Soon after, I stopped lying and living in denial, admitted my feelings for him, and opened up. He has been the surprise of my life. I've known him for 35+ years, but never known him. We both refrain from wishing we'd gotten together sooner. Why? Because we know God's timing is perfect. At another time, we would not have been ready for each other nor for this. Besides, we would not have the beautiful, unique children we have if not for other paths taken. And neither of us can or would wish that away. But we're here now. Together. Determined. Grateful.
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