No Shortcut to Healing

I'm not sure how I can possibly explain the road from there to here.  In the midst of devastation and betrayal, it is impossible to cheer yourself with thoughts that "this was meant to be" and "there is a reason for everything".  No, there's no shortcut to healing. 

I had to feel it all to the depths - shock, betrayal, humiliation, vulnerability.  The sheer astonishment of someone's ability to do what you did......it knocked the air out of me.  But I had to be knocked that hard so that I would be down for awhile and not try to foolishly pop right back up, wanting to get right back in the ring.  I'd have been apt to over-estimate my strength and never see the knockout coming. 

No, instead I created a safe little haven for myself and I nested there for quite a very long time.  I was able to restore my strength and courage, and able to start at the beginning again and rebuild my foundation.  Slowly.  And it's stronger than ever because God is at the center of it, and not just in a superficial Sunday sort of way.

Like seeing a tornado touch down, I can so easily and clearly see God's hand reaching down to intervene into my life.  He gave me the opportunity to follow my heart and the courage to reclaim a lost love that would have haunted me the rest of my life had I not searched it out.  And despite the mountains of doubt I have had, I am seeing with my own eyes that people truly can learn from their mistakes and become better versions of themselves. 

No, there is no shortcut to healing.  But the long and difficult road is worthwhile, because when a wound heals, the skin is stronger than it was before.  Of course I still remember the devastation from two years ago.  But I can sincerely say that I am grateful for it.  I would never have arrived in this moment, had I not traveled that path.  And I'm right where I want to be.

"Iba volando sobre el mar
con las alas rotas

Ay amor apareciste en mi vida
y me curaste las heridas"

"I had no direction, I was dying

I was flying over the sea with broken wings

Oh my love, you came into my life

And healed my wounds"

 

Intrinsic Motivators

I caught a lyric of a song today that basically said the roar of the crowd was what kept this singer going.  I thought about how this same singer recently filed for divorce after his infidelity to his wife made headline news a few months earlier.  And I wondered to myself what is it that drives people?  And when do they cross the line from doing something because they just love to do it.....to doing something because the roar of the crowd (or the industry awards....or the salary....or the fame..) has become a high to which they are addicted?

I remember learning about intrinsic and extrinsic motivators when I was working on my psychology degree.  Basically, intrinsic motivators are things that you feel within yourself when doing something you enjoy.  For instance, I enjoy writing.  It feels good to me, it's cathartic, and it helps me to process my thoughts and feelings.  Extrinsic motivators come from outside  of yourself - for instance, money, recognition, fame, an award, or the competitive desire to "out perform" others.  Perhaps someone starts off making music because they love it, but eventually they do it for the money or because they are hell bent on earning that Grammy, etc.  Just because you have extrinsic rewards in place does not mean that you aren't intrinsically motivated.  For instance, a teacher may love to teach, but he also earns money for teaching. 

The interesting thing is that research has shown that once people become extrinsically motivated to do something they love, many of them tend to lose interest or satisfaction in the activity for which they once had only intrinsic motivation.  When does one cross the line and become attached only to the notion of winning or of making a certain amount of money (and what constitutes "enough" money continually climbs as success increases) instead of loving what they do for the sole reason that it brings them joy?

I certainly know some folks who seem to have stayed true to their craft, even with extrinsic motivation galore.  I know pastors whose churches have expanded, who are paid to share God's word, but who have stayed focused and humbled rather than becoming power-hungry or taking credit for the talents that God gave them.  I know people who have pursued occupations that mirror their interests and talents, and who have enjoyed great success in terms of publishing or awards or income, but who have remained steadfast with their commitment to serving others through their careers.  But these folks are usually the exception.  Others get swept up in things like fame, critics, competition, popular opinion, and money, and they slowly transform to a place where they no longer truly enjoy what they once loved to do, but instead, they sacrifice relationships, ethics, time, and other resources in the name of "greater success" - whatever that means to them.

"Success is not the key to happiness.  Happiness is the key to success. 
If you love what you are doing, you will be successful."

~Herman Cain

Conditional Love

You claim that you love me - well really you don't even claim to anymore, it's just a foregone conclusion I'm meant to assume.  But you have found it so easy to turn your back on me.  I'm supposed to believe that you're concerned for me and that your concern is rooted in love for me.  Well let me tell you, none of this feels like concern or love.  It feels like conditional love.  When I do what you want me to do, you supposedly love me.  When I do something you disagree with, you withdraw your love and turn your back on me.  The irony is that you push me even farther away by doing that. 

