Last 30 Days of My Thirties: Blog 19 - Worry

Scripture tells us again and again not to waste our time worrying.  I think this is one of the hardest things for me.  I am a worrier by nature.  I assume responsibility for far more than is actually mine.  My empathy is boundless and I spend considerable time worrying about others and their struggles. 

I worry about my health, my children's health, the way others treat my kids when I am not around, successful education for my children, illnesses of friends, friends mourning the death of a loved one, friends with miserable jobs or no job at all, friends in miserable marriages, friends experiencing infertility, friends experiencing new parenthood.  Pretty much any angle of any situation, I can find something to worry about.

I know it is taking a toll on my health and that my body is holding on to stress in bad ways.  I also know the secret to not worrying is to have stronger faith in God and trust in him completely.  It makes me sad that I cannot seem to get there.

Last 30 Days of My Thirties: Blog 18 - Our Children are Mirrors

Lately, when my children get on my nerves, I recognize that some of their most annoying traits have actually been inherited from...yep, me.  It's really a deep experience when you observe this and recognize the connection.  Even as I try to coach them out of those behaviors, I am listening to what I'm saying and trying to apply it to my own behaviors as well.

To be fair to myself, some of those traits are useful and annoying at the same time.  Happily, some of their best traits are mine too.

But best of all are the traits they have that seem to have sprung up independently of both their father and I.  They are unique beings with unique personalities and appearances.  And they are a reflection of me even as they are a new creation.

Last 30 Days of My Thirties: Blog 17 - Transparency

I will be the first to admit that I can be a horrible judge of character.  On the one hand, there are people I meet whom I immediately get a bad, creepy, or suspicious vibe.  I've learned not to ignore that.  But there are others whose charm or flattery or false self-presentation completely fools me.  Even when I begin to uncover lies and discrepancies in their stories, I wind up doubting myself.  There are people who, if I had not been informed of who they are and what they've done, I would have easily been hoaxed into believing they were a victim, or a good person with good intentions, when the reverse was true.

 

Some of the people with whom I've been most open and intimate (and that's a lot, because I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve) have shocked me when they have committed transgressions against me.  Often, in talking to other about it, I find out that other are not so surprised or even saw it coming. 

 

There's not much comfort to be found here.  I can be more skeptical about people and refuse to trust them, or I can give the benefit of the doubt.  Yes, there is a gray area in between, but that's where it gets tricky.  People do not come with warning signs.  I have learned to stop ignoring red flags and things that seem too far-fetched or too good to be true.  But sometimes red flags are only half the story.  And sometimes good things are true.

 

No tidy ending here, folks.  Just a Pisces being pensive.

Last 30 Days of My Thirties: Blog 16 - Forgiveness

At a bible study tonight, we were learning about how God truly dismisses, does not count, and covers up our sins for which we repent.  This is such a hard thing for me to comprehend, because I am human.  I cannot so easily dismiss, forget, or not keep track of my own sins and the sins of others.

 

I hear myself say to my children - when they apologize for something they've done many times before - "if you were really sorry, you wouldn't keep doing the same thing."  But God doesn't say that to me when I repeat my mistakes and my sins. 

 

It's so hard to be Godly, because we're humans.  He knew we would be sinners, and that's why he made the ultimate sacrifice for us - the crucifixion of his only son - so that we could be forgiven and blessed with eternal life.

 

We talked about how guilt and doubt are the devil's strongholds into our souls.  We do so much of his work to ourselves when we feel guilt and doubt.  We make it easy for him to enter into our heads and our hearts and draw us further away from God.

 

Recently, I stood before my boss in tears, apologizing for all the work I've been missing due to medical and personal issues.  She told me I was putting more pressure on myself than she was, and that I could let go of all my stress and guilt.  That was a Christ-like attitude.  And it's something I need to work on.

Last 30 Days of My Thirties: Blog 15 - Selfish to Selfless

When my thirties began, my marriage was ending, my life dreams were being adjusted, and I was a mother of two young children feeling very alone and very helpless and hopeless.  Yet I was determined to make it.  Sometimes it was one day at a time, and that felt like a small victory.  But as I began to get the hang of it, I was building a wall around myself.  Convinced that most folks could not be trusted and had bad intentions, I assume a rather chilly front, making it a challenge for others to get close to me.  I liked to play hard ass and pretend that I didn't need anyone, other than my very closest friends and my parents, to whom I would sob and vent and confess all of my fears and insecurities.

