Letting Go(d)

One of the hardest things for me is to really, truly let go and give God control in my life. 

First of all, I'm a bit of a control freak.  I'm good at doing things properly, thoroughly, and in a timely manner, and sometimes it just seems easier to do it myself than to wonder and worry if someone else will do it right (or do it to my standards).  I know.  I make it harder than it needs to be.

Second, I associate loss of control with vulnerability and with taking advantage.  I know, cognitively, that God has my best interests at heart and loves me and promises to protect me, but I'm telling you it is very hard for me.  I really struggle to suspend the negative associations I have about giving humans control in my life. 

Third, what does it really mean to give God control?  What if I don't see or hear him directing my days, my words, and my choices?  What then?  Most of us don't encounter burning bushes or angelic messengers to relay God's will for our lives... 

In recent days, I've been forced to deal with something extremely shocking and painful.  I found myself pretty close to rock bottom, not able to cope adequately or make sense of things or adapt to the blow that was delivered to my little world.  People have prayed for me.  I've prayed.  I've asked for lots of things, including comfort, direction, peace, and the ability to cope and move forward.  As I've focused more and more on how to actually give God control of my life, I've imagined myself in a corn maze, much like the one I recently visited.  I imagine coming to each intersection, not having any clue as to which way to go.  I imagine NOT feeling anxious or scared as I get deeper and deeper into the maze and farther from the entrance or exit.  It isn't easy.  It isn't easy at all, at least not for me.  But I'm trying.  God, I'm trying.  Because when I insist on running my own life, it seems I don't always get the best results.  I don't choose the best direction.  I ignore the warning signs.  I wind up at a dead end with no idea how to get back to a safe place.  Show me the right path.  Open my eyes and ears to hear your gentle calling. Keep me safe.  Help me to trust.  It's so hard God.  It's so hard.