 

To be honest, I really don't buy that you love me.  I haven't bought it for a long time.  I'm not stupid.  You certainly haven't shown it.  There were times I needed you, and you know how I hate to ask.  But I did.  You were too busy.  Busy with your life, busy judging me....  You don't even know me anymore.  So it's almost laughable now to see you turn your back on me, because it's really only a notch up from what you were doing before. 

 

I will never try to convince someone to love me or support me.  And why should I?  It's insanity.  It's insulting.  And the jig is up. 

I'm Here Now

Most of us can recall some childhood memory when we were experiencing panic, disappointment, sadness, or a feeling of being lost.  We knew that the only thing that would make it all better was the presence of a loved one to provide reassurance and security.

 

When I was in kindergarten, I rode the bus home from school, and was one of the first stops on the route (we lived just down the street from the school).  One day we had a substitute bus driver, and he drove right past my house.  I was so shy and withdrawn (believe it or not...lol), I couldn't even muster up the courage to speak up and let him know of his error.  Instead, I sat and cried quietly in my seat, while the driver covered a lot of miles on out into more rural areas that I did not visually recognize. 

 

Meanwhile, my mother was frantic, calling the school to see if I was still there, driving up and down the road to see if somehow I was walking home from school, and so forth.  Eventually, the bus driver made his last drop off and began to head back to the bus lot.  It was then that he noticed me and asked where I should have been dropped off, and I guess I managed to tell him my address or street name.  Arriving back home and rushing into my mother's arms was the only thing that would have comforted me and eased my anxiety on that day.  I'm sure she probably soothed me, whispering something like, "It's okay.  I'm here now."

 

Even as adults, we need these moments.  It's hard to admit it, but each one of us needs to be wrapped up in the arms of safety, love, and security.  I've recently experienced that for the first time in a very long time - someone who wants to take care of me in ways I never thought I would be cared for, because I was always so busy doing it all for myself and my children.  It's crazy actually, having him there to lend a hand, to provide support, and for me to lean on.  I'm not used to it.  I've unfortunately grown accustomed to takers, not givers.  It feels luxurious.  When he says he'll handle a certain thing, I'll say "I've got this.  I've always taken care of this."  Then he says to me "I'm here now" and I feel like the child coming off the school bus, falling into arms of support and comfort and love. 

 

Indeed you are here now.  And I am slowly learning to let you hold me and help me.

 

"You're here, that's all I need to know
And you will keep me safe
And you will keep me close..."

~"A Little Fall of Rain" from Les Miserables

 

 

Coat of Many...Betrayals

I'm writing a small group study guide for my church.  I haven't even heard the sermon yet that it's based on, but I know the topic (betrayal & forgiveness) and read several chapters in Genesis today that will apparently be discussed.  It's a story I know well - that of Joseph and the betrayal he endured. I counted three betrayals actually.  First, his own brothers betrayed him.  Out of their jealousy for his favoritism with his father, they sold him off as a slave, telling their father he had died.  Second, his master's wife tried unsuccessfully seduce him.  His rejection of her made her so angry that she lied to her husband and said he came on to her.  Third, after being thrown in prison and helping a cellmate by interpreting his dream correctly and giving him hope, he begged that the cellmate not forget him, and to put in a good word for him.  The cellmate did not do as Joseph asked.

When Joseph finally confronts his brothers - after he has climbed a ladder of success and become powerful and well-respected - he is overcome with sadness at what they did to him.  Still, he chooses to bless them more than you and I might say they deserve.

One verse stuck out to me in a big way.  Joseph comforts his brothers (comforts them!) over what they did to him.  He tells them, "...it was not you who sent me here, but God..." (Genesis 45:8).  Through all of the bitterness and resentment, Joseph found his way not only to forgiveness and compassion, but to see the divine purpose in his life story.  He recognized that, without the betrayals he suffered, he would not have come to perform God's purpose for him, which allowed him to put measures into place to feed a country during a seven year famine. 

I recently shared with my writing group that the person who committed one of the greatest, most hurtful acts of betrayal toward me, was the one who introduced me to the church I now attend.  I learned a lot from the sins that person committed against me.  But every time I marvel at how much I love my church, the pastor, the choir I'm in, the children's programming, etc......I think about the fact that I was brought here by way of a difficult road.  I don't believe it was an accident.  I needed to be here.  And now I have this wonderful community of people, as well as an amazing pastor and worship leader, to help me heal from the wounds of betrayal, and to grow in my relationship with God.

"Somewhere down the road

There'll be answers to the questions.