 

Along the way, I realized that this strategy mostly backfired.  I pushed all but the most persistent (and not in a good way) people away from me. 

 

Now as I stand at the brink of 40, I can see so many ways this has changed.  I am still hesitant to trust, but on the other hand, I do find myself being surprised at what a bad judge of character I've been towards some people.  And not in a good way!  Sometimes I trust and believe a person only to discover they were posing or had ulterior motives with my best interests not in mind.

 

I have to really discipline myself to do things just for me, rather than for my kids, my friends, and family (and sometimes even strangers).  I have found great happiness and joy in doing unexpected and kind things for others.  I have let someone into my life who has turned out to be that missing piece of the puzzle for whom I had always searched.  The more I open myself to him, the more our love deepens and broadens.  More than that, I have felt compelled to help those who are far from being my responsibility.  I just think this means I am growing up.  I credit a lot of this to the strengthening of my spirituality and relationship with God.  He made it very clear that we are not just to focus on ourselves, but to serve others with a joyful heart.  I'm finally getting it.  I've got a long way to go still, but I'm getting it. 

Last 30 Days of My Thirties: Blog 14 - Friends

I find myself reflecting on the different types of friends in my life as I approach 40.  Being the Type A personality that I am, I find it easiest to categorize them.  So here we go:

Long-Timers

These are the friends I grew up with.  For the most part, we aren't in close contact.  We use social media to keep apprised of one another's lives, have chance encounters, and occasionally see each other at reunions, weddings, and funerals.  But even though we aren't close anymore, I feel that I still know them because we knew each other in our coming of age years.  I feel that I could confide in them or even ask for help if I needed it.

 

Grown-up Friends

These are folks I've met in my 20s and 30s, even as I was continuing to evolve into the person I'm meant to become.  I've connected with them on things that intrigue, interest, or impact me.  They are special to me because our relationships blossomed not based on who I was when I was younger or who my family is, or where I went to school or church, but they just...happened.

 

New Old Friends

This is essentially a Facebook phenomenon.  People from high school I might not have known well at all, but one we connected in the here and now, I found little treasures everywhere amongst some of them.

 

Stranger Friends

These are mostly people from church, and sometimes professional acquaintances.  We have no foundation really, but for whatever reason, they show their care and concern for me in amazing ways.

 

I'm so grateful for every type of friend, even the ones I am no longer close with.  Each person has come into my life for a reason and has contributed something positive, even if they ultimately hurt me or disappointed me or vice versa.

Last 30 Days of My Thirties: Blog 13 - My Roots are Showing

I know I didn't necessarily like it at the time, but I am so grateful for the qualities and behaviors my parents instilled in me at an early age.  I keep this in mind when I wonder if my kids understand or appreciate all that I do for them, especially as a single mom.  I know that the day will come when they will finally see.

 

We always went to church, growing up.  With the friends I made in my youth group, I believe I stayed out of a lot of trouble than I might have gotten into otherwise.  My parents kept close tabs on where I was going, with whom, and for how long.  There were no cell phones in those days.  I felt restricted, but am grateful they cared enough to not allow me to get into situations that lacked adult supervision and boundaries. 

 

Family was important.  We did not take vacations (I can think of two, and at least one was associated with a business trip of my Dad's).  Instead, we spent two weeks a year (one in summer and one at Christmas) visiting my extended family who live 500 miles away.  I saw my parents care for the aging and ailing parents, making long distance phone calls frequently, and being as supportive as possible when living so far away.

 

My parents always encouraged me and believed in me.  I am a perfectionist, and I'm not sure how much of that is who I am and how much of that is what they instilled in me, but I would up doing well in high school, graduating summa cum laude from undergrad, and attending graduate school on a full ride scholarship.  I have been blessed with the skills and responsibilities to hold secure, rewarding jobs and develop professionally and become a leader. 

 

In 39 years I have never seen/heard my parents raise their voices to one another.  To us, yes. :)  Of course I've seen them grumpy and even a little snippy with each other, but that is where it ends, at least when we were within earshot.

 

My point is this - the way that we parent lays the foundation for members of the next generation.  Many people have told me they wished they had a mom or dad like mine.  I understand the intensity of a compliment like that.  I feel extremely blessed that my parents gave me such strong roots that enabled me to become a well-rounded, well-functioning adult and parent. 

 

Train up a child in the way he should go,
Even when he is old he will not depart from it.

Proverbs 22:6