I Hope You Know

I hear your comments and questions, and it's not lost on me - the reasons you speak such things.  I know you're confused.  I know that, for you, it's as simple as the fact that you loved him and believed he loved you.  You liked having a father figure in the house, and you believed in the promises he made to you, your sister, and me.  The excitement in your eyes could not be manufactured.  Not from a child your age.  You were both surprised and pleased that someone appeared to love me as much as you. 

Buddy, I wish you hadn't been one of the casualties.  Mommy feels so guilty.  I thought we were making our little family bigger and better.  I know you feel abandoned and you don't understand.  It's hard for me, when my romance falls to pieces, knowing it is breaking your heart too.  Not only are you suffering your own loss, but you watch me suffer as well, and it hurts your little heart. 

All I can tell you is that Mommy has a tremendous capacity to love and wants to be loved in return.  That's how I found myself with him in that moment, making those plans for the future.  Just as I feared I couldn't love another child as much as I loved your older sister (before you were born), I feared I wouldn't have room in my heart or our home to let someone else join us.  But I did. 

I'm sorry you wound up feeling, once again, screwed over.  Im sorry that, once again, someone walked out of your life without a proper goodbye, viewing you as disposable.  I know you feel protective of me, just as I do toward you and toward her.  I know you worry about me and you try to help in big and small ways, whether it's giving me some spare change to "help with the groceries", or drawing a beautiful picture for me, or reminding me that you are a Cub Scout and are always wiling to help set the table, for instance. 

I'm sorry our family doesn't look like most of your friends' families.  One thing I can promise you is that there will always be peace, love, and respect in this house.  And I will deprive myself of a partner if I can't find one that will bring those things and abide by the very values I am trying to instill in you.  This is our safe harbor, and I will protect you.