Halftime Already?!

Note: This blog was inspired by the message my Pastor Ken Murphy shared this morning.  Check it out yourself at http://thecwc.net/media.php?pageID=11 (should be posted by Tuesday 8/21).

Have you ever watched such a riveting football game that you found yourself stunned when you realized it was halftime?  In an analogy my pastor used this morning about life as a football game, I realized it's quite reasonable to think that I may be close to - or at - halftime in my life, with two quarters completed and two to go.  That was a strange, attention-getting revelation to make!

Halftime is best spent taking a quick rest, reflecting on your performance in the first half, and strategizing for the second half.  Oftentimes I find myself wondering "what am I doing?" or "what have I done with my life?"  On paper, it looks pretty good.  I graduated high school, graduated summa cum laude from Ohio State, earned a master's degree, got married, had two healthy children, bought a home, and have been blessed with employment that, for the most part, is satisfying and enables me to provide for my family. 

At a second glance, however, I might add that there is a lot that is missing.  The marriage didn't last, and I'm a single mother.  I've yet to find a Christian man that can contribute to a respectful and loving relationship on a long term basis.  I'm a hard core romantic with a lot of love to give, and while there are a lot of other souls I can and do love and care for, it's no substitution for a mutually beneficial adult romance and partnership.  It's lonely.  It's exhausting.  It's depressing.  But it's also a refusal to settle.

There are certain things in this world that I am extremely passionate about: music, women's issues (especially reproductive health and rape prevention), and writing.  And while I've dabbled in karaoke and choirs, volunteered for various women's issues/causes, and have this blog...I'm not really pursuing any of those dreams.  My excuse?  Unless I really "made it" in one of those areas (i.e., touring as Miranda Lambert's opening act or writing a couple best-selling novels), they don't pay well, and I can't afford a low-paying job asvthe sole breadwinner in my family.  For instance, my "empty nest" dream (when I have the ability to be on call) is to become a midwife, but I'm terrified of being directly responsible for a woman and child's life or death. 

I felt a spark of excitement today as our pastor encouraged us to find that "sweet spot" where we can best serve God and others using the talents with which we've been blessed.  He reminded us that it often takes a few tries until we find that place where we look forward to serving, even as we change lives while doing it.  I was reminded of a non-profit where I volunteered but realized it wasn't a good fit....and of being guilted into serving in children's ministries at another church and hating every minute of it.  Neither of those was the target I'm trying to hit.

I felt a renewed sense of hope, that maybe the second half can be a game-changer.  Maybe, for practical reasons, my career will  not align with my passions, but maybe I can find that place in my church or in the community where I can feed my passions and derive a sense of purpose where I truly feel that I'm making an important difference in the world and not just increasing someone's profits.  And maybe while I'm doing all of this, I'll run smack into a good man who is not just taking from the world, but giving back as well.  Stranger things have happened.

"you say you don't want it again and again

but you don't really mean it
you say you don't want it  - this circus we're in
but you don't really mean it...

...how many fates turn around in the overtime?"
~Tori Amos, "Spark"