Somewhere down the road

Though we cannot see it now...

Somewhere down the road

You will find mighty arms reaching for you

And they will have the answers

Somewhere down the road."

~Faith Hill, "Somewhere Down the Road" (Prince of Egypt Nashville soundtrack)

All I'm Askin is for a Little Respect

Let me get out in front of this blog entry by identifying myself as a heterosexual woman and feminist.  It influences my experiences, my mindset, and the topics I’m about to discuss, so I’m just putting it out there. 

While meeting with my writing group at church last weekend, we discussed the topic of “what men want” in the context of our recent sermon series entitled “Great Sexpectations.”  Our pastor shared his belief that the two key things men want in marriage are sex and respect. 

I found myself a little surprised that respect was right up there on the list with sex.  I guess I have some predetermined beliefs that include the idea that, generally speaking, most men tend to be quite confident, self-assured, and secure…..more so, I dare say, than most women.  We could get into why that is, but I think my brief synopsis is that women, in Western culture at least, are socialized to think they could always be prettier, thinner, sexier, better moms, and so forth.  Men aren’t exposed to the same amount of pressure.  A quick glance at a sampling of advertisements will illustrate this, in my opinion.  Also, the traits of confidence, self-assurance, and security are tightly aligned with Western ideals of masculinity.  For these reasons, I assumed men would not need respect to such a degree that it might be considered one of the top two things they want in marriage.

Of course it goes without saying that no man (or person) wants to be nagged, condescended to, or belittled.  I get that.  But I don’t often hear men express that they want or need respect, while they are more vocal about wanting/needing sex.  I suspect this is because it feels a bit vulnerable to admit that respect is important.  No man wants to be accused of being needy.  Being needy is more expected of women somehow.  In fact, while stereotypically feminine traits are valued in men, they are also the go-to traits people use if they really want to insult a man (“He was crying like a little bitch,” “You’re such a fag,” etc.).   

One man in the group went on to say that he feels men, as a group, are weaker than they’ve ever been.  We discussed why this may or may not be true.  We also discussed the fact that women, as a group are stronger and more independent than they’ve ever been before, and that, perhaps some men are either voluntarily or involuntarily taking a proverbial back seat to such women nowadays. 

I’ve come to believe that two key things are required in a relationship.  Everything else is pre-empted by the existence of these two things.  And for me, those two things are love and respect.  Deal-breakers like infidelity, lying, and abuse (physical or emotional) really cannot occur in the presence of love and respect.  Of course, love and respect may ebb and flow at times, and we do not always show them in proportion to how we feel them.  When we are low on giving love or respect, we are more inclined to tend toward undesirable behaviors.   And while I feel that I am good at loving, I have to ask myself if I am as good at showing respect as I’d like to think I am…especially toward men.  Because of some of my assumptions about men’s reservoirs of self-confidence, security, and self-assuredness, I wonder if I haven’t always communicated my respect adequately.   Not that I'm trying to pull a Tammy Wynette up in here, I'm just being honest as I continue to make my way through this life.

There is no respect for others without humility in one's self.

Henri Frederic Amiel

How Can I Help You?

A pet peeve of mine is the lack of customer service in many businesses these days.  Sometimes I will complete a transaction without the cashier uttering a word to me.  They rely on the cash register’s display to communicate the price to me, they don’t count back my change, and they certainly don’t greet me in a warm way or thank me for my business.  What happened to the “How Can I Help You?” approach?

I think about this service-oriented approach with regard to interpersonal relationships as well.  So often, when people get on our nerves or disappoint us, we just judge them.  We draw our conclusions and condemn people for their choices, often without bothering to ask ourselves – or them – why they are doing things as they are.  Maybe we presume to know the cause of their behavior.  It’s much easier to assume someone is flawed in some way than to imagine there is a method to their madness.

Judgment without compassion suggests ignorance and self-righteousness, in my opinion.  Ironically, our detached, superior judgment of others can equate us with those we are judging.  When we judge someone or label them as lesser than us without attempting to understand them, what are we accomplishing and what purpose does it serve?  Putting them in their place?  Isolating them?  Securing our position as a superior being?   What would a measure of encouragement or support do instead?  How different would our world be if we approached others with a “How Can I Help You?” attitude?

Give, and it will be given to you.

Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap. For with the measure you use it will be measured back to you.”  Luke 6:38

But if anyone has the world's goods and sees his brother in need,

yet closes his heart against him,

how does God's love abide in him? 1 John 3:17

Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Phillipians 2:4